Meaning
by jazzy2may
Summary: It was supposed to be a one night stand. How was Kakashi to know that Iruka wouldn't be able to understand that? Yaoi, Slash Iruka/Kakashi, Dark,Angsty,& Humor. No Like No Read. No Flames.
1. Ch 1: Its Not Love, Denile

**AUTHOR NOTE**

**Most of my stories are moving to live journal... my website is coming down to make room for my eBook eManga Publishing Company's website. **

**If you have a manuscript you would like to submit, manga or novel, please feel free to email us at** _gemini78 (at) live . com_

**or go to our temporary home:** http://www. e-fic . com / jazzy2may/ home . htm** for information on our company.**

**or I can be reached through PM, I can also be reached at my LJ** http: // jazzy2may . livejournal. com/ **or by E-Mail:** mizukiruhoh (at) hotmail . com

**Cahrities still supported and we encourage folks to DONATE To Some Worthy Causes: Donate dollars or donate your time or some blankets or food! http: // www. e-fic . com / jazzy2may/ donate_2_worthy_causes . htm**

**THANK YOU**

* * *

Title: **MEANING  
**author: Jazzy

Pairing: Kakashi/Iruka  
Rating: T  
Warnings: Angst, darkness, drama, adventure, romance, **m/m, slash, Yaoi**, emotional hurts, hurt/comfort. Angst, Angst, Angst!

**If you dislike stories like this Don't Read it, turn back now. Please be considerate and don't leave a flame on the way out. Thank you, Jazzy. :D**

Length: 3,100 words so far.

Summary: It was supposed to be a one night stand. How was Kakashi to know that Iruka wouldn't be able to understand that?

* * *

**Chapter One**

It wasn't supposed to mean anything it was just supposed to be a one night stand. The sex wasn't even particularly spectacular. The chunin was sweet and curvy and hard in all the right places, skin like silk, eyes full of emotions, exquisite indescribable.

Kakashi wasn't supposed to fall in love. Kakashi told himself over and over again "It's just a one night stand" and "It means nothing. He means nothing to me". No one had told Iruka he was supposed to feel nothing for Kakashi in return.

For Iruka it was perfect it was beautiful it was amazing. Iruka felt alive in a way he had never felt before. It wasn't just sex for Iruka. It wasn't even his first time having sex.

Iruka had experimented when he had been younger and he'd had a lover or two male and female alike through the years none of them had lasted long, Mizuki being the exception, that had lasted off and on all of their short lives together until Mizuki had betrayed Iruka and betrayed Konoha.

For Iruka Kakashi was different, he meant something to him. He couldn't place when he'd fallen in love exactly. It wasn't like they'd had a peaceful relationship. Iruka hadn't liked the jounin sensei of Naruto at first, because the man had come off as lazy and arrogant and uncaring, and someone that Iruka would not trust with his precious people his classroom children the children he'd trained and helped to raise.

Iruka couldn't feel secure in the man when said jounin considered those same kids in the man's opinion, "soldiers". It had been repugnant to Iruka and had hit all of Iruka's protection buttons and anger buttons. Not to mention there was still a residual memory of the night his parents had died and the young silver haired Anbu who had dragged him kicking and screaming from his aide of his parents. He had hated that Anbu for keeping him from trying to help or trying to join his parents in their deaths.

Kakashi was fun and charming and funny and perverted but in a good way, and yes Kakashi lied but so did many shinobi it was in their job description, and sex with Kakashi was at least to Iruka magical. It was everything he had dreamed it could be and at first he could pretend obliviousness and pretend not to see the way Kakashi distanced himself except at night when he'd sneak in to Iruka's apartment and make love to him, or smell of alcohol and make sloppy love to him in some sleazy backroom just straight from a mission.

Yes sometimes the sex had been a little rough, sometimes there had been bruising, limping, sometimes Kakashi didn't heed Iruka's needs and only took care of his own leaving Iruka in pain and wanting but in the mornings it would be good if Kakashi stuck around instead of sneaking off before Iruka could wake up and make them breakfast, but it was easy to lie to himself and excuse everything as mission related or report related or teaching his chunins-to-be related, so many excuses he'd made for Kakashi and his treatment of him.

Iruka had foolishly loved Kakashi. Had felt Kakashi was supposed to be the one great love of his life. The one he was supposed to be with at the end of his life. How wrong he was. How heart breaking painfully wrong he'd been.

Kakashi's heart was supposed to belong to Konoha and to his duty as a protector of Konoha. Kakashi didn't have a heart. Kakashi didn't do love. Kakashi didn't fall in love. Iruka was a fool and an idiot, like Naruto, only Iruka had the age and training and experience to know better than to be so open with his feelings. Love between them was a pipe dream a lie. There couldn't be any love because Kakashi didn't love, period.

Kakashi pulled away from him. Pretended not to see the times Iruka looked in pain. He pretended he didn't see Kakashi fans mistreat Iruka and corner his "lover" to talk brutally to him, to bring down his self respect and his hopes and dreams of being happy with Kakashi.

They were able to tell Iruka what Kakashi had not been able to bring him self to spell out for the chunin.

_The Chunin was nothing, nobody, just a form for relief that was all. They didn't have a relationship other than skin, sex was sex, it means nothing._

Iruka was a chunin, he was nothing, no body, lowly, no rank, no hope for capturing Kakashi's heart. The chunin was weak, he was nothing.

Iruka tentively tried to defend himself from the jackals tried to get Kakashi to help him to tell them that they were wrong.

Little by little Iruka was diminished then eventually vanquished. Of course it meant Naruto had it out now more than ever for his former Jounin Sensei. Naruto treated Kakashi like the scum he was in the little kyubi-container's opinion.

Kakashi sincerely never expected to see Iruka again let alone share a mission with him. He'd been careful to avoid him. He'd been careful to laugh it up with his fellow jounin and special jounin. Careful to sneer and make it evident to all and everybody that Iruka had meant very little to nothing to Kakashi, just a minor distraction just a one night stand, just an itch that was satisfied, and satisfied poorly, after all with one stick already lodged in there was hardly room for another! They had laughed at that one, laughed derisively alongside of their favorite hero, their copy-nin.

Kakashi pretended not to see how gaunt or frail Iruka was looking or how his colleagues mother-henned him and took special care of him and glared daggers at arrogant shinobi who laughed at Iruka or tried to bed what the great copy-nin had already slept with and dumped like a bit of trash on the side of the road.

Iruka was devastated. He was a pale shadow of what he once had been. He was still teaching at the Academy but his life was in ruins. Parents speculated, his job was in jeopardy. Kakashi had done a good job of destroying Iruka and all of it because Kakashi couldn't fall in love.

On their mission together Iruka was remote, distant, he followed orders but he didn't engage Kakashi in conversation or in anything, not even mission sex. Food was served and prepared quietly and eaten separately, Iruka did all that he could to keep away from Kakashi.

The mission was successful and they parted ways yet again.

Kakashi felt oddly bereft and he couldn't figure out why.

Iruka bundled the orphaned child in a blanket and carried her home. He never looked back at Kakashi. Kakashi shivered realizing he was glad Iruka hadn't looked at him because over the period of the mission what few times they'd managed eye contact Kakashi had to admit Iruka's eyes scared him.

They were old eyes, tired eyes, spark-less eyes, no life, no joy, eyes that were emotionless and dead.

Kakashi bowed his head and tried to bury his mind and sight into his book. But nothing was making the pain he felt, the loneliness he felt, and the unease he felt disappear. Iruka was dead and Kakashi had been the weapon to kill him.

Kakashi couldn't love Iruka.

Iruka was supposed to move on.

Iruka's eyes were always supposed to be warm and expressive and full of sparkle. Iruka's namesake was also the essence of the man, playful and kind with a will of steel. Iruka wasn't supposed to die.

Iruka was supposed to move on and find tru happiness and tru love. Kakashi felt angry all of a sudden, angry with Iruka. Kakashi would not blaim him self for Iruka's foolishness. Everyone knew that Kakashi didn't fall in love. He scratched an itch that was all. It wasn't his fault Iruka had been an idiot and a dreamer and oblivious to the truth.

Iruka should have known better and should have known what everyone else already knew, Kakashi did not fall in love.

**_He did not have a heart!_**

Iruka shouldn't have been so tempting or so oblivious to every damned advance Kakashi had made drunk or sober. It could have been a private affair. But no! Iruka had just been plain old Mr. Oblivious and had forced Kakashi's hands to molest him in the missions room in front of everyone. It wasn't that Iruka was very handsome, in truth there was very little about Iruka that stood out, other than his temper or his mischevious sense of humor. Iruka wasn't gorgeous nor handsome, he blended into the background too well. He was average, maybe even a little plain even, but mostly average.

Iruka wasn't supposed to be intoxicating or addicting. It was Iruka's fault for being delicious drunk or sober.

It was Iruka who was at fault for being so damned emotional! People thought that he, Kakashi, was unstable but no one had it more than Iruka did. Iruka was emotional, tempermental, liquid silver, mercury, murcrial, fiesty, so damned loving! So much emotion alive and sparkling inside of him. Iruka should have known Kakashi didn't have a heart.

It was Iruka's fault.

It was Iruka's fault for being so open, for trying to force their "relationship", which it wasn't; it was not a relationship; it was just sex, Iruka should have known that, known better. Why had Iruka tried to force it in to the open like that? What kind of fucked up way of thinking was that anyway? You don't have a same sex sex thing open in public for everyone to see.

You didn't scream to the world "Look who I'm fucking!" Especially when it was only a one night stand! Okay so it lasted three months, but still it was only a one night stand!

Kakashi felt rage build and his precious Itcha Itcha began to crack from the force of his grip and built up chakra. Eyes widening in horror he quickly dropped his book into a pocket, caressing the delicate book inside of the protective cloth. He had almost ruined his most precious object! Again, Iruka's fault! Grrr!

Kakashi went to relieve some of this anger and pressure in his chest and chakra. he ran to the practice field where he displayed amazing violence and skills on a couple of innocent practice posts and standby trees that had been minding their own business innocently swaying in the breeze.

* * *

This was Iruka's fault.

Kakashi's cool was gone for the moment.

He wanted to get rid of the guilt he felt and the pain.

He needed to empty his heart of all of that pent up emotion.

Iruka wasn't supposed to mean anything to Kakashi.

Iruka had been a one night stand that had lasted three months, that was all.

Iruka was _nothing_.

He meant _nothing_ to Kakashi, _nothing_.

But in his mind the mission and all of its details including every glimpse of Iruka he'd had, sad shadowed Iruka, dead eyed Iruka haunted his memories and mind, every detail, every painful, aching, heartfelt detail of Iruka.

Iruka who had tried to throw his life away on this stupid mission to protect some stupid Bureaucrat's now orphaned daughter. Iruka was taking her in, was going to make her his own daughter, it was the least he could do for failing in his mission, he'd said.

Kakashi wondered how Iruka thought he had failed. Was it that he had failed to die? Or was it that he had hoped to protect the father as well as his daughter and his wife? Iruka wasn't super man. Iruka was only a chunin, he wasn't a jounin. There had been no way that Iruka could have single handedly done everything and protected everyone himself, not even with kage bunshin or shadow clones or henges or any of the hundreds of other tricky things Iruka was master of.

Kakashi had never felt more fear or more pain or guilt when he'd realized what Iruka had tried to do. He didn't want Iruka to die. He didn't like this defeated Iruka.

This was not the Chunin that had argued with him and threatened him over the years leading up to their three month "one night stand".

He'd played with Iruka. He'd hurt Iruka. He'd done what he'd told his little soldiers never to do and that was to betray a comrade or ally, and Kakashi was guilty of doing that but worst of all, Kakashi was guilty of betraying himself and his own ideals.

He really was in Naruto's loud crass brash blatant and wholly truthful opinion "scum".

Kakashi was at a loss how to remedy the situation he'd made.

Iruka needed help.

Iruka needed to come back to life.

But Kakashi couldn't be part of that process. He couldn't love Iruka. He couldn't be with Iruka again. He'd screwed things up royally. He'd devastated and lied to himself and to Iruka and destroyed Iruka.

He'd ruined all that Iruka was and could be to this village all because he'd been selfish and _scratched _an _itch_.

* * *

Standing glaring off into the distance he failed to notice the sudden appearance of a certain man's best friend in the form of a crabby pug.

Pakkun glared evily up at his stupid master. "So, finally going to make repairs with your bitch eh?"

"Don't call him that!" growled Kakashi outraged and pulsing with red chakra.

"Sorry Boss, just dog lingo. I like Iruka-sensei, I have the utmost greatest and profound respect for him, unlike what I feel for you Boss or rather lack of respect I have for you. Idiot." Grunted Pakkun before he disappeared in a poof of smoke. "I miss Iruka-sensei's cooking, and his comforting presence. I miss Iruka-sensei!" he whined, the whole pack whined, day in and day out for months since the break up nine months ago.

The whole pack felt the same way on the subject, Kakashi was an _idiot_.

Kakashi hadn't been able to make them see reason, they weren't exactly on the best of terms at the moment though they continued to do their duties by their contract with Kakashi. Since his disastrous relationship with Iruka they had made themselves quite clear, Kakashi wasn't going to be making friends with his blood-oath ninkin again any time soon. Not until he made things right!

Dogs kept a grudge longer than some ninja summons and it was times like these that Kakashi felt a little self pity on the matter.

_They were my dogs first_. He pouted.

He was petty and childish in that thought but it was true, those dogs had been his first. How had Iruka subverted them to his side? It was a mystery Kakashi was doomed never to find out.

None of the dogs had yet to forgive him his giving up of his "mate". _Their_ opinion and foolish doggy logic _not_ Kakashi's or humanity's take on the matter. As far as Kakashi was concerned Iruka had only been a one night stand and an okay guy to hang out with on occassion to relieve boredom, that was it.

Kakashi was in the dog house in more ways than one because even Lady Tsunade like Lord Sarutobi before her had not forgiven Kakashi his mishandling of Iruka's heart. The chunin was beloved of both Hokages. Iruka was an invaluable asset to them, especailly to Sarutobi hokage before his death at teh chunin trials. Iruka worked paperwork and did schedules and took care of everything in the missions room and in Hokage Tower. Lady Tsunade took advantage of Iruka far worse than Kakashi ever had, even if she wasn't sleeping with him, kakashi had no doubt that she wanted to!

As far as Kakashi was concerned old man Sarutobi and old lady Tsuande were even lazier than Kakashi was. He could pride himself on at least being able to do his own paperwork himself without help from anyone least of all an overworked desk ninja, a chunin, like Iruka-sensei.

_**God! Why doesn't he ever leave my mind!**_ He screamed and continued to devastate the forested area around him. Genin, Chunin, Jounin, Special Jounin, and Anbu all scattered the area. Hatake's killer intent terrified them. Kakashi had finally lost it.

* * *

**Recommendation:** films Third Man Out and Ice Blue: _the Donald Strachey Mysteries_ starring Chad Allen and Sebastian Spence, on the HERE! Network. If you are of age subscribe to the Here! Network for a month and you can watch these really cute, interesting films. Third Man Out is also available on DVD and you can rent it at NetFlix. Warning though, there is a very hot very fleshy ten minutes in Third Man Out, so beware if you are not of age or if you are not comfortable with sexy fleshy moments. ^_^

**Recommendation:**This is a fic that came to me and was inspired after reading a very sad story:  
Three ninja and a baby by Mad Teddy Bear

I cried and couldn't sleep and I had interesting scenarios for this story going off in my head. I say, Mad Teddy Bear, if you read this story and see this little note here's a suggestion, please write a second chapter and have Iruka poison Tenzou and make Kakashi a cripple! Have Lady Tsunade in on it. She could forgive one dead ninja but not two and since Iruka still obviously loves the bastard, and Iruka needs a hubby for his predicament, make Kakashi pay. (evil laughter here)

Other influences for this story are fanfics in my favorites titled:

Training Kakashi,  
Mission Iruka, ()  
Mission Kakashi, ()  
Leaves in the Wind,  
Whispering Illusions,  
Teach Me to Love you,  
The Chasm between You and I,  
The First Step,  
Clueless Teachers,  
Underneath the Scars,  
Cast No Shadows,  
Somewhere to Belong,  
Hurtful,  
Heliotrope,  
Growing Up Eastern,  
The Elite,  
Ignorance is Bliss,  
Flesh and Feeling,  
Favorable Bachelor,  
Expressions and Emotions,  
Deafening Silence,  
and lastly,  
Teach me To Live

As well as a few others, some sad and depressing and others very uplifting and filled with hope.

Thank you for reading. **Feel free to leave a review or some constructive critique, no flames, no colorful lingo, please**. Thank you again, sincerely, Jazzy.

* * *

**AUTHOR NOTE**

**Most of my stories are moving to live journal... my website is coming down to make room for my eBook eManga Publishing Company's website. **

**If you have a manuscript you would like to submit, manga or novel, please feel free to email us at** _gemini78 (at) live . com_

**or go to our temporary home:** http://www. e-fic . com / jazzy2may/ home . htm** for information on our company.**

**or I can be reached through PM, I can also be reached at my LJ** http: // jazzy2may . livejournal. com/ **or by E-Mail:** mizukiruhoh (at) hotmail . com

**Cahrities still supported and we encourage folks to DONATE To Some Worthy Causes: Donate dollars or donate your time or some blankets or food! http: // www. e-fic . com / jazzy2may/ donate_2_worthy_causes . htm**

**THANK YOU**


	2. Ch 2: Just Fine Without You!

**Please forgive errors or any misspellings you find. But do feel free to mention your findings to me, it will help when I rewrite. :D**

**If you dislike stories like this Don't Read it, turn back now. Please be considerate and don't leave a flame on the way out. **Thank you, Jazzy

- - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - -

Title: MEANING  
Author: Jazzy  
Pairing: Iruka/Kakashi  
Rating: T

**SUMMARY: **It was supposed to be a one night stand. How was Kakashi to know that Iruka wouldn't be able to understand that? Kakashi finds that when something that was supposed to mean nothing suddenly became to mean everything to him. Iruka has meaning.

* * *

**A/N:**_ I watched another Korean Drama-Comedy, My Lovely Sam-Soon, and finally had a break through for how chapter two would progress. This is a hard story to write. I almost wrote myself into a dark corner with the warning sign for dead-end nailed tightly in place.  
__  
Also am watching Jumong and Dae Jang Geum, great action adventure soap operas! Absolutely the darn best shows I've seen in a long time._ **END A/N**

Thank God for "My lovely Sam-Soon" and "No.1 Coffee Prince Shop". These shows have some great stuff in it. Laugh, Cry, Darkness and Light, and so much wisdom in them, and the way the characters think and speak is so poetic!

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- - - - - - - - - -  
word count: 2,300  
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**WARNINGS:** Possible Humor, Definite Angst, darkness, drama, adventure, romance, m/m, slash, Yaoi, emotional hurts, hurt/comfort. Not Beta'd.

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**Chapter Two**

_"I'll Do Just Fine Without You. I Don't Need You At All!"_

Iruka was a practical shinobi. He'd made lemonade out of lemons that life had handed him countless times before. Just because he had fallen harder for this Jonin than any other before him, didn't mean Iruka was just going to crawl into some deep dark little cave and lay down die like some little insignifican worm. He'd survived just fine for tweny two years without Kakashi and he would continue to survive for another twenty or more years just fine without him.

He had not a single unrealistic expectation about himself or about those around him. Kakashi had crushed him mercilessly. Kakashi had made sure that Iruka remembered those realistic expectations very well.

He was proud to be a part of one of the strongest organized hidden villages in the world. He was proud to teach at the Academy and he was proud to use his skills in the missions room or in service as the Hokage's secondary secretary. he was not a useless member of this village. Iruka was useful. Iruka made himself very useful. He was dedicated to Konoha and dedicated to its efficient and smooth running governing bodies.

Iruka knew that without him and his skills his village would suffer but not be able to go on without him, he wasn't that arrogant. But he knew his Hokage fairly well and knew that Shizune had her hands full with getting Tsunade to do any sort of paperwork at all let alone let go of the sake bottle.

Iruka knew that Shizune appreciated his tidiness and his no nonsense style of filing and taking care of the Jonin, Chunin, and other shinobi around them, making it easier for her to do her duty to Tsunade and to their village. Shizune even asked him out to dinner. Iruka had been tempted. He liked Shizune but he didn't want to lead her on, not like… not like what Kakashi had done to him.

Iruka shouldn't still love Kakashi. Iruka should have known better. He had known all that Kakashi spoke was true. He hadn't needed Kakashi to say those things to know them by heart already. His childhood had been full of such observations by aunts, uncles, school chums; then later a succession of lovers that had all said the same things. They had pitied him or simply had liked the inner Iruka and not the outer Iruka. They had been ashamed to introduce him as their lover to friends or family because he was so plain and without ambition. As a shinobi, as a ninja, he was a disgrace and a liability He was a push over, naïve, easy to manipulate and take advantage of.

Iruka hadn't liked the jounin sensei of Naruto at first, because the man had come off as lazy and arrogant and uncaring, and someone that Iruka would not trust with his precious people his classroom children the children he'd trained and helped to raise. Iruka couldn't feel secure in a jounin who considered those same kids in the man's opinion, "soldiers". It had been repugnant to Iruka and had hit all of Iruka's protection buttons and anger buttons.

And yet, Hatake Kakashi had grown on Iruka. When Naruto was training more hours and was less accessible to Iruka Kakashi had come into his life more and more frequently and had taken away his loneliness. How could it all have been a lie?

Before they had slept together, for Iruka, Kakashi had been different. Kakashi had meant something to Iruka. Iruka couldn't place when he'd fallen in love exactly. It wasn't like they'd had a peaceful relationship. Kakashi was fun and charming and funny and perverted but in a good way, and yes Kakashi lied but so did many shinobi; it was in their job description. Iruka had felt as if he could forgive Kakashi anything, at first.

And sex with Kakashi to Iruka had been magical. It had been everything he had dreamed it could be. His skin had felt so alive under Kakashi's lips and fingers. His heart had never felt so full or so overflowing as when they made love or were simply spending time with each other.

At first Iruka could pretend obliviousness and pretend not to see the way Kakashi distanced himself except at night when he'd sneak in to Iruka's apartment and make love to him, or smell of alcohol and make sloppy love to him in some sleazy backroom just straight from a mission. Yes, sometimes the sex had been a little rough, sometimes there had been bruising, limping, sometimes Kakashi didn't heed Iruka's needs and only took care of his own leaving Iruka in pain and wanting.

Yet those could have been simple teases, simple ways to build the passion in their bedroom life. But the truth was a terrible thing to be enlightened by, knowing that all Kakashi had been was selfish, one lie after another, just a shadow of a man Iruka could have admired.

It had been easy to lie to himself and excuse everything as mission related or report related or team7 related, so many excuses he'd made for Kakashi and his treatment of him.

Iruka had foolishly loved Kakashi. Had felt Kakashi was supposed to be the one great love of his life. The one he was supposed to be with at the end of his life. How wrong he was. How heart breaking painfully wrong he'd been.

He gazed out the window of the missions desk area, sipping from his coffee mug and remembered.

* * *

Memory

Kakashi had slept with him and stayed until the morning and even had made breakfast for him. Kakashi had smiled kindly at him even when he had leaned over to kiss Kakashi a thank you for last night and the breakfast after. Iruka had felt all warm and tingly. He had felt that this was it. This was his world. Kakashi was his.

He'd been wrong.

He'd been smiling and drinking his coffee getting ready for work and then he had made the suggestion of lunch.

Kakashi declined.

Iruka asked about dinner.

Again Kakashi declined.

"Do you have a mission?" he inquired soberly, putting his hair back up into its usual no nonsense pony tail. "When can we see each other again?"

Kakashi smiled kindly, but in his eyes was something firm and sort of cold. Iruka looked a long time into that grey eye and knew what Kakashi was going to say next was not going to be pleasant.

"I was hoping to make this easy on you, Iruka-Sensei, but you really are quite dense aren't you? Put quite simply, this was a one night stand. I would think you would get the idea when I declined both lunch and dinner. Why would I sleep with you more than the once? My itch is scratched. You're another notch on my bed post." Explained Kakashi cruelly.

Iruka trembled. His face went carefully blank as he bore each wound that cut him with every word the Elite Jonin chose to speak.

"You're just not my type. You're not even that handsome Iruka. I don't mean to be cruel but your features are plain. You fade into the background as you fade out of memory. Your skills are below Jonin. You're very emotional.

Don't get the wrong idea, Sensei. Last night was fun but let's not make a habit of it, alright?" said Kakashi, beaming, setting his empty coffee cup on the counter top than quite gracefully and coolly Kakashi walked out of his home and out of his life.

End Memory

* * *

Iruka would not see Kakashi but rarely and only the times they accidentally ran into each other on the streets of Konoha or were on any missions together or like now when Kakashi was supposed to hand in a missions report.

Iruka felt cut, bereft, sliced in half by a chidori. What little bit of self worth or self esteem Iruka had developed over the years had been taken from him. He had been crushed like a bug under that Jonin's boot.

It was hard to pretend that it had meant nothing to him. It was hard to go on knowing that all you had been to the man you thought loved you was nothing more than a quick one night stand.

For all that Kakashi said "Let's not make a habit of it" Kakashi had somehow done just that. Iruka felt like the little bouncy ball on the rubber string on the paddle board Kakashi was playing with. And now he wasn't even that.

He missed Kakashi's teasing. He missed Kakashi's arms around him.

How could it all have been a lie?

How could Iruka have fallen so hard for all those lies, for the lie that had been their lives together? How could he live with himself knowing he'd been so thoroughly used and so thoroughly mistaken and taken in by Kakashi's charm?

Iruka should really hate Hatake with all of his passion. But he just couldn't muster that kind of emotion. He felt dead inside. He didn't know how to explain it or how to understand how it had happened. But somehow he'd been murdered by Kakashi and yet he was still alive. He was still living, still breathing, still a human being. But he was a numbed and a walking dead man.

Yet here he was a year later. Naruto was returned to the village for a long overdue visit with Jeraiya in tow. And Iruka now had a little girl that made life that little bit sweeter, even though it had been his fault the little girl was orphaned, Iruka was taking responsibility for that mistake. He was raising her for his own child as his heir. He had grown to love her almost too quickly to be real. She made him feel good again. She treated him like a second father or a favorite uncle.

Things were finally getting better for him. He could do it.

"I'll Do Just Fine Without You. I Don't Need You At All!" he muttered, glaring out that window at the darkening sky.

His duty was finally done for the night and Kakashi as usual was late to turn in his report but too bad for Kakashi, Iruka wasn't going to wait around for him, not this time. he had better things tobe doing with his time then waiting on an arrogant perpetually late heartless Jonin as Hatake Kakashi.

* * *

Naruto noticed how gaunt Iruka was. He noted that Iruka had lost weight. Concern glowed in his overly large blue eyes as they shared a dinner of Ichiraku Ramen together. Little Hoshi hugging her stuffed piggy, a gift from Tsunade, she played with her toast while listening to her Iruka and her new brother talk to each other. Iruka would reach over every now and again and take away one of her chopsticks and instruct that she play less and eat instead. She tried to be good and do as he had instructed but playing was so much more fun than just boring old eating.

"Iruka-Ni-sama, are you okay?" asked Naruto.

Iruka smiled kindly. "I am fine Naruto. I've just been working a lot lately. Extra shifts, and Hoshi, but I promise I'll take a break soon. I'm not as young as I used to be." He chuckled.

Naruto frowned. "Maybe you should go get checked out by Oba-san, Granny tsunade?"

Iruka cracked his knuckles into Naruto's thick head. "Such disrespect!" he chastised.

Naruto whined, blurred blue eyes with salty tears in them. "Iruuuukaaaa!"

Iruka arched a displeased brow at him. Naruto pouted then hid his face in his bowl of noodles.

"But seriously, if you are concerned, I will go and see her. It is almost time for my annual check up anyway. Have to stay fit and in shape to be a shinobi." Iruka grinned, manically.

Naruto winced. Iruka definitely seemed a little off now.

"Has someone been putting you down sensei?" asked Naruto astutely.

Iruka winced, face went carefully blank. He didn't want to involve Naruto into the matter. It was between him and Kakashi, not between Naruto, him, and Kakashi.

"No, not at all. I am respected as always."

Naruto frowned still blue eyes narrowed in suspicion. "You definitely need that vacation, then."

And with that said and laughter between them the matter was dropped at least for the time being.

* * *

TBC - chapter three in the works as is chapter four! :D

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_**Recommendations**: "My lovely Sam-Soon" and "No.1 Coffee Prince Shop". These shows have some great stuff in it. Laugh, Cry, Darkness and Light, and so much wisdom in them, and the way the characters think and speak is so poetic! __Also am watching Jumong and Dae Jang Geum, great action adventure soap operas! Absolutely the darn best shows I've seen in a long time._


	3. Ch 3: RESPECT me! Or DIE!

Title: MEANING  
Author: Jazzy  
Pairing: Iruka/Kakashi  
Rating: T

**SUMMARY: **It was supposed to be a one night stand. How was Kakashi to know that Iruka wouldn't be able to understand that? Kakashi finds that when something that was supposed to mean nothing suddenly became to mean everything to him. Iruka has meaning.

**WARNINGS:** Possible Humor, Definite Angst, darkness, drama, adventure, romance, m/m, slash, Yaoi, emotional hurts, hurt/comfort. Not Beta'd.

_Word Count: 2,780_

I didn't mean to update so quickly, hell, I wasn't expecting to have this chapter finished until next week, talk about demand and answer, here it is, Meaning: Chapter Three: Respect Me or Die...

* * *

Respect me or die!

**CHAPTER THREE**

Iruka on a good day was feisty. It was something Kakashi liked best about the chunin. On a bad day Iruka was a volcano. And Kakashi liked that as well. Iruka was never irresponsible. He was patient and kind. Iruka didn't do revenge either. That too was something Kakashi liked about Iruka.

Iruka was a Konoha shinobi, therefore, that made him an ally of Kakashi's, and nothing more, well other than his door mat. Iruka liked to fight and pretend he was strong while on the inside he was emotionally dependant and showed himself for a marshmallow on many given occassions. Still Iruka was an interesting type of door mat. Iruka was fun to play with and torment. No one else could turn the colors that Iruka turned during Kakashi's teasings.

Why couldn't kakashi get enough of the chastized, flabbergasted, outraged, tempestuous Chunin?

Kakashi whistled as he made his way to the mission's desk. He was fresh back from a mission. He was still covered in splatters of mud and blood. He had looked forward to seeing Iruka and feel the heat of Iruka's castigations. Iruka never ceased to make Kakashi feel very warm. He blinked owlishly as he came to a stop in front of Iruka's desk.

Why was the mission's room empty of Iruka?

Why hadn't Iruka waited up for him?

And why did he care that Iruka hadn't waited for him - er- for his report?

Iruka had been a notch on the bed post, nothing more. Iruka wasn't supposed to mean anything at all to him. Iruka was nothing. Nobody. He didn't have any looks or special skills, and in bed Iruka had been comfortable and accommodating, but nothing spectacular, not really.

Okay, so Iruka could induce nirvana, but that was nothing new. Kakashi had been with plenty of others just as good if not better in bed than Iruka.

Iruka wasn't supposed to mean anything to Kakashi.

Back to the empty missions desk with Iruka's nameplate on it. Kakashi looked around noticed a sleepy chunin in the corner most farthest desk, but still no sign of Iruka.

Perhaps Iruka was in the break room?

This puzzled Kakashi.

It wasn't in Iruka's behavior patterns. Iruka didn't leave the office until he had received the last report, that was who and what Iruka was, responsible to a "T".

This was uncharacteristic of Iruka and Kakashi didn't know what to make of it. He sent Pakkun out to sniff out the sensei, just to make sure that something hadn't happened to his "ally".

Pakkun had scowled at Kakashi while making his report.

"Snug as a bug in his bed, Kakashi. His brat almost caught me and tried to put a tutu around me."

Kakashi frowned not at Pakkun's near tutu disaster but that Iruka was in bed. "Are you sure it was Iruka?"

"Yeah, Boss. He smelled the same as he ever has." Only sickly. But Pakkun wasn't going to divulge that to his stupid jonin boss. If Kakashi was such an idiot as to let Iruka go then why should Pakkun tell Kakashi Iruka's business? Not gonna happen.

Kakashi continued to frown. He turned in his report to the sleepy chunin on duty, unhappily. He had wanted to have fun with Iruka. He had wanted Iruka to be loud and obnoxious as usual. He wanted the old Iruka back. A broken Iruka was no fun. Iruka's backbone it seemed had finally grown back at long last it seemed.

That was good. Maybe Iruka would survive Kakashi after all. But would Kakashi survive Iruka.

Uneasily Kakashi shadow hopped his way home and prepared for a night of nightmares and usual post mission traumas. It was at times like this that he missed Iruka's warm giving body the most. Maybe Kakashi needed to go the bar and find a willing body? And yet when he got there he didn't feel the slightest bit turned on by anyone in the room. He wanted Iruka.

* * *

Iruka frowned. Kakashi was everywhere Iruka was. Iruka noted Kakashi was following him.

But why?

Why was Hatake Kakashi following him? What more entertainment could Iruka possibly give him? What was Kakashi's deal? The man stuck out like a sore thumb.

Iruka had no more illusions about his meaning for Kakashi. Iruka had been a passing fancy, a flavor of the month, and etcetera.

It was really beginning to irritate and upset Iruka that Kakashi was following him and not even trying to pretend that he was doing otherwise, no matter the flimsy cover of an orange pervert novel to keep his face even more hidden from the casual eye.

What sort of game was Kakashi trying to play with him now?

Iruka scowled at the childish Kakashi. Iruka dashed quickly onto a roof top then leaped from one roof top to the next in as swift a run as possible also weaving patterns to try and lose the vexing Jonin.

* * *

Kakashi followed Iruka all through the village. Stalking his prey to figure out what had changed about the young sensei.

Iruka was diligent and security minded even walking down the streets of Konoha. Iruka was no nonsense straight through. Iruka had never been easy. He was a sensei with a sensei's instincts and nerves. There was very little that could get past Iruka's notice, not without a lot of trying and a lot of chakra use.

Kakashi smiled and gave chase. Iruka was swift but still not fast enough to outrun the elite Jonin. Kakashi was like a dog with a scent in his nose and, also like a dog with the bone between his teethe, he wasn't going to easily let go of it or give up his pursuit of the fleeing Chunin Sensei.

* * *

Iruka felt his heartbeat speed up. He felt his explosive temper finally rise through his body. He couldn't bite on it. He couldn't throttle it back down into the caverns of his heart where it belonged. The rage soared as his frustrations mounted as Kakashi continued to chase him all throughout Konoha and finally ending in the Hokage tower in the missions room at Iruka's desk, where Iruka was supposed to start his shift in under twenty minutes.

Kakashi slowed his pace then sauntered into the room acting all cool, unruffled and innocent as if he hadn't been up to no good.

Iruka felt volcano melt down explode outward from him. Every one in the mission's room stood still hardly daring to breathe as Chunin and Elite Jonin, Superior and Subordinate, went at each other in a verbal match of scathing and heart wounding words, demands, eventual name calling, until Iruka threw the first punch.

Kakashi blocked, Iruka countered with a combination kick and spin. Iruka became a blur of speed and emotion, chakra soared, the room seemed suddenly short on air and space, immense pressure from both Chunin and Jonin battered at witnesses and at each other.

Kakashi wasn't bothering to try to hurt Iruka in return or in retaliation. Kakashi accepted that he deserved Iruka's ire. He deserved ever strike Iruka tried to connect on his person. Unfortunately Kakashi didn't want to be injured though he did deserve the chunin's temper and every punch, kick and body slam Iruka brought into the contest of wills between them.

"What is your problem?!" screamed Iruka.

"You are." Hissed Kakashi, struggling to contain Iruka's energy and fury.

"What is that supposed to mean?" growled Iruka. His color changing from red to purple, steam pouring out his ears, fire glittering in his dark obsidian eyes, vein twitching unhealthy on his brow.

"You're going to give yourself an aneurism." Chastised Kakashi.

"As if you care!" screamed Iruka, finally managing to connect at long frustrating last a blow to Kakashi, sending the Jonin onto his ass.

Iruka leaped into the air performing a spin kick aimed to land with deadly force on his opponent. Iruka planned to annihilate Kakashi. Iruka wanted to obliterate the pain Kakashi had caused him, obliterate Kakashi from the face of the earth so that Iruka wouldn't have to deal with Kakashi or his weirdness or the pain in his heart ever again.

"You are going to respect me or die!" screamed the out of control Chunin.

Genma intercepted the flying body of enraged chunin while Raidou dragged the still stunned and downed Kakashi from out of Iruka's landing area. Iruka and Genma fell to the floor in a body tuck roll, Iruka grappled and lost, Genma wrapped his body around that of the wider shorter man, legs hugging tightly to legs, arms hooked around arms, hogtied by body to body.

"Let me go!" screamed Iruka struggling to free himself from his friend.

But Genma was equally determined not to let Iruka go. Genma was not going to let go of Iruka until the sweet dolphin returned to his senses and kind nature.

"Let me finish it." Pleaded Iruka, near tears. "He deserves it. Please."

Genma replied heartlessly. "No, I can't do that Iruka-kun. You need to calm down. I can't believe that you're trying to kill Kakashi. What on earth has gotten into you. I know you guys broke up but…"

Iruka glared at Kakashi. But all of a sudden Iruka felt this odd pain in his chest, he looked down to see if he'd been wounded but there was nothing there, the pain came again, his heart beat was loud and strange in his ears, he felt light headed, dizzy, cold, like he was leaving his body, weak, sweat was beaded on his forehead and slick down his sides and dripping ickily down his back, pooling just in the dip of his back before his rump, but something thicker than sweat dribbled from his nose and onto his lips and down his chin.

* * *

For a second time the Mission's Room was silent, deadly silent, broken by a gasp from Kakashi as his grey eye widened at the sight of blood on his Iruka's face. He knew he hadn't struck his lover. He knew Genma had made the landing hard but not so hard as to do damage let alone cause a geyser of a nose bleed.

"Iruka?" he asked, not even recognizing his own voice, it shook with shock and fear and horror.

Iruka wasn't supposed to be injured or hurt. Iruka wasn't suppose to cause Kakashi this sort of pain. Iruka wasn't supposed to mean anything to him. So then why was it that seeing Iruka in this pain, seeing Iruka with blood on his face was causing Kakashi's heart to break and even worse causing him to feel the nearly extinct emotion in his breast known as terror.

"Somebody!" screamed Kakashi, "Somebody get Lady Tsunade." Then cold command came over him. "Genma" he ordered. "Let go of Iruka, he can't breathe."

Genma let go and rolled away from the felled chunin then leaped up to his feet to stand over Iruka's inert form. Iruka was shaking, eyes fixated on the blood that was pooling under his chin on the floor where he lay. Kakashi scrambled to his side and desperately, tremblingly gathered the in shock Chunin into his arms.

"Iruka, stay with me." He begged. "Stay with me." He looked up from the dulled eyes of his lover to the shinobi staring in shock at them. "Somebody, where is Tsunade?" he cried.

Tsunade barreled into the room immediately taking charge, shouting orders, running her shinobi to the hospital. Iruka's life force was fading fast.

"How the hell did this happen?!" she growled.

The hospital doors slammed open in their wake. Kakashi was reluctant to let Iruka go from his arms but had no choice as his Hokage ordered him to do so. Kakashi lay him gently into the bed that was rolling between nurses and doctors and a desperate Hokage, running straight for the surgery wing. Tsunade kicked Kakashi's tenacious butte out of her surgery room.

"Stay in the hall with the others." She ordered. "Authorized persons, healers only! No one else is allowed in this area. Don't make me break your legs and your arms Hatake." She hissed in final warning.

Kakashi trembled, shaken, weakly he kneeled on the tiled floor of the ER, eyes fixated on the door and barrier to his Chunin.

* * *

Soon civilians and shinobi of all levels filled the waiting area waiting for word of Iruka-Sensei. Naruto most notably and little Hoshi at his side. Other children, pre-genin, genin, and civilian and academy kids and their parents waited also, some in tears, other in fear, others in calm, others sure that Iruka would make it just fine.

Kakashi felt so guilty. He had done this to Iruka. He had no doubt about his culpability in the matter and he was willing to accept responsibility and take any punishment required for his actions against Iruka.

He'd been a fool. He'd pushed Iruka away. Fooled himself into thinking that Iruka had meant nothing to him when in fact Iruka meant the world, the entire Universe to him. It was a hard realization for him to accept. It was also too late. He'd destroyed any chances he had of repairing his and Iruka's relationship a long time ago.

This was all his fault.

Kakashi deserved this utter feeling of devastation. He deserved this pain. It was only his just deserts. It was what he deserved for treating Iruka the way he had for saying those lies and hurting Iruka the way he had.

"I've murdered the love of my life." He murmured darkly, almost too low for anyone to hear.

Ibiki growled low next to his rocking kneeled body. "What foolish ideas are popping up in your head hound?"

Kakashi shut down, unwilling to speak any more or say another word. But his eye was dark and murky with darkness and despair.

Ibiki narrowed his eyes and kicked Kakashi in the butte. "Shape up. Iruka doesn't need a drama queen. He needs a man, a real man, is that man going to be you, or someone else?"

Kakashi shook his head. "He's mine."

"Then why the hell did you throw him away, jack ass?" asked Ibiki in interrogation mode.

"I don't know." Kakashi gasped in pain as Ibiki grabbed his hair and twisting that bushy silver hair in his fists. Ibiki shook Kakashi like a rag doll.

Kakashi continued to protest still in some denial. "I don't know."

"Liar." Accused Ibiki, increasing the force of his shakes. He was feeling pretty righteous and pretty much in a lot of emotional turmoil over his dear young friend's predicament.

Kakashi hissed in pain. He managed to free himself as survival instincts took over and twisted free, grunting as a few tufts of his hair broke away from his scalp. Damn Ibiki had a mean grip.

"I don't know." He protested. "I don't know why I did what I did. He wasn't supposed to mean anything to me." He gasped out desperately. "He's not pretty. He's not a Jonin. He's nothing special. I don't know why I can't let him go. He's mine. He's mine." He growled, almost insane.

"Why does he mean anything at all to me? He was only supposed to be a momentary thing, a one night fancy, a one night stand. How dare he worm his way into my heart. How dare he?!" raged Kakashi. "How dare he do this to me!"

Ibiki looked at Kakashi with deep disgust. "You really are a dumb son of a bitch, aren't you, Hatake? I don't know who to pity more, you or Iruka, because God help you both, the two of you are still in love with one another. And hell, you're so stupid you can't even think in terms of love."

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TBC - chapter four in the works! coming soon! :D

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Please hit the review button, let me know what you think, no flames though, okay? :D

Reviews They're greatly appreciated and help with the muses (sometimes).

Please review. :D


	4. Ch 4: Devotion & Contrition

Title: MEANING  
Author: Jazzy  
Pairing: Iruka/Kakashi  
Rating: T

**SUMMARY: **It was supposed to be a one night stand. How was Kakashi to know that Iruka wouldn't be able to understand that? Kakashi finds that when something that was supposed to mean nothing suddenly became to mean everything to him. Iruka has meaning.

**WARNINGS:** Possible Humor, Definite Angst, darkness, drama, adventure, romance, m/m, slash, Yaoi, emotional hurts, hurt/comfort. Not Beta'd.

* * *

_**A/N**__**:  
**__As one reviewer noted, yes, in chapter three I did cut and paste a section in from one of the previous chapters, but I tweaked it, I'm pretty sure its not exactly the same as it was in the previous chapter. I felt it was an important paragraph and needed to be viewed from the other character's point of view, as well as a slight reminder to readers of what the characters are angsting over. I apologize if it came off as confusing or distracting. Sincerely, Jazzy.  
__**End A/N**_

_word count: 3,030_

* * *

**CHAPTER FOUR**

Title: An Act of Devotion and Contrition.

The Hospital was empty. Iruka had been moved in to a quiet single private room where he was to be monitored up until and after he woke up, Tsunade's orders. Also, Iruka was not allowed visitors until Tsunade was certain his health could take the strain. Lady Tsunade was reluctant to divulge Iruka's health issues without first talking to the chunin about them and then having his permission to discuss those issues with others.

The concerned citizens of Konoha reluctantly trickled out of the hospital. Kids were disappointed and still scared that Iruka-sensei may not make it through the night.

The Hokage scowled at the brave brats who challenged her verdict of watch and wait. "I operated on the man for four hours, are you saying my skills are worthless? Are you challenging the words of your Hokage? You brats! The nerve! He's alive dammit! And he will stay that way as long as I am both Hokage and Healer; now get the hell out of my Hospital." She growled in outrage.

Kakashi though was not about to just leave not after what had happened between Umino and himself.

Ibiki watched him with narrowed eyes, then Ibiki did the unmistakable sign for: "I have my eyes on you" plus deadly scowl. Fingers formed in the sign of peace only pointing from his glowering suspicious eyes to Hatake's pretend innocent grey eye.

Hatake raised a silver brow in question, "me?"

Ibiki's eyebrows dipped lower in a fierce look of further warning, dark deadly scowl, the kind that had left more than a few enemy ninja trembling on the cement floor in their cells wetting themselves in terror.

But Hatake Kakashi was made of tougher stuff besides he had to see Iruka with his own eyes, smell him, watch his chest move with every breath, feel that breath on his cheek or fingers, he had to touch Iruka, hold his hand, just be there for the chunin. He needed to hear Iruka's heartbeat and know, really know that Iruka was alive.

Kakashi used his best lazy walk, slumped posture, air of not a care in the world around him. He walked unhurriedly from the room then when he was out of sight Kakashi henged into a nurse then made his way to the patient's desk, making note of Iruka's room number he then walked over to a dinner cart resting carelessly in the hallway against a closet, begging for a nurse to push it, filled with plates full of suppers.

Kakashi whistled and made his way nonchalantly towards it, curling strong fingers around the handle, squeaking wheels trundled as Kakashi pushed, taking the cart with him on his journey to Iruka's part of the Hospital.

* * *

The hall was quiet but being patrolled by Anbu and nurses to keep pig headed Jonins and Genin out of Iruka's room.

Kakashi smiled. _Ah, a challenge_. But no one was going to keep him away from Iruka, _no one_.

Naruto seemed to have adopted the same plan as Kakashi, blonde nurse and blonde nurse glared at one another across the hall way. Each of them knowing on an instinctive level who the other was. Naruto like Kakashi, needed and wanted to see Iruka, but for other reasons; Naruto loved Iruka as a little brother loves their big brother. Whereas Kakashi was in major guilt mode and reluctantly wising up to his true motivations where Iruka was concerned, such as, he was in love with Iruka.

Kakashi didn't think Naruto would take to that information very well. Hell, Kakashi had to wonder how Ibiki had figured it out so quickly or if Ibiki had known all along about the two of them, Jonin and Chunin, having a secret private affair with one another.

Kakashi had been careful not to advertise his business, especially when that private stuff was hot gay sex with a Chunin. And Gay, which Kakashi was not!

No way in hell was Kakashi gay and no way in hell was he going to cop to the fact that he and Iruka had had sex and had a relationship for three months. How had Ibiki found out? Had Iruka told him? And if so, how many others knew about Iruka and Kakashi?

But most importantly, Naruto could not be allowed to know what had happened between Iruka and Kakashi. Naruto barely held a lick of respect for Kakashi as is, and training the little fox vessel was a hassle already and he knew it could get worse. Kakashi had heard the horror stories from the Academy. No way did he want to be on Naruto's bad side. He wanted to keep his Itcha Itcha collection and he wanted to keep that collection relatively unharmed and as they were, in perfect mint collector's condition!

Naruto scowled at his sensei, the one he called Bakashi behind his back. There was no way he was going to allow Kakashi to see Iruka first. For one thing Kakashi was a jerk and for another, he knew Kakashi had very little to no respect for Iruka-sensei because Iruka was a Chunin and had irked him in some way.

Why the two men were on each other's bad sides was beyond Naruto's comprehension but he did understand that they disliked one another, so why the hell was Kakashi trying to check in on Iruka-sensei?

_**Probably to try and finish the poor chunin sensei off!**_ He thought with sudden startled alarming brilliance.

Naruto would be cast into the eternal pits of hell before he let Kakashi try to finish off Iruka-sensei. Burning with inspired heroism Naruto through off his disguise and attacked Kakashi or at least he would have if not for the other Anbu and nurse at Iruka's door. Naruto was loud and outraged and pointing a vexing finger at Kakashi as they dragged him out of the hallway and far, far, away from the recovering Iruka's room.

"Lady Tsunade will have a thing to say to you young man." Growled the stern nurse carrying the struggling troublesome Naruto out of the ICU wing.

Kakashi grinned, his smile was hidden behind the dinner tray he offered the guards. They didn't bother looking for poison or for sleeping draught.

* * *

Kakashi silently crept into the room letting his henge drop then pulled a chair over to the bed.

Iruka was pale, too pale, and breathing through an oxygen mask. Kakashi had to fight the burning sensation of tears in his eyes. A shaky hand reached over to touch Iruka's cheek.

Kakashi looked tormented. Lady Tsunade sighed as she let herself come out of her hidden place in the shadows. "I should have known you would ignore me, Kakashi. I knew what Naruto would do but you surprise me. It wasn't your fault brat. I did not find one mark on him that had not already been there from his years in the field and at the Academy. What do you have to feel guilt about?"

Kakashi looked at her. "I know I did not hit him. I let him hit at me, but I blocked his moves, until he managed a lucky hit on me. But I did not strike him, not once, not in retaliation, not by purpose or by accident. He has every right to be angry with me. I used him."

"If that's the case then why are you here? Guilt?" she demanded harshly.

Lady Tsunade was not a gentle woman nor a tender one. She was bold as brass and powerful. She feared very little and she spoke her mind. She played hard and drank hard and for all of that she was still a good and decent Hokage who cared about her tools and her citizens equally.

"Unresolved feelings, my Hokage." Replied Kakashi.

"Even now you can't be straight with me, Kakashi?" asked Tsunade frowning. "I am the Hokage! Do you really think I don't know the truth?" she hissed.

She shook her head, exasperated. "I don't like you much right now, Hatake. Nor did I like the way you played Iruka. You're having regrets now, I can see that. Don't make things worse, Brat! His health is fragile! Understand me Hatake." she growled.

Then she took a calming breath, scowl still firmly attached to her face. Though somehow it took on a slightly less menacing cast and took on a rather odd maternal accent.

"I will allow you this night with him. . . But tomorrow, if I catch you any where near Umino-Sensei without my permission first; I will have you thrown into a cell and tortured by Ibiki for the next several days in retaliation for your disobedience. Understand me brat?"

"Thank you, Lady Tsunade."

"Don't thank me, just don't make me regret this leniency." She snarled. Then with a huff she exited the hospital room. Not even glancing back to catch Kakashi's silent reply, that of a nodd of his head.

Tsunade transported to the side of her unconscious men, to tend to her Anbu's melaize. She didn't need any alarms set or for Iruka and Kakashi to be disturbed.

* * *

Kakashi sat quietly for a while just staring at Iruka's profile in his hospital bed. Finally Kakashi sighed then needing to do some thing he stood up from his chair and paced. He couldn't find any level of comfort or temerity to read his Itcha Itcha not while Iruka was unconscious and unable to make a fuss.

That was half the appeal to Kakashi lately, having Iruka go volcanic whenever he saw the trashy novels.

He berated himself for not having the courage to say what was in his heart. Tonight was his only chance to speak his heart to Iruka at least until Iruka was deemed ready to greet visitors again. Kakashi gazed at the pale sleeping sensei, breathing mask still firmly attached to his mouth and nose.

Kakashi blinked back tears again. Breathing had suddenly become rather difficult.

"stop being such a coward hound." He growled, chastising himself for his faltering in the face of this newest trial.

Shakily He stroked his hand over a warm cheek then kissed Iruka's brow, it too was warm.

Kakashi angrily broke away from Iruka and strove over to the sink and counter, at the end of the room, gathering a bowl from the cabinet under the sink and a wash cloth on the shelf below it. Kakashi filled the bowl with cool water then settled back in his chair by Iruka's bedside. He soaked the cloth then gently applied it to Iruka's warm skin applying soothing cool strokes of the damp cloth over cheeks and brow and eyes.

Kakashi finally settled the damp cloth on Iruka's forehead after ringing it out for a third time and re-dampening it in the cool crisp water. Iruka was pale in spite of the warmth of his skin, a possible fever induced by some sort of shock or trauma of the operation, Kakashi analyzed.

Kakashi took Iruka's lax hand in his, deriving comfort from the strong fingers, gentle yet callused. He kissed the finger tips then rested his face into Iruka's chest, listening to his heart beat and letting the tears finally fall.

"How did it get to this, end up this way? How did we let this happen to us? How did we get here, to this place in our lives? Ruru-chan, how could you love a coward like me all of this time? How do we repair this? Don't leave me Ruka."

"I know I shouldn't ask this. I know I shouldn't beg you to stay here, not when I know how miserable I've made you. I don't how it happened, Iruka-Sensei. I can't pinpoint when it was that you penetrated this hard flesh of mine and crawled into my heart and seized it with talons so strong I can't dislodge them. I miss you Ru-chan."

"I miss your smiles and your laughter. I know I was a fool. I know I mistreated you. Don't die Iruka. Please Iruka, there are too many who love you and count on you. Don't do this. Don't you dare die on me." Begged Kakashi.

"Look what you've done to me, Iruka. What you have reduced me to. I'm begging."

"I'm begging you with all of my heart, don't you dare die on me. Don't you dare leave me. Don't you dare make Naruto an orphan again or that little girl we rescued. Don't you give up on life without fighting for it, give it everything you have, Iruka, and don't you dare give up. I know I have no right to ask this of you, but please come back, come back to me, come back to us."

Iruka's hand squeezed Kakashi's hand while his other hand awkwardly settled on silver hair and stroked, soothing and gentle. He should have armed his heart better against Kakashi. Even now that traitorous organ squeezed painfully in emotion for Kakashi, empathy and sympathy, it even forgave him though Iruka wished to hold a grudge against this Jonin, this hurtful bastard, but he couldn't.

"I wronged you Iruka. I wronged even myself with how I treated you. I love you, Iruka. I really love you." Kakashi's voice finally broke as a full break down occurred as he wept with grief and fear. "I am so scared Iruka, please… please."

"I can't forgive you Kakashi." Iruka whispered, rasped, his voice like his heart was weak with strain. "You hurt me. But I do love you. I should hate you. I should live to destroy you and have revenge on you, or at least prank you until you die, but I can't. I can't seem to stop this stupid sentimental heart of mine from loving you."

Kakashi was stunned. Iruka was conscious. Iruka was speaking to him! Iruka's voice sounded like it hurt. He quickly grabbed some ice out of the small fridge under the bed and quickly lifted the mask and popped an ice cube into Iruka's mouth to soothe the dry painful voice.

Iruka suckled the ice cube gratefully, but was even more grateful that Kakashi was listening to him and waiting on him, comforting him.

"Thank you, Kashi-kun. My heart is broken Hatake Kakashi-sensei. Can you repair it? Would you even be willing to repair it? Would you have the nerve to live openly with me and say to others as I would say to others and introduce you to others, "this is the man I love, this the man I live with?" Somehow I don't think you can or will be willing to say such things or mend this broken trust between us or the frail heart of mine."

"You're wrong." Insisted Kakashi.

"Am I?" asked Iruka wonderingly. Memories invaded his current thoughts and for a time he was transported back in time. Kakashi too was transported back to that same time period in his mind, the same events as Iruka only from his own perspective.

"You had plenty of chances." Whispered Iruka pained.

Kakashi bowed his head in shame. It was true. Every test he had been given he had failed. He had failed Iruka. He had failed himself.

"Give me another chance Iruka. I know I can do better. This time I will treat you right and properly, I swear it."

Iruka shook his head tired and still remembering those events as if they were yesterday rather than nine months ago. "No, you're too afraid. You can't stand to think of yourself as a gay man let alone entrust that identity to others. You can't stand to have people look at you and see you as a gay man. You aren't brave enough to whether the pain that such admittance will give you. Konoha forgives many things but Homosexuality is not widely accepted here. I know that." Pause for another ice cube to pop into his mouth and sooth his aching tormented throat.

"I've heard the jokes and seen the crude leers and the looks. I've been gay-bashed before. And I have no doubt I will be again in the future. But together we could have weathered it and been strong together and stand up in the face of such prejudices. Together, Kakashi, together we could ahve stood as one, and maybe, even make it easier for others like us to come out of the closet, maybe make a stand and make people respect who we are and our choices."

"Kakashi, we can't go back."

Kakashi's heart squeezed painfully. His hopes of reconciliation were sinking and fast. He had been a coward. He could not deny it. And because of that cowardice he had lost the most precious person in his life, Iruka.

But he had been too afraid and too blind to see it until it was too late.

* * *

**TBC**

* * *

_**Chapter five** in the works. Exploring the three months of their lives together and also forthcoming, probably in chapter six, the mysterious illness that is affecting Iruka-sensei… see ya next time!_

* * *

**Recommendations**:

An awesome **Iruka/Kakashi** hurt-comfort, Angst, Humor YAOI fic.  
NARUTO: **Wolf's Winter** author **Beatrisu**

Other Recommendations: Now out in Dvd:

Naruto dvd set 9, Bleach dvd set 2, InuYasha dvd set 5

UGLY BETTY season 1 and 2 on DVD, CHUCK season 1

* * *

**(I love these films!)**

_**Forbidden Kingdom  
** starring Jackie Chan and Jet Li._

_**Nim's Island, & Definitely Maybe**_

* * *

Korean DVD sets: (which I know I have recommended before, but I just can't recommend thenm enough! They're awesome!)

**_No.1 Coffee Prince_**

**_My Lovely Sam-Soon_**

**_Jumong_**

* * *

**_SEE YA NEXT TIME ON MEANING or Stuck in Darkness or Champions or Iruka Marries or my INUYASHA fics: LOVE POTION, KOUGA BAKA! & DEMON PUPPIES_**

**_ALSO please feel free to review. I love reviews, even if I don't always reply right away. Reviews do help the author write chapters in a timely manner. :D LOL  
Also, reviews help with rewrites, I like helpful reviews, but I also love just reviews._**

**_Thank you to all who have reviewed or have added this story to their favorites, thank you, sincerely, Jazzy._**


	5. Ch 5: A Scarecrow & A Dolphin prt1

Title: MEANING

Title: MEANING  
Author: Jazzy  
Pairing: Iruka/Kakashi  
Rating: T

**SUMMARY: **It was supposed to be a one night stand. How was Kakashi to know that Iruka wouldn't be able to understand that? Kakashi finds that when something that was supposed to mean nothing suddenly became to mean everything to him he would do everything in his power to reclaim what is his. Now if only Iruka would come to feel the same way… Has Kakashi a hope in hell of getting back what he has lost?

**WARNINGS:** Possible Humor, Definite Angst, darkness, drama, adventure, romance, m/m, slash, Yaoi, emotional hurts, hurt/comfort. Not Beta'd.

_word count: 3,852_

* * *

**CHAPTER FIVE**

Subtitle: _**Strong Feelings & Realizations: How a Scarecrow got with his Dolphin!**_

**A year previously, a few weeks before their first date…**

Kakashi created masks which fit to the villagers' and fellow Shinobi opinion of him. They wrote his reputation for him. They created his identity his very persona. He simply played the parts they had created for him in this great play called life.

Kakashi played to their expectations. They did not know the real him, they could never know the real him, even Kakashi didn't seem to even know himself.

The only thing Kakashi thought he could say without doubt was that he was not Gay.

Kakashi knows himself very well in the sex department and he knows he is not Gay; however, there was just something about Iruka….

Kakashi was Iruka-Obsessed!

His days seemed to either brighten or darken depending on Iruka. If he could make Iruka blush then his day was a good one. If Iruka was absent then his day was a bad one.

His life, his thoughts, his moods, all revolved around Iruka.

Kakashi hasn't a clue what it is he feels for Umino. He just knows there is something that is always making him think about Iruka. Dark chocolate, chai tea, spices and sweetness, certain soaps and shampoos. Iruka's scents. The things that evoked a feeling of Iruka-ness.

It seemed fate was always putting them in each other's paths. They always hooked upthe Hokage tower, the chunin exams, the academy training courses, the day Iruka assigned team 7 to Kakashi. Yes, it seemed the road of life was trying to tell them something.

At first, the jounin wasn't overly concerned. Granted, the teacher had been on his mind a lot lately. Iruka used to be just background, just some one who faded in and out of his life without note. Iruka had seemed just a paper pusher who sat at a desk in the Hokage tower who took reports and filed them away.

Iruka was nothing special. A little on the plain side in the looks department, except he had nice hair which he did nothing with except wear in a no-nonsense pony tail, oh and Iruka had a sturdy body structure, well muscled, a little wide in parts, but sleek somehow and strong without seeming to show off.

Iruka was a powerhouse. If Iruka hit you, you felt it, he had perfect form which added to the strength and power of his blows and that's what made him a powerhouse.

Iruka was not a speed demon though he had lots of energy; he had to have to stay on top of the village kids and especially to keep up with someone like Naruto who could run a normal person into the ground with his boundless energy, thanks to the influx of fox Demon chakra and his own chakra.

Iruka was a little emotional perhaps, which did not in Kakashi opinion make for a good ninja. Yet, in the heat of battle Iruka was as controlled and perfect a killing machine as any other shinobi in the hidden leaf village.

But Iruka was also someone every one knew better than to play around with or to piss off.

Iruka had power in the Hokage tower. Iruka had the trust and respect of the Hokage. Iruka wielded power without seeming to realize that he had such powers and he wielded it pretty well and without a hunger for more power. Iruka lived to serve. He had no ambition to do otherwise. He was a loyal and true shinobi of the hidden leaf village.

From old reports and missions statements Iruka seemed to have a spark of genius when it came to analysis. He was not someone who panicked in a crisis. He was calm and collected. And he had an ability remarkably like that of a hunter ninja.

Iruka was one hell of a tracker. One example of his skill was the way he handled the kids of Konoha, especially the little kitsune prankster and his followers, Konohamaru and that bunch of pre-genin troublemakers, those kids could never get away from Iruka.

He knew where they were at all times and if by some weird happenstance they ended up out of his sight, he merely closed his eyes for a moment then as swift as a hound with a scent Iruka was off like a shot and moments later his rascals were caught again and treated to a little after class detention.

Kakashi smirked. He loved watching Iruka in action. After a long course of spying on Iruka, which included taking notes of friends, favorite places to be, favorite foods, and daily routines. Kakashi's growing admiration and respect for the chunin added to the other sensations developing in his erotic dreams and nature.

Kakashi even joined the teacher and Naruto for some casual meals on occasion when he felt it was safe to do so and would not raise any suspicion on their part at his behavior.

Sometimes he would just sit in a daze watching Iruka nibble on a chopstick, Iruka's eyes focused in some far away thought, Iruka's cute little frown of deep concentration, the delectable scar that ran from cheek to cheek and over the oddly cutest nose Kakashi had ever come to admire.

Yes, it was a large nose, a man's nose, and yet it was cute! With just enough imagination one could envision Iruka as a bottle nosed dolphin, the scar the bridge of the dolphin nose. Kakashi had to cross his legs at the lunch table and try to will the heat in his groin and the lengthening of his private parts to go away and stop distracting him from looking at Iruka.

Iruka and Naruto both were so oblivious to the desire that heated Kakashi's blood. He felt like a starving wolf, a wolf with an appetite for sweet tasty playful dolphin.

On missions at night when he was at his loneliest he would play back every encounter he had with Iruka. He would day dream of how those perfectly innocent encounters could have been with a nudge turned into something more exciting more erotic more passionate, a romp in the Ichiraku restroom or storage room, a romp in the Hokage tower in the filing room or janitor's closet, or perhaps in some dark alley on the route back to Iruka's apartment or sex in the teacher's lounge or on the teacher's desk or, any number of ways and places scenarios to fuck in.

He would burn with the need for Iruka in his dreams. He would feel as if unable to breathe until he'd seen Iruka again, safe in Konoha. This was more than obsession this was chemical, this was beyond anything he'd ever felt at any time in his life.

Why was it that Iruka affected him like this?

Kakashi was sick and Iruka was the cure. Or was Iruka the illness?

Kakashi was confused and terrified of where his thoughts and needs were taking him. He was not gay. He did not fuck men. Women, yes, yabetcha! But Men?! Hell no! It was disgusting, unthinkable! And yet, every time Iruka bent over, every time Iruka frowned or smiled, Kakashi was rapt, like a metal to a magnet he could not look away, could not pull away from Iruka. The need just grew and grew until Kakashi thought he would go more insane than he already was.

The desire and need was out of control, this obsession, whatever it was, was out of control. Yet Kakashi could not seem to fight it. He grew weaker and weaker as the need grew in him to have Iruka.

The only thing that seemed to calm his burning desire which became something he could look forward to when he came back from long missions, and even longer day dreams, was the stalking of Iruka Umino Sensei.

Seeing Iruka alive and interacting with the village, watching him in his daily routines did so much for Kakashi it eased the starvation he felt in his non-existent heart and brought him release of tension and release in his body.

It was pretty damned embarrassing cuming in his pants like a juvenile with his first orgasm.

Iruka was increasingly interesting and increasingly irritating. Kakashi could not want Iruka like _that_. It wasn't right. It was gross. It was not natural.

What would the village say if he had sex with Iruka? What would his fellow Jonin and Anbu say or do if they found out Hatake Kakashi was suddenly gay for Umino Iruka?

Hell, what would the Kunoichi do to Iruka?

What would those insane women do to Kakashi?

_No one had to find out._ Whispered his desires.

But still, what if they did find out?

Desire kept whispering. _No one will. No one need ever know what you and Iruka-sensei get up to, together in the privacy of a hotel room inthe guise of henge._

_You are Sharingan Hatake Kakashi; The Copy Cat ninja, Master of a Thousand Jutsu and a ninja without parallel. You are__ matchless. If you can't keep an affair quiet and hidden, then what kind of Ninja are you? Obviously not a worthy one!_

Despite his best efforts, Kakashi could not figure out just _why_ the man was so enthralling or even why Kakashi was willing to risk so much, just to have Iruka in his bed?

_One night._ Desire kept whispering. _One night is all you need. Who will find out if you just fuck him for one night? Just a one night stand. No one will ever know. No one will ever need to know about it. No one will find out about it. As long as it was a brief encounter, just one night._

_No one will ever know._

And yet, Kakashi knew better. He knew no matter how well a kept a secret, Secrets always got out. Ninja were god with secrets. Good at stealing them, good at figuring them out and unlocking them. Secret affairs always made it into the gossip circles. There was no such thing as "no one will ever know" and yet, Kakashi listened to his dark desires. He was enthralled, bespelled, caught in Iruka's web. He couldn't fight it any more. He was weakening.

Perhaps it was a little creepy that he was enthralled with Iruka to the point of stalking behavior and he knew that if the tempestuous chunin ever found out what Kakashi was doing, spying on him for nefarious and Itcha Itcha Plot driven reasons, Kakashi knew he'd be a dead Jonin and no matter how fast he ran or where he hid, Iruka would find him, and make him pay and pay and pay and pay and pay to the point he would beg Iruka just end it and slit his throat for him.

* * *

_Best not to get caught then_. He smirked. Giggling.

His little team of misfits looked on him with suspicion as he tried to give them an innocent look. Innocence was not something Kakashi was able to pull off. He hadn't been innocent in many, many, years, two decades to be exact.

"What did you do this time to Iruka-sensei?" demanded a gravelly voiced Naruto.

Kakshi's grin widened, sparkled even with his wickedness. They all would hear it soon enough. Kakashi hand signed a seal and popped out of his team's line of sight or hearing, in a show of wind and swirling leaves.

"I hate it when he does that." Complained Sakura.

"Me too." Agreed Naruto, eyes still narrowed, mind still on Kakashi-sensei's weird behavior. Instinct was right, he knew it from previous experiences, Kakashi had done something, had teased Iruka-sensei in some way again.

"It seems as if Kakashi-Sensei wants to be skinned alive." Observed Sasuke, emotionless as usual

His team mates merely nodded in agreement with him.

* * *

**Iruka**

He was good at his many different jobs and was very talented. He usually hid his abilities so he could continue as a Chunin and stay behind at the Academy to continue to teach the future Shinobi of Konoha. Plus he really loved his students and enjoyed teaching. He didn't view it as a waste of his talent to devote himself to the teaching arts. Iruka was a desk ninja as well as an academy teacher and an occasional active ninja, taking on some missions and on even rarer occasions Iruka was even a tracker ninja.

Iruka was a devoted, earnest, sincere individual who felt things strongly. He was passionate and oblivious at times, and a worrier. He worried constantly. Maybe he should look into some anti-anxiety medications or some sort of natural tea or something to help reduce his stress levels and worrying?

But right now his biggest worry was to get these reports filed. Surprisingly Kakashi was no where around the mission's desk. Iruka frowned. What was Kakashi up to now? He wondered a bit agitated. Kakashi was a severe case of odd and arrogance. Though, lately the Jonin had seemed to become a little more pleasant to be around. Why, they even shared dinner at Itchiraku's every now and again when Team 7 arrived back from their missions or after a hard day at practice.

When had Kakashi dropped of his report and where had Iruka been when Kakashi had done so? It was unusual for a report to just be sitting there on his desk instead of being handed directly to him. He checked it for any odd chakra seals or chakra traps or any sort of booby-trap, nothing it was clean.

Continuing to frown Iruka carefully opened the report and felt his frown grow even heavier with rising displeasure. Ah, another grafiti'd report from Kakashi.

Oh boy, he thought distainfully, another Itcha Itcha themed border around the report. He rolled his eyes and tried to control his rising temper. However it was as usual a futile cause, the temperature of Iruka's body rose and with it so did his anger.

Kakashi had used dolphins this time instead unlike the month before when Kakashi had used dogs instead of the usual stick figures.

Boiling point was rapidly coming on Iruka.

The Kama Sutra was less pornographic than Kakashi's drawings. The man was positively obscene! Iruka scowled darkly, flames burning in cheeks and eyes.

The missions room occupants watched breathless as Iruka let out a growl of fury. His anger level was at 52 and rising with every outraged moment. Steam was coming out his ears, a vein in his brow was throbbing, the report crumbled and was within seconds only the size of millimeters, scrap paper most resembling confetti which defied gravity and flew around Iruka with kinetic force before finally bursting into individual candle like flames and then into ash and then nothing at all.

Iruka was a blazing tower of fury as he screamed "KAKASHI"

The tower shook, the village trembled, Iruka outdid Naruto at his loudest. Jonin, Chunin, all witnesses cowered from Iruka the line swiftly made a detour to the other side of the room in an attempt to avoid the furious wild eyed chunin.

* * *

Kakashi smiled as his ears twitched and burned. Iruka never sounded more alluring. He thought has he continued to hide outside the Hokage tower and away from his passionate dolphin.

Kakashi was lucky that Iruka wasn't actively seeking him out otherwise he wouldn't have been able to hide from his furious obsession. Iruka was so scary he was just that good. Iruka had hunted him down once before for such a report having been handed in. Kakashi had been forced to rewrite it and without the sex-escapades/murals on the borders.

Iruka could really take the fun out of report writing.

He pouted.

But then his mind returned to the thoughts of earlier.

One night. One night is all you need.

Who will find out if you just fuck him for one night?

Just a one night stand.

No one will ever know. No one will find out about it.

Just a one night stand, a brief, a momentary, an insane, one night encounter.

Just one night.

Just one night.

It's all you need. You'll be able to get him finally out of your system and then you can move on to the next conquest with big boobs and a great ass.

* * *

**The Present**

Kakashi lamented the memory.

If only Kakashi had resisted then perhaps things would have gone differently for him and for Iruka.

Kakashi took another gulp of burning alcoholic beverage at his favorite Jonin bar. He fought back the tears that burned in his eyes. He didn't deserve to cry.

Like those people that try crack or some hard drug or alcohol or something else, out of curiosity or due entirely to peer pressure, and they tell themselves its just the one time what could it hurt? They shrug and take a hit and soon it rules their life.

Well it happened to Kakashi just like that as well.

It wasn't supposed to be long term. It wasn't supposed to be addicting. It was only supposed to be the one time, the one night, but it ended up lasting three months and even if they hadn't had sex since then it was still ruling Kakashi's life because Kakashi was in love with Iruka.

"Gods, how I messed it all up." He hissed. "Why didn't I stop myself?"

Poured another shot and downed it just as quickly as the first. He whipped away snot and tears.

"How did I get in so deep? When did it get this way, when did I fall for him? This can't be happening to me." He mumbled.

Poured another drink and downed it.

"This can't be real. I can't be in L…I just can't. I'm not built for it. But I do. I L…" Takes a deep breath.

Frustration built and overflowed. "Gods Dammit Hatake, just finally say it already!" he growled and punched his head a couple of times and pulled at his hair.

"Laaa…"

"Laa-vvv"

"Love."

"I Love Iruka."

"There!" he cried triumphantly. "I said it! Ha!"

He giggled then fell out of his chair unconscious on the dirty floor of the booze hang out for adults.

Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto sighed, scowled, then lifted up their drunken grieving nut-case of a sensei and shuffled him out of the adult zone and back to the hospital where they knew Kakashi wanted to be and wait for Iruka's recovery.

* * *

**Back to One Year & a Couple Weeks Before Their First Date...**

It wasn't easy to get from point A to point B then to First base, second base, third base and finally home run. Iruka was anything but easy.

_Oh no_.

Kakashi had to work hard to get Iruka to even bother to look at him even remotely as a possibility for a single date, let alone as a good enough possibility for a one night stand. However, Iruka didn't do one night anything!

Iruka was a very wholesome, very respectful and very respected Academy teacher. To be anything but wholesome would have ended up with Iruka being banned from teaching at the Academy. Iruka's very nature was anything but sexual. He was warm, caring, loving, but sex, nope, nothing.

Kakashi was a little worried about that. It wasn't natural for a man to hold it all in. Didn't Iruka know that if you didn't have sex, it fell off?

Kakashi should have known Iruka wasn't the type for one night stands or quick bang thank you sir type relationships. After all he had been the one stalking Iruka for a while. He knew what Iruka was made of, what moral fiber was sewn into Iruka's bones and what rules Iruka lived by.

Kakashi could not court Iruka openly no matter how much he wanted to. Kakashi was careful. He couldn't afford to let the shinobi populace let alone the civilian populace, know what he was up to in regards to his intentions towards Iruka-sensei.

Kakashi's patience was ready to snap from the full force of his desires that screamed at him to just go for it! Take him, claim him, fuck him on his desk in front of everyone in the Hokage Tower already! Force them to recognize he belongs to you. You've suffered and angsted over him enough already and by rights Iruka belonged to Kakashi, period.

Possessive much? He asked himself with a dark chuckle.

That chuckle died down as yet another male flirted with his Iruka. Jealousy flared as Iruka responded playfully back. But Iruka didn't seem to be serious in his response.

Kakashi knew Iruka was gay. He had to be. The guy never flirted with women and he never took them home to have sex with them and he never had sex with them in a bar or anywhere else for that matter.

Pakkun had sniffed around Iruka's home and the Academy countless times and even tracked Iruka for him and sniffed him over as nonchalantly as any mutt would then reported back to Kakashi every time.

"No, he hasn't been with anyone, female or male, but he does respond more commonly to men. Satisfied, pervert?" grumped Pakkun.

Pakkun felt it was waste of his time and talent to be a "Mate"-hound. "I shouldn't be sniffing around eligible males just to find you a possible mate."

"Its not males." Protested Kakashi. "I'm not homosexual." He defended. "Its just one person and his name is Iruka-sensei."

"Sure you're not." Said the pug, rolling his eyes, sarcastically.

Kakashi growled and fingered a kunai. Pakkun was so mouthy!

Pakkun lowered his head and let out a soft pitiful whine. Kakashi dismissed him with a wave of his hand.

Well at least he had his answer. He just had to work harder to get Iruka sensei to notice him.

More drawings on reports, maybe?

A coded message, perhaps?

The ideas seemed so childish and stupid. How was he going to get Iruka to take him seriously?

"Not that I want to date him." He murmured. "I just want to fuck him."

"And just for one night." He amended hastily.

Ah but plans have a way about them. Plans never work out the way you want them to. And Iruka really wasn't the one-night stand type of guy. Kakashi really should have known that as well with all of his experiences in the field of intimate relations and in the field of Ninja life and from all of his stalking of the Chunin Academy Sensei.

* * *

**TBC**

* * *

I thought I would be exploring more of those three months in this chapter but I guess not, I've decided to put that in the next chapter along with the break up and hopefully get on to the illness affecting Iruka.

also the rating will be changing from T to M, in the next chapter.

Look for Chapter Six… coming eventually, it's in the works! :D


	6. Ch 6: A Scarecrow & A Dolphin prt2

Title: MEANING  
Author: Jazzy  
Pairing: Iruka/Kakashi  
Rating: T

**SUMMARY: **It was supposed to be a one night stand. How was Kakashi to know that Iruka wouldn't be able to understand that? Kakashi finds that when something that was supposed to mean nothing suddenly became to mean everything to him. Iruka has meaning.

**WARNINGS:** Possible Humor, Definite Angst, darkness, drama, adventure, romance, m/m, slash, Yaoi, emotional hurts, hurt/comfort. Not Beta'd.

word count: _3,718_

**

* * *

**

Chapter Six

Subtitle: _**A Dolphin & A Scarecrow, part 2**_.

**_THE PAST_**

It was strange how often Iruka bumped into Kakashi during shopping trips or simple walks in the park or on his speedy way into work. Even Naruto was rather suspicious of the unusual behavior of his Jonin instructor on the few occasions that Naruto and Iruka went shopping together or spent time together in the village during and between team 7 training and assignments, including time at the much loved and greatly appreciated Ichiraku Ramen Stand.

"I didn't think Kakashi-Sensei liked Ramen." Muttered Naruto with a narrowed sharp blue eye.

Kakashi didn't bother to answer. He tried to ignore his little soldier and pretend not to notice how cute Iruka looked while slurping his ramen.

"Who doesn't like ramen?" asked Iruka half teasing.

Naruto grinned. "My sentiments exactly!" he roared. Then he took a moment to think hard. Then he began to whine. "But Sasuke-bastard doesn't like it and Sakura-hime doesn't like that I eat it all the time, and Kakashi-Sensei seems to side with those two all the time against me." Now Naruto scowled darkly and shot his Jonin teacher a foul glare.

Iruka laughed then hugged his little foster brother. "Poor Naruto so under appreciated."

Naruto blushed. "Well I am. No one appreciated me at all except you, Iruka-Sensei."

Iruka took a moment to be serious once more with his little brother. He soberly thought on the problems Naruto seemed to be alluding to with his usual loud and plain spoken ways.

"Naru-chan, just keep trying, that's all you can do, and perhaps one day they will."

"But when?" asked Naruto, pouting.

"Some day." Assured Iruka, smiling warmly and giving Naruto another hug.

* * *

Kakashi watched unobtrusively behind his pervert novel. His heart ached and he wished it was himself that Iruka was hugging like that, lovingly and nurturing.

Kakashi frowned at himself.

Why should he be jealous that Iruka was hugging someone else? It wasn't as if he was in love with the little dolphin man. There was just something about Iruka that had grabbed his attention. That was all.

Iruka smelled of spice, vanilla, jasmine tea, chalk and kids. Yes, kids had a smell, some of it pleasant, some of it not so pleasant, like strawberries and cream or baby powder and milk, or dirt and grass and earthy things. (You decide what's a pleasant scent and what's not) from time to time Iruka smelled of coffee, nutmeg, gingerbread, and mint. Kakashi had yet to get tired of how Iruka smelled.

Iruka's scent was never unpleasant not even when he was drenched in sweat from a hard day at the academy. Kakashi quickly crossed his legs as an involuntary twitch began in his privates. Warmth pooled in his stomach and lower. Iruka was constantly doing that to him!

He continued to study the picture before him as well as the verbalized concerns of his little soldier. Allowing the heat to mellow and cool as he put his mind to work to figure out his own short comings in regards to his little team of soldiers in training.

Naruto really wasn't all that bad. Annoying, loud, a little on the dim side at times brilliant at other times, but he had a great heart and admirable loyalty. Perhaps it was time Kakashi started to point those qualities out to the little guy?

It wasn't like Kakashi didn't know already that he was a bad teacher. He was socially inept. He was verbally clumsy and unable to communicate with his little team. Kakashi was not half as gifted as Iruka was in the teaching arts. Iruka had a gift that Kakashi lacked and besides Kakashi really didn't like to teach.

He was a Jonin. He was an assassin, an information gatherer, and an x-Anbu operative. He hadn't any friends and hadn't had a team since he was a chunin. He was a solo operative and he preferred it that way. He was satisfied with serving his Hokage and the village as a ninja and not as a teacher.

Kakashi had no clue how to coddle his little soldiers and in reality he probably shouldn't because as they grew older and more bogged down in the ways of the ninja they would soon be introduced to things that children and coddled people should never be witness to. The horrors of war were called horrors for a reason.

He was torn. This could be a very good excuse to get to know and bother Iruka some more. And yet if he used this excuse and didn't employ it a little blonde rat with giant blue eyes and a loud mouth would complain to Iruka and then the jig would be up.

Kakashi sighed. He needed to think of something. Kakashi couldn't just continue in this way, following Iruka around and "accidentally" bumping into him all the time. Even an oblivious chunin like Iruka would notice and was probably even now waking up to the reality of it, that these accidents were not accidents but intentional and for reasons other than friendly acquaintance purposes.

Unless Kakashi wanted to make a confession very soon and well before he felt it was time to do so, he better think of something soon. These "accidental" meetings couldn't continue, at least not for much longer. Iruka was finally waking up to the suspicion of it all, Kakashi was certain of that since the last market meeting when Kakashi had been empty handed and offered to help Iruka with his groceries.

* * *

Despite what many people believed of Iruka. Iruka was not as oblivious as his peers liked to think him to be. The way he had grown up, the many things he had to face on his own, with little to no assistance in his life, didn't leave him any options for being truly naïve or truly oblivious.

Yes, Iruka liked to look on the better nature of his peers and his village. Iruka was an idealist and a bit of a philosopher. He believed in the creed of his village. He believed that in spite of the darkness in most shinobi's hearts there was more light than shadow and that at heart everyone was a good person.

Iruka was at first suspicious even distrustful of Hatake's motives. But after the last few "accidental" meetings, Iruka had come to the point where he felt rather flattered, even if his pre-genin had better skills and stealth, than a grown Jonin in the art of seeking out friendship.

His self esteem couldn't believe that Kakashi would even be remotely interested in someone like Iruka. He fought every idea and discarded it as ludicrous. There was no way that someone like Kakashi would be interested in Iruka. It just couldn't be possible.

Sure in his youth he'd been wild but now that he was older, he was plain and boring. No one even bothered to ask him out to the bars around town any more because Iruka didn't do the bar scene and after one too many "no thank you" they'd given up on him a long time ago.

Iruka didn't do fun. He did his duties. He taught kids, devoted himself to his kids, devoted himself to the Hokage and to the missions desk. Iruka didn't have time for fun. He was too busy being serious with his life.

He knew he would eventually find a wife through some matchmaker and settle down in his later years, all typical, boring, average shinobi or civilian stuff. That was who Iruka was now days. Average. Boring. He was a sensei and mentor first, a shinobi second, a desk ninja thirdly, a friend last.

Iruka was not destined to do greatness or be like Kakashi or those special Jonin and Anbu operatives. He was average and he liked that just fine. He knew better than to dream for something more and he was fine with that as well.

A life as an orphan taught him to be practical and accepting of his fate and frankly he liked his job as Sensei and he couldn't think of anything more satisfying really. So he was fine with his place in life and didn't think to strive above it.

It wasn't possible that there could ever be anything between Kakashi and him. Iruka was average. Kakashi was brilliant. Two completely different people, the opposite of each other, could not possibly ever become best friends. The ordeal with Mizuki had taught him that much at least.

Mizuki had been brilliant and gifted. He had used Iruka for a bad end and had nearly killed Iruka when they had at last come to blows. Iruka had been outclassed. If it hadn't been for Naruto there was no doubt that Iruka would have been dead by now.

Friends like Mizuki, people like Kakashi and people like Iruka just were not meant to be, and that was just the way it was.

* * *

It was starting to grate on his nerves how Kakashi was playing with him. Kakashi's reports were as eccentric as ever only more so lately. There was not a single report that did not now elicit a blush response from Iruka, whether that response was deep embarrassment or rage was hard to say unless Iruka were to blow his top. People walked lightly around Iruka after a Hatake report was delivered, late and obscene.

Iruka was flabbergasted and horrified. The recent reports had graphics of scarecrows and dolphins chasing each other in the borders. But those pictures were tame compared to the next round of hieroglyphics depicting scarecrows and dolphins doing the dirty, and if it wasn't scarecrows and dolphins then it was little stick men, one with a pony tail and one stick figure with shaggy stand on end hair on their heads.

It was too much to bear and Iruka almost fell from his chair when his brain leaped to that awesome horrifying, and correct conclusion. Iruka had no longer a choice to ignore what all the signs were telling him.

Iruka had to come to the correct conclusion. A conclusion Iruka still didn't want to believe. Kakashi was asking him to become his lover!

Iruka trembled.

Kakashi was lax, lazy, annoying and trouble! Kakashi took very little very seriously. Kakashi treated team seven abominably! Kakashi was a play boy. Kakashi was straight!

Kakashi couldn't possibly be asking what Iruka thought he was. There was just no possible way.

**No way!**

Hatake Kakashi, that formidable ninja, the famous copy ninja, the sharingan eyed Kakashi of a thousand jutsus, could not possibly be interested in dull, boring, average, Umino Iruka-Sensei.

_Every one knew that Kakashi was straight._

Hatake had to up to something. Hatake had to be testing him for some reason or else playing with his feelings like the uncaring selfish, self absorbed jerk that he was.

Iruka refused to be played with. Iruka refused to fall into his trap, whatever it was.

He tore the report into a thousand little bits turning it into confetti, as he had done previously with other unacceptable reports. Eyes blazing, Iruka blew his stack. Shinobi cowered and ran from the furious chunin. The Hokage dove under his desk, the Anbu quickly put on the "Gone to Lunch" sign on the door.

Iruka thundered out of the Hokage tower in search of that scheming evil jonin to demand that he leave him alone and to do his report properly or else he'd make him pay!

Iruka still had enough imp in him left to make anyone's life a living hell if he was crossed and friends and not so close friends and those who had been on the wrong side of Iruka knew that quirk of his very well.

* * *

Practicing his drawing arts while his little team were at it again in the brawling and beating one another to a pulp action, Kakashi sighed and day dreamed about a twinkle eyed coquettish Iruka tempting him to follow him in a game of chase between lovers. He drew Iruka cherubic style, in very little but wings, clouds, and a scant little loin cloth that barely covered the curvy luscious behind. He put a little halo over his dark hair. Kakashi smirked.

His Kakashi cherub was devil tailed and devil horned with a look of the wolf hunting its mate. Kakashi smiled at the picture then quickly, paranoid, hid it inside of his Itcha Itcha and away from any prying eyes. He didn't want people to know he was in lust with the male chunin. People wouldn't understand his growing addiction and fascination with the tempting and tempestuous chunin. Kakashi couldn't let people know he wanted Iruka. It would ruin his reputation.

He remembered a couple of incidents from his youth and all the teasing he'd witnessed when others thought kids were acting "gay". They were chastised. They were humiliated. People jeered at them, beat them up, harassed them and treated them like scum, even worse than a missing ninja or a ninja who abandoned their team mates!

Ninja who were found to be gay were thought to be pedophiles and have terrible character, and no loyalty and disease riddled. Shinobi that were gay were usually led to their deaths on suicide missions to regain their "honor".

If you were found to be gay, bad things happened. The village would shun you or attack you. Being gay was a crime! Or at least it felt like it was one, even though it wasn't, at least not in these more recent days when the village was thriving.

The third was making changes in the laws and changes in the way gay shinobi were viewed. The third had explained as long as shinobi do their duty to the village and treat their allies and fellows with the respect and care that was expected of them then what happened behind closed doors was no one's business but their own.

Social change was slow but grudgingly being gay was starting to be accepted. Regardless if found gay, there were still troubles that could come into a shinobi's life. It was still dangerous to be found to be gay. Maybe not deadly consequences but one could find themselves suddenly lacking friends or partners or team mates for missions, you became a social outcast.

Well, Kakashi really didn't have to worry about becoming a social outcast; he wasn't very social to begin with but someone like Iruka? He couldn't do that to Iruka.

He couldn't let a life style like this rob Iruka of his career with the children. Iruka was a sensei first, everybody knew that. Iruka was someone to respect, and Iruka respected others in return.

And yet, there was just something about Umino that fascinated, intrigued and addicted Kakashi. Perhaps it was Iruka's pony tail? Or the warmth like chocolate and amber that Iruka gave off? Maybe it was something like Iruka's smile that captivated him or Iruka's laughter or Iruka's quick temper or Iruka's bravery or Iruka's fearless nature? Perhaps it was that there was nothing at all easy about Iruka? Perhaps it was just that alone that captivated Kakashi the most? Iruka was a challenge. Iruka was stubborn and willful, loyal and smart, and funny and proud.

Iruka reminded him more of Samurai then of ninja. Ninja didn't have much in the way of honor, they couldn't afford it, there were moral codes and village codes but when in the line of duty a shinobi, a ninja, used all that he can to succeed in his mission, there was no room for things like honor when it came to assassination and information gathering.

Iruka though was everything honorable, good, and upstanding. Iruka incorporated the ideals that made him and the future shinobi of this village so special. Iruka could never be tarnished. Iruka would never be defeated. He was nature incarnate.

Whatever it was Kakashi was captured and enthralled by everything that Iruka was and stood for.

* * *

Iruka was nature alright, he was wrath, he was a tornado, he was an earthquake, he was the storm that destroyed and remade all that was in his path, and right now Kakashi was in his sights, on his path and on his list!

Kakashi recognized the stubborn set of Iruka's jaw. He saw the fire that raged unquenched in his eyes, Kakashi looked all around him and noted that yes, Iruka was staring right at him with that look on his face.

Maybe that last report had been a little too much? Perhaps it had even been the straw, as it were, that broke the camel's back?

The genin had made themselves scarce they too were familiar with that hell bent cast to Iruka's face, mostly Naruto was most familiar with it. Naruto gave Kakashi one look of pity before he scampered for the safety of Ichiraku ramen, only Naruto would think Ramen would save him from something like Iruka's wrath. Kakashi would have laughed but for the sudden pain his ears were in.

Yes, it was the sensei grip of agony, the ear torture no jutsu!

It was every parent and every sensei's favorite technique. There was not a single person who had not at one time or another experienced the pain of pinched ears. Kakashi whimpered.

"You." Growled Iruka. "Are coming with me."

Against his will Kakashi's brain conjured pervy thoughts straight from Itcha Itcha volume 9 Sexy Sensei Bad Students Get Punished, special edition!

Would he be paddled?

Would he get detention?

Would Sensei strip him naked and throw him over his desk to have his naughty wicked way with him?

Inner fan boy squealed. Kakashi's nose promptly bled a gusher and he fainted dead away. But it was not enough to keep Iruka from dragging his worthless butte all the way back to Hokage tower.

Iruka grumbling all the way to the tower about "worthlessness", "embarrassment", "not going to forgive you this time", and "you are so going to learn not to mess with me!" and etc.

Iruka was covered in blood and with Kakashi knocked out being dragged by his ears shinobi winced in sympathy for the copy ninja and pitied his fate. Iruka must have gotten a lucky shot in. Iruka's power was all about being under estimated. Those that knew better knew never to under estimate the determined and stubborn ocean named sensei.

Once he came awake Kakashi was drafted to do filing and then he would of course have to rewrite his report and the Hokage was leaving Kakashi's punishment all in Iruka's capable hands. The Hokage smoked his pipe and laughed all the way out of the tower his grandson gazing suspiciously on the silver haired ninja in trouble with Iruka sensei.

* * *

Filing was boring and tedious. Kakashi was slow. He had some clue of the alphabet and how things were filed but he hadn't any experience with such tedious work. There were hundreds of filing cabinets and thousands upon thousands, no hundreds of thousands of documents that were filed within those cabinets, and he, Kakashi, was now filing at least some one or two percent of those millions of documents, all with a glaring Chunin Sensei on his case.

Kakashi kept throwing Iruka puppy dog looks and pouts that had no business adorning his hidden masked face. This was not what he had imagined when Iruka had sensei-gripped him. He had been really, really, hopeful for a down and dirty quickie.

Iruka though was not moved or so it looked from the outside. Kakashi looked really, really, pained, even repentant. Iruka almost crumbled. He was not someone who held a grudge. He was quick to anger and just as quick to forgive. He was a lot like Naruto in temperament that way. But he had to hold strong. Kakashi had to learn he couldn't get away with pulling that crap on him. He was fed up with it.

Kakashi finally finished two hours after Iruka's shift was over but Iruka had stayed with him every eagle eyed moment to make sure Kakashi finished the chores he'd been assigned to make amends to the humiliated chunin.

"Now for your report Kakashi-san." Insisted Iruka stubbornly.

Kakashi sighed. Then a bright idea popped into his bored mind.

Kakashi's sudden smile was almost contagious but Iruka stomped down on the unconscious curve of his lips. He was not going to show Kakashi a pleased look not one look until Kakashi had turned in a clean report!

"Maa, Iruka-sensei, I was wondering if I might ask you to join me for a cup of coffee at the Caffeinated ninja café? I need some coffee, if I am going to write that report that you want from me."

Iruka's eyes narrowed suspiciously but thinking about the Caffeinated Ninja Café made his mouth water. Gourmet coffee, delicious treats, cakes, sandwiches, soups, salads, sushi and onigiri to die for as well as the most tasty sticky buns and hom-bow made with choices of azuki bean paste or barbeque pork. Feeling his stomach gurgle with hunger Iruka made a swift executive decision.

"Fine, but no funny business!" he snapped.

Kakashi smiled sweetly. One could almost call the look on his face innocent but for the fact that the Copy Ninja had not ever been innocent not even as a child. Too bad Iruka didn't seem to know that.

* * *

**TBC - ****Chapter Seven in the works, more dating to come, and a mature content statement and change of rating! LOL**

* * *

I have outlined Meaning to almost 12 chapters for the moment. I hope to eventually meet my personal goal of 20 chapters.

_Stuck in Darkness final two chapters still in the works. Fragile Doll in the works and being posted at AFF. Champions in the works, being rewritten…. Iruka Marries in the works… Not Strong Enough in the works… Story Updates posted now on my live journal as well as dvd recommendations and E-book store recs. :D_

**I'm not sure that I totally liked everything in this chapter but I felt compelled to update.  
_Please feel free to review. I love hearing from you! :D_**


	7. Ch 7: A Scarecrow & A Dolphin prt3

Thank you to my loyal readers! You guys rock!

see1like , Serenityofthematrix , KakashiXIrukaLover , reeby10 , ReixGaara , animefreak03 , Rohain Tahquil , Ryu Earth , Sonar , Ladolcemorte , XimeB , Koi Musouka , beyondthecrystalsea , corybee loveslavender , Durgas Dragon , shiguresohma7, kamiam714

* * *

Title: MEANING  
Author: Jazzy  
Pairing: Iruka/Kakashi  
**Rating: M**

**SUMMARY: **It was supposed to be a one night stand. How was Kakashi to know that Iruka wouldn't be able to understand that? Kakashi finds that when something that was supposed to mean nothing suddenly became to mean everything to him. Iruka has meaning.

**WARNINGS:** Possible Humor, Definite Angst, darkness, drama, adventure, romance, m/m, slash, Yaoi, emotional hurts, hurt/comfort. Not Beta'd.

* * *

**WARNINGS**

**WARNINGS**

**Rating: M**

**WARNINGS**

**WARNINGS**

**At last Pervert-Alert! Iruka and Kakashi have Sex in this Chapter! **

**Eeeeeek!**

* * *

**_I managed to type this out pretty quickly. I apologize in advance if some of it seems crappy. _**

word count_: **4,312**_

* * *

**Chapter Seven**

Subtitle: _**A Scarecrow & A Dolphin, part 3 - **_**THE PAST**

**_The Caffeinated Ninja! -_**Gourmet sweets & Coffee (sort of on the spendy side of cafes)

Iruka was practically bouncing as they entered the expensive but wonderful coffee shop. Iruka didn't come in often because he rarely could afford such spendy treats. Which is why Kakashi was buying! Kakashi actually offered! Surprise, surprise, maybe there was a gentleman under that masked façade of his?

Kakashi got down to business and actually wrote up a clean report in between bouts of finding mutual things of interest to discuss, between bites of food and sips of coffee. Iruka felt relaxed and even began to enjoy his time with Kakashi by the end of the night, three hours spent specifically at the Caffeinated Ninja, Iruka and Kakashi were at last on the road to becoming friends.

"Shall we meet here tomorrow after your shift at the tower?" asked Kakashi pleasantly.

Iruka blinked. "Well, I uh, that is to say…"

"My treat." Insisted Kakashi.

"Why?"

"I enjoy your company." Replied Kakashi truthfully. "And I have the money to burn." He smiled charmingly.

Iruka blushed, scratched the cute little scar that decorated his nose and cheeks. Iruka was very bashful. Kakashi found this to be a very endearing quality to Iruka.

"Well, I suppose, I mean, if you insist. I mean, I liked your company as well." Iruka stumbled over his words and blushed harder. He hoped a hole in the ground would swallow him up and cool down this hot blush of his, he felt like his cheeks were going to burn right off!

Kakashi chuckled, then murmured, just for Iruka's ears alone. "So cute." Then he jutsued out of the coffee shop and away from Iruka's sudden irate expression and the smack that he deserved for his teasing.

* * *

The coffee shop very quickly became Kakashi and Iruka's hang out. Iruka would use the gift card Kakashi had given him whenever Kakashi wasn't around to pay for the coffee and treats himself.

_Kakashi is spoiling me rotten with these gift cards. This place is almost a vacation for me. I'm becoming very addicted to this place. I don't know if that is such a good thing._

Iruka would go there some mornings and some evenings, at first once a week then as time went by three or four times a week, twice and three times a day. Iruka realized quite quickly that he was very addicted to the shop.

The staff recognized him on sight and even knew exactly what coffee or teas he liked, even what treats he liked. They asked often about his friend and his work. Iruka felt appreciated for lack of a better term every time he went to the Caffeinated Ninja Coffee Shop & Café.

Iruka curled up on one of the comfy over stuffed chairs, taking his time to grade his students papers in between day dreams and sips of satisfying and heated sweet chocolate beverage goodness. Kakashi was away on a mission and Iruka realized he missed the man.

They weren't really dating. They were just friends. Okay so they met a lot at the coffee shop and they talked and laughed a lot and Iruka could not deny that he felt a certain growing warmth when it came to Kakashi. But they were just friends.

Iruka would not dare try to think otherwise. He was not going to jeopardize their growing friendship for a momentary weakness.

Iruka was gay. He didn't try to hide it but he didn't advertise it either. He was discreet and made sure his students and their parents were in the dark on his proclivities and preferences.

In spite of all the changes the Hokage was encouraging to take place it was still not a good idea to live too openly as a gay man. A gay man can still lose his job as a teacher if it was made well known in the community that he was gay. However if anyone ever asked Iruka if he was gay or not, he would not deny who he was, he would tell them plainly, "Yes, I am gay". Then deal with the fall out if it happened.

For Iruka, more often then not, people just accepted it or tried to talk him out of his "life choice". But for the most part they were still his friends, maybe with a little more distance until they got over the surprise of his confession but still his friends.

For Iruka it had never been a choice. He had always been and would always be gay. Just as most men and women who had been born straight would always be straight. And those that were bisexual or having a sexual identity issue, well, Iruka hadn't yet formed an opinion on that. He supposed for those types of people, it was a matter of choice and not a matter of being born one way or the other – born straight or gay.

Iruka soon in spite of his coffee buzz found his eyes were having a hard time staying awake. He had been working very hard this week along with super worrying over team seven and their current mission, a rather higher ranked mission than a C.

The staff closed up, shook their heads at the exhausted ninja but knew that their shop would be safe with a ninja present. Besides, Iruka was very cute when he was sleeping.

* * *

Kakashi came lately into Konohagure, team seven had already gone their respective homes but Kakashi for some reason had a sudden craving to go to the Caffeinated Ninja. He figured they were closed for the evening nearly three in the morning. He figured he'd camp outside their door until five when they opened and treat himself to some of that wonderful coffee of theirs before he retired to his home for the rest of the day. His report would be late as usual but what was new about that. He shrugged.

He looked into the window and his breath caught in his chest. His heart beat painfully. There was his little dolphin all snuggled and cute, like some sleeping beauty in the storefront window.

_Poor guy, must have been worrying himself sick again._ Kakashi frowned at that. He didn't like how Iruka worried himself sick all the time. Iruka needed to worry less and have fun more.

It was time to move on to the next stage in their dating. Well first he had to make Iruka understand that they were indeed dating. Iruka right now was stubbornly insisting that they only had a friendship going on, but Kakashi wanted, desired, needed more.

He wanted a night in Iruka's bed.

* * *

**- Lunch - Lunch Every day! **

Kakashi smiled on his little list of mostly check marked activities that he and Iruka often did together. Yes, it wouldn't be long now before he would finally have that night in Iruka's bed. Kakashi was very sure of himself.

They had been meeting often for lunch and for coffee at the Caffeinated Ninja or at Ichiraku Ramen Stand, or picnics in the park. Just the two of them, together, eating and talking, laughing, but no physical intimacies, only a growing sensation of friendship and a possibility of so much more.

Iruka just needed a little more assurance. Kakashi didn't mind the chase. Iruka was worth it. And soon, very soon, Kakashi's desire would be met with Iruka's own desires. Kakashi could tell.

Iruka's smiles told him so.

* * *

– **Movie and Dinner - Every Friday night!**

Iruka was not certain if it was a good thing for the two of them to be seen going to the movies, every Friday night. Also their tastes in film were as opposites as their personalities. Each would choose a different film then they would eventually settle for which film by the tossing of a coin and leaving it up to lady luck.

Saturday mornings, every Saturday morning after movie night! They slept over at one or the other's house, depending on which theater the film was playing at and the host would make breakfast. Iruka by far was the superior cook in this arrangement. Kakashi had never felt more content. Iruka had never felt more confused!

It was becoming as much of a habit as lunch time with Kakashi and breakfast with Kakashi at the Caffeinated Ninja. Things were progressing well for them. Kakashi smiled often. Iruka was on cloud nine all the time. And yet, Iruka still seemed to refuse calling what they were doing dating.

Kakashi would gladly love to live in denial land as Iruka did but he was on a mission.

Mission: Iruka's Bed.

Iruka was not a cheap ho. He had to be whined and dined and woooed. Yes, wooed! Iruka was special. Iruka was classy. If Iruka were a woman, Kakashi would go so far as to say that Iruka was the marrying kind, and you treated those kinds with a lot of respect and care.

Especially if you wanted to get laid.

* * *

**A Picnic interrupted by missing ninja!**

Being on a picnic with Iruka was a dream come true for Kakashi, like fantasy number 23 from Itcha Itcha volume two in the Paradise arc. Iruka and he were having fun, sipping chilled wine and eating a hand made packed basket from the Caffeinated Ninja, with all of Iruka's favorites and a few of Kakashi's favorite dishes. The atmosphere was warm and cozy.

They were inching ever closer and closer to one another, taking any excuse to brush up against one another or touch hands. Iruka's eyes would hold onto Kakashi's eyes before scurrying to the side and his rosy cheeks would become ever more enflamed. All was going according to plan.

And finally, Yes! Finally, first base!

Kakashi was beyond excited. He was beyond floating in heaven. Iruka had kissed him! Okay it was more of a peck on the cheek but still it was progress. And Iruka had even held his hands.

Held… his… hands! Squeeeeeeeeel. Kakashi wasn't sure he liked being an adolescent little girl or such a fan boy of Iruka's, and yet he couldn't help but feel extremely excited whenever Iruka touched him, especialyl holding his hands!

Then evil ninja came and crashed his party and his romantic mood and a possibility of a little more nookie went out the window.

How dare they ruin his date with Iruka! Kakashi throttled them. He didn't bother to hold back. They had upset Iruka. They had sneered at them and made fun of him and Iruka. They had hurt his Ruru-kun's feelings! They were going to pay.

Iruka held his own in the fight but the mood was over. Kakashi tied up the bastards handed them in to Anbu, shared his reward money with Iruka then went home to pout the night away.

Dammit! He'd been so close, so damned close! The frustration was killing him.

Kakashi should have throttled those ninja again just to take the edge off. But Ibiki wasn't going to let him. Ibiki was selfish that way some times. Ibiki enjoyed his job just a little too much and he didn't like to share.

Kakashi pouted and pouted.

Another lonely night, another night with just his pillow, sprayed with all the scents that made up Iruka, even discarded Iruka hairs from a hair brush were sewn into the coverlet so it would always smell of Iruka.

Kakashi sniffed and sniffed his Iruka-stand in pillow, and moaned. Kakashi was soon writhing in desire, and heat. His hips began to move against his will, rubbing and thrusting against the pillow driving his fuelled imagination into erotic torment and finally driving his arousal over the edge and into unsatisfying lonely orgasm.

Kakashi sighed, changed his underpants and sweat pants then crawled back into bed, unhappy.

This was deep, deep, lust he was feeling for Iruka. He had never had so many lonely orgasms in his life. He'd always been able to go out and find some woman or some high class prostitute to satisfy him before. The Madam's house was a particular favorite nightly place of his but since his lust had set sights on Iruka no one and nothing seemed to satisfy him.

He had to have Iruka.

He needed Iruka.

He wanted Iruka!

* * *

**First Base at last! - Kissing and hand holding.**

A week since the picnic disaster found Iruka and Kakashi's growing relationship strained. Iruka was reluctant to go any further with Kakashi. It was as if he had taken the attack from the picnic as a sign that they were not meant to be together. Well, Kakashi could agree with that sure, it wasn't as if he wanted a long term relationship with Iruka, just a night in his bed!

Kakashi was frustrated with how stubborn Iruka could be. It had taken a lot of effort and persuasion to finally get Iruka to go out with him again and even then to acknowledge and accept that they were dating.

"Are you sure you want this Kakashi?" asked Iruka, uncertain.

"Yes." Insisted Kakashi. I've never wanted anyone as much as I want you.

Iruka smiled at Kakashi in such a way that Kakashi thought his heart would explode from the massive growth of emotion that swelled in his breast.

"all right. I believe you." Iruka kept smiling at Kakashi, hand carefully gripping Kakashi's, clasping hands, holding hands as they walked down lover's path, hidden from prying eyes and suspicious minds.

The night was beautiful. The moon was a perfect oval, round and full and lighted the way through the quiet peaceful night in the hidden lover's path they were currently walking. They were holding hands and stoking the heat between them. Iruka's eyes burned with desire as did Kakashi's.

Kakashi knew tonight was it, tonight at last they were going to do _**it**_. Of course Kakashi didn't usually count his chickens before they were hatched but tonight he felt very optimistic. Iruka was giving him all the signs. They were holding hands. They found secluded places to lean into one another and kiss and grope. The last two months of courting Iruka was worth this moment. All the months previously of all the stalking he had done of Iruka had finally paid off.

There was no way that Hatake Kakashi was not going to get laid by one, Umino Iruka Sensei.

Iruka felt good in his arms. His skin tasted better than caramel and chocolate or jasmine tea with honey. Iruka's sounds felt good in his ears and made his skin tingle. He rubbed against Iruka, desire burning ever more hotly as Iruka met each thrust with barely concealed desires of his own.

They were panting and groping one another in desperate heavy hot embraces, first Iruka was backed up against a tree and then Kakashi was up against that same tree with Iruka doing things, magic things with his tongue in Kakashi's mouth. It was hours later but felt mostly like moments later that Iruka suddenly pushed Kakashi off of him and with an apologetic smile said. "Gotta go. Classes in the morning as well as an early shift in the Hokage Tower. If I get to bed in five minutes I can have three hours sleep. I'll see you early tonight."

Kakashi felt cheated.

Iruka had been such a tease.

Kakashi pouted but nodded that yes, he would see Iruka afterward, early.

Iruka kissed Kakashi's lips then landed a warm quick nibble to Kakashi's nose. They reluctantly parted from each other and with a hasty wave good bye Iruka then teleported out of the lover's lane walkway and out of Kakashi's arms.

* * *

**People started noticing.**

Naruto and Crew were getting suspicious. Iruka was often seen with Kakashi lately. Iruka meets Kakashi at the bridge most times, just to hang out and watch team 7. Kakashi seemed to be showing off for Iruka most times. Kakashi even seemed to go so far as to pretend to actually take an interest in each of them individually and as a group when Iruka was around.

Summons were seen, a cat and a dog, and the trading of notes. Love notes! How cheesy was that! The cat was smirking the dog was grumbling about the stupidity of so-called geniuses.

Naruto felt like he'd been toppled onto his ear and life had turned upside down for him. He kept telling himself he had to be seeing things. His mind had to be playing tricks with him. The fox demon inside of him laughed at his willfulness and teased him mercilessly.

"Oh yeah, that Kakashi and sweet little Iruka were definitely doing the deed." Insisted the stupid fox demon.

Naruto covered his ears as if he could not hear Kyuubi if he did such a childish and useless thing, since Kyuubi was inside his mind rather than in his ears, he could not tune out the old fox or his teasing observations.

"Come one Kit. Be reasonable. Iruka-sensei is an adult after all. He needs someone to love. Kakashi is a strong mate. He could have done much, much, worse, like that Mizuki character. Remember him, the one that put a giant shuriken in Iruka's back?"

"Shut up!" screamed Naruto. "I aint listening to this. I aint listening. Nope, no way, nya-uh! Shut up shut up shut up!" Naruto chanted, ears hidden under hands pressed tightly to his head. His big blue eyes were closed and his foot stomped the ground until a hole appeared. Naruto jumped into the hole and curled up into a little ball, whimpering.

Sasuke blinked and frowned, a strange look came into his eyes, one could almost call it fear as he inched towards Sakura. Sakura too inched towards Sasuke, worried that Naruto was finally losing the battle to the fox demon inside of him.

In a less than sneaky and of a more coordinated manner, Iruka and Kakashi were constantly bumping into each other in town. Naruto didn't like it. Kakashi was less not someone who deserved someone as good and caring as Iruka-sensei. Kakashi was a cold bastard. How could Kakashi be taking advantage of Iruka-sensei?

There was no way that Iruka could be dating Kakashi and yet, they were always together now days, walking side by side, even holding hands discreetly hidden under the Ichiraku Ramen shop counter or table. They were always spotted together at the Caffeinated Ninja Coffee Shop too.

* * *

**People started noticing.**

Grown ups and fellow genin were gossiping about the odd couple. Women were starting to show signs of upset. Men were frowning at Iruka and watching Kakashi with more than usual suspicion.

Team seven was worried. What did all of this mean? Were Iruka and Kakashi gay? Were they dating? Was that even allowed? They were men. How could they be attracted to one another?

It was hard to understand. Sasuke and Naruto were both having a hard time accepting it. Being gay was just wrong. Everybody said so. Well if Naruto thought on it, Iruka had never said it was wrong.

But then again, Naruto had known all along his big brother wasn't normal. No one normal could have ever liked Naruto or put up with him the way Iruka had through the years. Besides, Naruto had accepted Iruka's homosexuality a long time ago. He just never wanted to see his "father" figure with a man, let alone a lazy and mean Jonin like Kakashi-sensei.

Naruto wanted to break them up. Iruka was his sensei, his brother, his father figure, and no Jonin like Kakashi deserved to kiss Iruka's feet let alone the dirt Iruka walked on. And yet, Iruka seemed very happy. There was not a day that Iruka didn't smile or look dreamily out into the sky day dreaming about his and Kakashi's growing relationship.

How could Naruto even think to scheme of taking all of that away from Iruka? Iruka was happy.

Naruto glared at the pervert that was his current sensei. _Fine, we'll see how this goes. But if you hurt my Iruka-sensei, I'll murderlise you. I'll make you die a million times over for every wound you inflict on Iruka-sensei._

Sakura decided it didn't exist and would not deal with it. There was no way that her two senseis could be less than manly. Especially Kakashi sensei, the man was a legend and a powerful shinobi. As for Iruka-Sensei, well, Sakura had liked Iruka, there was no way that someone so kind and proper could possibly be a pervert.

* * *

**Home Run! - The Beginning of three wonderful months together and the start of their relationship's decline.**

The night was looking good. It was late in the evening and few people were out and about and those that were had the same things on their minds that Kakashi had for their partner of choice.

Dinner was perfect. They had enjoyed an expensive dinner at a romantic little restaurant. Iruka was a little tipsy from the good wine they had shared. His eyes danced with some sensual amusement that Kakashi wished he could read the reason behind. They were holding hands as they often had been doing lately.

Iruka was tipsy and giggly. Iruka stumbled into Kakashi and Kakashi's strong arms enveloped him, keeping him from falling. Iruka's eyes focused on Kakashi and he smiled wide, warm, inviting.

"I think I love you." He whispered into Kakashi's mouth just before he kissed the stronger taller ninja.

Kakashi was surprised at the confession but didn't let it stand in the way of his kissing Iruka senseless or let it get in the way of his plans for the evening. Finally, Mission: Iruka's Bed was going to be a success.

* * *

**WARNINGS**

**WARNINGS**

**sex IruKashi sex **

* * *

Kakashi had never done it with a guy before. He had never desired to do it with a guy before, before Iruka.

With his hair down and back turned to him, Kakashi could pretend Iruka was a girl as long as he didn't touch that place on Iruka that said very distinctly that Iruka was a guy. But eventually he desired Iruka as a man. He turns Iruka around, making out escalates, becomes all that Kakashi is focused on.

Iruka was beautiful.

Iruka had a perfect penis, thick and dripping, slick with desire and pre-cum, balls swollen and hard, aching for release. Kakashi stroked it with one graceful long fingered hand. Iruka's eyes focused on that hand, those sensual fingers and leaned into the sensation of each stroke.

Iruka sighed and spread his legs a little more for easier access. Kakashi stroked him lazily, taking his time to stoke the growing fire between them.

Kakashi covered Iruka's mouth again and again, driving his tongue deep into Iruka's wet and sensual, consuming mouth. Iruka tasted so good, better than chocolate, better than coffee, better than his favorite meal.

When Iruka saw the rise of desire in Kakashi's gaze it shook him to his core, Kakashi was looking at him, looking at his hard aching column of man flesh between his legs and Kakashi desired it, desired him, fully, as a man.

Kakashi drove into Iruka with more force and desire than he had ever felt before. And for the first time he accepted that he was fucking a guy and that he very much enjoyed Iruka's hot body.

He didn't try to fight Kakashi's dominance or his chosen pace in their lovemaking at first. But as his desires grew so did his demands. Iruka drove himself up into every thrust of Kakashi's. His hair long and tossed, beautiful waves of obsidian locks flowing on Kakashi's pillows. Sweat glistening on powerful muscled thick body.

Iruka wasn't fat, but he wasn't slender either, at least not like Kakashi was. Kakashi was deceptively thin whereas Iruka was wide yet slender there was no hiding his strength. Kakashi licked and sucked at bronze flesh. Nibbling on hard pecks, fingers digging into Iruka's hips as he drove his hard cock into Iruka's welcoming, no, demanding heat.

Iruka was so demanding in bed. He was fearless to order Kakashi around. Telling him, "more' and "harder" and "don't you stop", "don't you ever fucking stop". It was such a turn on when Iruka cussed. Kakashi drove deeper and harder. Iruka filled him with so much passion. He felt like he was going to burn out before orgasm came. Iruka was so full of fire and passion and need. Iruka filled the emptiness in Kakashi.

Kakashi trembled. This wasn't just lust. Iruka was more than that. But Kakashi couldn't let him mean that to him. Kakashi couldn't afford to have his reputation ruined. He couldn't afford to have a weakness. Yet he couldn't keep his hands or his mouth from Iruka. He couldn't keep from desiring Iruka. He adored Iruka's passion, adored Iruka's temper and compassion and mother-hening instincts.

Suddenly Iruka orgasmed, taking both of them over the edge and for the first time he felt fulfilled in their lovemaking. This was real. This was… this was… perfection. This was Kakashi seeing him and wanting him, really wanting him, a true connection of emotion and sex and souls and heart.

* * *

**YOU SKIPPED IRUKASHI SEX**

* * *

Iruka thought they would be together forever after that night of passion.

He was wrong.

**People started noticing.**

* * *

**TBC**

* * *

Chapter Eight in the works: cliff notes: The Decline of Their relationship & Back to the present, Iruka's affliction!

Please review. Every review is appreciated. :D


	8. Ch 8: A Relationship on the Decline

Title: MEANING  
Author: Jazzy  
Pairing: Iruka/Kakashi  
Rating: M

**SUMMARY: **It was supposed to be a one night stand. How was Kakashi to know that Iruka wouldn't be able to understand that? Kakashi finds that when something that was supposed to mean nothing suddenly became to mean everything to him. Iruka has meaning.

**WARNINGS:** Possible Humor, Definite Angst, darkness, drama, adventure, romance, m/m, slash, Yaoi, emotional hurts, hurt/comfort. some Abuse & possible non-con.

Not Beta'd.

* * *

**A/N:** I chose to create a Konoha that doesn't accept homosexuals, because it is something that is rarely explored in this fandom. I know that reality is an ugly thing. I know life isn't always sunshine and roses and when it comes to such an explosive topic as gay rights; don't we all wish we lived in a more accepting world?

I am a fan of the most typical of explanations in the fandom that explains acceptance of the gay rights in this universe, that ninjas live so close to death all the time that they have sex with anything and anyone regardless of gender because they face death all the time and an uncertain future. It really works in this fandom as a really good excuse.

If we were facing death every day and knew we could die on a mission, at any given moment, would we all still have the same hang ups that we have in reality?

Anyway, I just wanted to do something unique and explain the weird Hatake muse that invaded my nightmares. I hate it when Kakashi is mean to Iruka. But Mean Kakashi invaded and now he rules this story for the moment! Ha! :D

Thank you again for all your kind reviews.  
Sincerely, jazzy.  
**End A/N**

* * *

_**Apologies in advance, if this chapter seems at all weird or fast paced. I speed typed this baby up at 4 am this morning unable to sleep!**_

**_word count: 5,683_**

* * *

**Chapter Eight**

Subtitle: _**A Scarecrow & A Dolphin, The Decline**_

**THE PRESENT**

Naruto sighed. Taking care of a non communicative little girl was no different from handling a mood Sasuke or an emotional-coward Sensei like Kakashi. To speak the truth the little girl was easier then those two men.

Naruto would have pitied Kakashi if not for the misery that Kakashi had put Iruka-sensei through. Naruto still hadn't forgiven him for how he had treated Iruka during and after their "dating"-fiasco.

Kakashi hadn't defended Iruka-nee, not once while they were together or after they had broken up. Kakashi hadn't wanted people to know he was really dating Iruka. He let them believe he had been seduced by perverted sensei. Talking trash about Iruka behind Iruka's back, letting us others talk trash behind Iruka's back.

Naruto had lost all respect for Kakashi. The man talked tough but he was a hypocrite of the worst order. Naruto couldn't believe Kakashi had let it get so far. He had wrapped Iruka around his fingers, manipulated Iruka in every way and once he had won his heart he had then gone to unthinkable and cruel lengths to break it.

Naruto hated Kakashi. But seeing the man drinking away his life while Iruka lay in the hospital still unconscious; Kakashi looked like he was really feeling the pain of what he had done to Iruka-Sensei. Maybe Kakashi was even regretting all that he had done. Maybe Kakashi wanted to make it right.

Naruto scowled at the drunken mess on the floor. Kakashi was pathetic. He gazed dourly into his empty bottle. Grey eye gazed grimly into the pre-dawn sky towards the hospital. Watery grey eye bespoke of a pain too deep to talk about.

He reminded Naruto of that strange story of a dog who lay by his master's dying side up until and after, long after, his master had died and then the dog suffered of a broken heart because it had failed to keep his master safe, and in his mourning he starved and died. No one could make the dog leave his dead master's grave, nor make him eat or attach his heart to another. He was a loyal dog and died because he couldn't love anyone else.

That story had been one Iruka-sensei's favorites. He'd recite it for the longest time during the first few months of his and Kakashi's separation. Iruka never got over that break up.

Though the relationship had been anything but healthy, Iruka had been deeply in love. He had convinced himself Kakashi had loved him in return. To be so wrong had nearly killed Iruka-nee.

Naruto didn't want Kakashi any where near Iruka. Once Iruka woke up and was recovered, he and Iruka would continue to live together and quietly. Naruto would protect Iruka and keep Kakashi away from him. There was no way he was going to let Kakashi back in to Iruka's life. Not after what he had done to Iruka, not ever. Naruto was not going to forgive him. Never!

Kakashi was scum!

So then why was he even bothering to look after his stupid emotional wreck of a cowardly Jonin sensei?

Naruto sniffed some more scowled and gagged at the stench of stale alcohol and unclean body, a body that hadn't seen a bath in nearly a week. It was both disturbing and disgusting, but possibly the most pathetic thing about Kakashi.

The man was truly acting like his heart was broken, as if he had one! But still, Kakashi was behaving almost as if he was sorry about something, like he was deeply regretting something, like he was seriously depressed about something.

Could it be possible that Kakashi was finally coming to his stupid senses? Could Kakashi be regretting what he had done to Iruka sensei?

"Jeez!" Naruto growled. "You can't go near Iruka-sensei stinking like that!"

With a few kicks and a lot of heavy handedness Naruto forced Kakashi into the public baths and dumped him in fully clothed.

"Scrub! And don't even dare come out of that bath until you smell like a freaking rose!" roared Naruto. "dattebayo!"

Kakashi winced. Did the kid have to be so loud? Hang-over here. Kakshi groaned and let his whole body submerge beneath the heated waters.

Iruka.

Pain stabbed his heart.

My Iruka.

Again the pain throbbed.

My love.

So much pain and guilt and shame, it felt like he was dying.

God, I'm such a bastard.

* * *

**THE PAST**

Kakashi was paranoid that people knew they were dating. People were giving him odder than usual looks now. Fellow Jonin were giving him looks that one would give a possible enemy, neutral and waiting for the first move.

Kakashi avoided them like the plague and was even more careful how he met up with Iruka or left Iruka or went to Iruka's apartment. His little dolphin seemed oblivious of the growing suspicion.

Iruka was warm and loving. They had passionate sex often. Kakashi enjoyed Iruka's body fully in every sensational way that he could. He never let Iruka top him, not ever. It was starting to become a sore topic between them. Iruka felt that their relationship was starting to show signs of un-equality and he didn't want that sort of relationship.

Kakashi had felt threatened by such thoughts or open discussions. He'd made it apparent that Iruka best forget such ways of thinking because he wouldn't ever bottom. He wasn't a bottom and if Iruka "loved" him he wouldn't care so much and besides didn't Kakashi make it always good for him? Iruka never fails to come when Kakashi's fucking him. Kakashi pointed out. Iruka frowned and cringed from such words. Iruka preferred words like making love to fucking, but that was what they did, they fucked.

Iruka was in love, Kakashi was in lust and for him it was just a one night stand, one that was lasting longer than he would have liked but still just a one night stand with more than usual attachment and feeling of connection to it, but still just a one night stand.

Iruka wanted to date more openly. Kakashi had at first connived and manipulated and avoided flat out answering such insane ideas, but Iruka was like a dog with a bone. He wanted people to know that he and Kakashi were together. Iruka felt so much pride and love for Kakashi that he didn't want to hide it away.

A heated argument that suddenly got violent. Kakashi didn't at first realize what had happened. One moment Iruka was talking nonsense, trying to persuade Kakashi to his point of view and the next Iruka was on the floor cradling his face, looking just as stunned as Kakashi felt on the inside. Kakashi looked quizzically at his own hand, seeing the fist he'd made and feeling the slight after throb from impact with Iruka's cheek.

Each in shock Kakashi felt strange, numb. He knew he had crossed a line but he couldn't say what that line was.

Neither one of them could at first believe what had happened. They were tearing each other apart. They often argued and fought lately but Kakashi had never resorted to violence before. Now Kakashi had gone so far as to actually hit Iruka! It felt horrible yet strangely freeing.

Iruka was silent. Kakashi was silent. They were in shock.

As sudden as the silence and the violence had come caring came quickly after and took over completely. Each one scrambled to take care of the hurt Kakashi had caused.

Iruka sniffled and Kakashi hugged Iruka tightly and whispered his apologies and kissed Iruka over and over, all over his face, while guiding Iruka into the bathroom and to the first aid kit hidden under the sink.

Iruka wouldn't talk crazy things any more Kakashi was sure of that just as something in him was sure that this would not be the last such ending to an argument in the future.

It was sick and wrong and yet Kakashi couldn't seem to stop after that one time. Any time Iruka got close to scaring him Kakashi would hit him, if one hit didn't suffice than he would add another and another sometimes it went so far as to binding Iruka with chakra and stringing him up like a punching bag or like an enemy for interrogation.

In spite of his fear and the rise of abuse Iruka always forgave Kakashi. He was always so willing to let Kakashi get away with anything Kakashi desired. All of it excused under the guise of forgiveness and love.

Iruka always said what Kakashi refused to say or even think.

"I love you".

Iruka learned to fear Kakashi's bad moods and to avoid potentially explosive topics. But he wasn't always successful. Iruka always forgave Kakashi though and it seemed that his forgiveness was also consent for Kakashi to continue to treat him like his personal property and personal punching bag.

Kakashi refused to be questioned any more. He refused to have Iruka speak frightening concepts and terrifying ideals.

Seeing Iruka's pride breaking, watching Iruka accept all that Kakashi put him through without much of a struggle was frightening and thrilling and it did something to Kakashi that he had never felt before. Iruka was his, his property, his to abuse and release all of his emotions on. Iruka was always spread out and ready for him, he never told Kakashi no when sex was too rough or more like torture than love.

Kakashi didn't believe in violence in his bedroom and yet he couldn't seem to stop. It became as addicting as Iruka's lips or Iruka's arms or the way Iruka snuggled up against him in their bed at night, warming Kakashi's body as well as his cold heart.

Iruka forgave Kakashi when he went too and "punished" Iruka. Iruka even forgave him when he turned it into a struggle of dominance and submission and humiliation and nonconsensual abusive sex.

Iruka was his and willingly so. Iruka always submitted. Iruka always said what Kakashi couldn't.

"I love you".

Iruka was always so understanding always so quick to forgive Kakashi anything and everything. How could Iruka be so forgiving? How could Iruka make it so easy for Kakashi to abuse him like this?

* * *

This was sick! This was wrong! This was a twisted version of love. This wasn't love. This couldn't possibly be love. Yet Iruka thought it was and maybe it was. It wasn't as Kakashi understood love. It wasn't like Kakashi had ever known love or been in love. Kakashi had been a ninja and a killer for too long to know what love was.

But most of all, he couldn't love Iruka because Iruka was a man. Men didn't love. They couldn't love. It was unnatural and it was perverted. Kakashi figured he was teaching Iruka a lesson. Maybe Iruka would give up this so called life of sin. Maybe Iruka would learn that loving a man had consequences too terrible to stomach?

Maybe Kakashi was saving Iruka?

Maybe Kakashi was even saving them both?

Didn't Iruka understand? How could Iruka not know that such things as what they did with each other was a sin and punishable by death?

How could Iruka be so naïve? Didn't he know that if Kakashi was ever found out by his peers, those same peers would kill him, kill them both?

Kakashi knew he needed to start weaning himself of Iruka. Maybe it was time to start visiting the Madame's house again?

Friday night movie night soon became non existent. Mornings at the Caffeinated Ninja became more a once a week affair, walks in the park together soon non existent as well, and lunches too. Saturday morning breakfast was still a go though because it was always at home and in bed with each other once their relationship had turned intimate.

Iruka always forgave Kakashi and never questioned Kakashi's lies whenever Kakashi broke their dates.

Iruka was always so understanding and nice. It was killing Kakashi.

* * *

A Jonin watched Kakashi closely as he spoke about anti-gay subjects. He used Iruka like a knife twisting and teasing the knife, testing for depth of each verbal thrust and strike to see if he reached blood and truth.

Kakashi kept his expression bored and his usual neutral. He didn't defend Iruka. He didn't want them to know that he was more than acquaintances with the dolphin.

He felt ashamed and guilt for such cowardice but what did his conscience let alone Iruka expect of him?

He was just one man!

How could he stand up against a whole village of gay-haters?

His father had not been gay but he had not followed one simply ninja rule and though the people he had saved were grateful to him the village had not been. They had persecuted him up unto his death. Seppuku, hiri-kiri.

Kakashi was not a god but a mortal man with the same weakness as any man. He couldn't possibly take on so many of his own peers and live through such an ordeal.

And yet Maito Guy had the guts that Kakashi lacked. He stood up for Iruka.

"Iruka-Sensei is a respected and honorable teacher of youth! The Hokage trusts him and we should trust in that. What goes on behind doors is no one's business but his and his lover's."

Guy looked at Kakashi with sadness.

Why was Guyi giving him such a look of disappointment? Kakashi tried very hard not to cringe. He tried very hard to keep the masquerade going. He was not Iruka's lover. He was not even Iruka's friend, just an acquaintance nothing more.

Kakashi didn't need the hassle. Kakashi didn't want his reputation ruined or people to look on him with such hate or such disgust.

Maito Guy was disappointed in his rival. He was sad that Kakashi could not love Iruka openly. Iruka was a good man, a loving and kind individual who did not deserve to be looked down upon by his peers nor he thought Kakashi did as well. But seeing Kakashi refusing to defend the man he shared a bed and an intimate friendship with, well he didn't like to think badly on his rival but to see Kakashi unwilling to do what was just and right, it hurt Guy and made him rethink a few things of his rival, but perhaps if anyone had deserved to be spat upon perhaps it was Kakashi. He sighed heavily. Just thoughts weighed painfully on his heart and bogged down his youthfulness.

Iruka was showing signs of worry and of abuse lately. He was jumpy. There were few weeks when Iruka didn't have a black eye or bruises on his neck or at his wrists. Guy was worried. If this was Kakashi's doing he felt he should report it, even step in, but Iruka refused to say anything other than it was a misunderstanding and he refused to say it was Kakashi. Guy was troubled.

* * *

Team Seven was troubled. Kakashi was acting weirder and more sneaky and more broody and more darkly lately. Iruka was acting weird too. Iruka was always hiding lately and when he couldn't hide he lied, and surprisingly for an experienced ninja, Iruka was not at all very good at lying at least not to Naruto and his students.

People noticed Kakashi's behavior, they noticed Iruka's behavior, neighbors heard disturbances from Iruka's home at least once a week or more. Women were following Iruka with looks of contempt and hate. They were merciless whenever they cornered him. Iruka defended himself but he wasn't always successful at escaping the ordeal unscathed whether emotionally battered or physically so.

Iruka loved Kakashi he had faith things would work out. He believed that Kakashi loved him. Kakashi had to love him. It didn't make sense. Kakashi had chased him for close to a year and then actively dated him until he won him and now they shared the same bed and slept curled up around one another, they shared meals at home and laughter too when Iruka wasn't being stubborn or engaging Kakashi's wrath.

They had a relationship. Kakashi made love to him every night when he wasn't on a mission or out with his friends. Kakashi said he was beautiful. Kakashi must have told him at least once that he loved him.

Yes sometimes the sex had been a little rough, sometimes there had been bruising, limping afterwards for a day or two until his chakra healed the injury. Sometimes Kakashi didn't heed Iruka's needs and only took care of his own leaving Iruka in pain and wanting but in the mornings it would be good if Kakashi stuck around instead of sneaking off before Iruka could wake up and make them breakfast.

* * *

**More descriptive Mentions of IruKashi Sex**

* * *

Kakashi was such a horn-dog in the mornings. Iruka blushed. There had been mornings he would wake up and Kakashi would be half buried in his ass, suckling his nipples, fingers gripping his hips or thighs spreading him wide for a passionate morning.

Sometimes Iruka would wake to Kakashi's lips wrapped around his morning erection, suckling him with a fierce determination and passionate devotion that Iruka adored the most. There was no one in Iruka's experience that was half as good at giving head as Kakashi was. Iruka adored watching Kakashi's mouth on his morning hard on, those hollowed cheeks, the warm wet heat of suction and laving tongue. The feel of a bobbing mouth and working jaw, silver hair more messy from bed head and more taunting and making his fingers itch to dig deep and grip satin locks and help Kakashi bring him to orgasm faster.

But Kakashi was the one in control and Kakashi loved tormenting Iruka making him beg and scream and dance at the edge for longer than should have been tolerable before allowing him to come with Kakashi's three fingers fucking his still damp from the previous night's love making fest, hole.

After he would come Kakashi would turn him on to his stomach and then take his own erection in hand and fuck Iruka fast and hard. Both of them satisfied at least for the moment until the next round in their morning routines.

* * *

**Skipped Description**

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It was easy to lie to himself and excuse everything as mission related or report related or teaching his chunins-to-be related, every broken date, every night he was alone, Iruka forgave it, understood it, lied to himself that it wasn't that other thing, that he wasn't a one night stand or some fake relationship for Kakashi. Iruka believed this was real. He believed it was real for both of them. He believed they had a real relationship, one that would last until the end of their days together.

He knew that during sex Kakashi could be very vocal and very descriptive of how much he enjoyed Iruka, didn't he at least once say that he loved Iruka? Iruka was pretty sure that he must have said it at least once. He had to have, otherwise why was Iruka putting up with Kakashi at all? They loved each other. Anything was worth keeping Kakashi with him, any degradation any violence anything. He loved Kakashi and he knew Kakashi loved him in return. He must. He had to.

It didn't make much sense any other way. They loved each other. Kakashi had pursued him. Kakashi was still with him two months after their first real date. Iruka loved Kakashi. Iruka had never been so deeply in love before. Kakashi called him beautiful. Kakashi loved his laugh. Kakashi desired him as a man. Kakashi made love to him. Kakashi had oral sex with him often and touched him often and had him often again a wall or on a table or a desk or on their bed or on their carpet. Hell Kakashi was practically living at Iruka's house. If that didn't say Kakashi loved him, he didn't know what else it would be called. They were living together what else could it be called other than cohabitating when someone was with you every day they stayed in your home with you day and night when they weren't on a mission.

Iruka understood that Kakashi was afraid. He understood that this was a new experience for Kakashi no matter how suave Kakashi was or how experienced he pretended to be. Iruka knew he was Kakashi's first man and that was something that made Iruka feel so warm and so amazed and stunned. Kakashi was special. Kakashi was the one. Iruka would not be the one to leave Kakashi. He loved him so much.

Iruka understood all the things that Kakashi would never speak of. He even understood why Kakashi had hit him. Kakashi was afraid. Kakashi hated being gay. Kakashi hated that he couldn't love Iruka openly as Iruka deserved as Kakashi deserved. Iruka knew that he just had to be patient and that Kakashi would eventually come around. Kakashi wasn't a coward. Kakashi was a brave ninja, a hero of Konoha. A man like that could never not take his rightful place in the sun and with him his partner.

This was just a rough patch and it would end soon. Iruka just had to be more understanding of Kakashi's issues and have faith that Kakashi would do the right thing one day soon.

After all they loved each other.

* * *

**Just twenty four hours later the abrupt end**

Kakashi had made love to him as usual. Iruka felt glowing as usual, energized about his day. They hadn't fought in a while. He felt good. Maybe this rough patch of their was finally at an end. Iruka was hopeful.

Kakshi smiled kindly at him even when he had leaned over to kiss Kakashi a thank you for this morning and for making the breakfast which was an amazing and wonderful surprise. Kakashi usually didn't cook. Iruka had felt all warm and tingly. He had felt that this was it. This was his world. Kakashi was his. Things could only get better from here.

He'd been smiling eating his breakfast, chatting lightly with his lover, gulping down hasty long pulls of hot coffee. Time was going by so quickly and he knew he had to get ready for work. But he wanted to make plans to meet up with Kakashi later.

"We should get together for lunch, its been a while since we last ate lunch together at the Ninja..." Before Iruka could add anything more or try to persuade Kakashi any further. Kakashi interrupted him by declining pleasantly.

Iruka frowned, Kakashi was acting weird.

"Well, if not lunch than how about dinner?"

Again Kakashi declined.

Curious as to why Kakashi was declining every offer, Iruka asked, "Do you have a mission?"

Kakashi didn't answer right away and for a moment Iruka turned his back on Kakashi to grab a hair tie from a drawer and then with a few twists of the strands of hair he put his hair back up into its usual no nonsense pony tail.

But Iruka would not give up. He wanted to spend time with his boy friend. And with the morning having gone so pleasantly and with the last few days being so peaceful between them he was hoping to spend some more time with Kakashi during this more loving time between them.

"When can we see each other again?"

Kakashi smiled kindly, but in his eyes was something firm and sort of cold. Iruka shivered, fearing that he had pushed Kakashi into another violent rage. Yet, Kakashi seemed a little bit different. Iruka looked a long time into that grey eye and knew suddenly that though it wasn't going to physical violence it was going to be something just as painful, what Kakashi was going to say next was not going to ruin his world.

"I was hoping to make this easy on you, Iruka-Sensei, but you really are quite dense aren't you? Put quite simply, this was a one night stand. I would think you would get the idea when I declined both lunch and dinner. Why would I sleep with you more than the once? My itch is scratched. You're another notch on my bed post." Explained Kakashi cruelly.

Iruka trembled. His face went carefully blank as he bore each wound that cut him with every word the Elite Jonin chose to speak.

"You're just not my type. You're not even that handsome Iruka. I don't mean to be cruel but your features are plain. You fade into the background as you fade out of memory. Your skills are below Jonin. You're very emotional.

Don't get the wrong idea, Sensei. Last night was fun but let's not make a habit of it, alright?" said_ Kakashi, beaming, setting his empty coffee cup on the counter top._

Iruka was devastated.

"You can't mean that? Those can't be your real feelings. They can't be. You're not that good of an actor. You said you desired me, you said I was beautiful. You said you loved me."

"No, you said you loved me. I never said anything about love, well the words do come to mind I loved to fuck you, maybe." Kakashi sneered, cruelly.

Iruka paled and felt weak. "You're lying." He tried to hold on to that belief. He didn't know why Kakashi was lying but he was. "You don't mean this. You can't."

"You mean nothing to me Iruka. You were a good fuck. A one night stand that lasted too long, but that's all you ever were to me." Insisted Kakashi, cool and remote, carefully rinsing out the mug before putting it on the draining board.

Iruka sat down in the chair across from Kakashi's usual seat at the breakfast table and tried to fight the tears that burned in his eyes. "This is fear talking. This isn't you. You can't mean this. Why are you lying?"

"Believe what you want, but we're through Iruka. It's done. It's ended. I won't be seeing you any more after today, except in the capacity of business."

"But I love you." Said Iruka brokenly.

"I know, but I don't love you." Said Kakashi, standing up from the table he coolly and lazily made his way out of Iruka's home, his bag packed with all the little things he'd ended up leaving behind him over the last few months they had been together. His bag felt very heavy for some reason.

Maybe it was Iruka's tears?

* * *

Naruto changed towards Kakashi. The team dynamics suddenly seemed to change over night. It seemed as if Sasuke was lieutenant and Sakura second lieutenant to Naruto as leader. If Kakashi had thought it was impossible before to train team seven he hadn't known the meaning of impossible. Naruto took every opportunity to scheme against him, showing an unusual aptitude for leadership and cunning. Kakashi was soon very much regretting ever having become Jonin instructor to team seven let alone ever having been born.

Naruto was busy taking care of his ill Iruka-sensei. Hehated answering Iruka's questions about Kakashi. He hated seeing Iruka pining for a heartless bastard like Kakashi.

"He didn't mean it. He's just scared Naruto."

"He loves me. I know he does."

Iruka was devastated, broken.

Naruto feared for his life. It was six months before Naruto felt even remotely secure in leaving Iruka alone for any length of time that wasn't business related.

Iruka was devastated. He was a pale shadow of what he once had been. He was still teaching at the Academy but his life was in ruins. Parents speculated, his job was still in jeopardy. Peers and superiors still kept a healthy distance between themselves and Iruka except for Iruka's true blue friends who took care of him and were a barrier between him and Kakashi.

Yes, Kakashi had done a good job of destroying Iruka and all of it because Kakashi couldn't fall in love.

Any time Kakashi showed with a mission scroll it was someone else other than Iruka who took it. Iruka would look at him with a longing expression, as if he were a kicked puppy even though his face was blank it was in his expressive obsidian eyes that showed the pain Iruka was still suffering over Kakashi's breaking up with him.

Kakashi tried to pretend he didn't feel guilt for having hurt Iruka but it was a futile effort. However it was for the best, for the both of them, that their "relationship" had ended. It was only supposed to be a one night stand. It wasn't supposed to mean anything. How had Iruka burrowed so deep under his skin?

It wasn't supposed to mean anything it was just supposed to be a one night stand. The sex wasn't even particularly spectacular. The chunin was sweet and curvy and hard in all the right places, skin like silk, eyes full of emotions, exquisite indescribable.

Kakashi wasn't supposed to fall in love. Kakashi told himself over and over again "It's just a one night stand" and "It means nothing. He means nothing to me".

But he still craved Iruka. Kakashi had to break Iruka's control over him. When he went to the Madame's House he found a woman, his favorite by far, who reminded him of Iruka, but even she was starting not to do it for him any more. Iruka's hold on him was unnaturally strong.

It wasn't supposed to mean anything it was just supposed to be a one night stand. Kakashi told himself over and over again. The sex wasn't even particularly spectacular.

"It's just a one night stand"

"It means nothing. He means nothing to me".

Kakashi wasn't supposed to fall in love.

It wasn't healthy. It was supposed to be a one night stand. No emotional attachments, no strings.

Kakashi wasn't supposed to fall in love.

* * *

**THE PRESENT**

But Kakashi had messed it up – no, it had been Iruka. Iruka had to be the marrying kind, the classy kind, the kind one had to wine and dine to get to first base with. Iruka had to turn a one night stand into a relationship. Iruka had to be Mr. Oblivious and turn a small chase into one spanning months and then once Kakashi had won the chase Iruka had to go and make a one night stand into something of addiction and into something that had lasted three months of sexual heaven! Bliss and Torment!

But it had been Kakashi's fear that had turned it into a sickly twisted parody of a relationship. Kakashi had been the one to beat, yes, beat Iruka. Kakashi had been the one to torture and rape Iruka. Kakashi had dirtied the beautiful and innocent Iruka. Kakashi had made Iruka cower and fear. Kakashi had taken and taken and never given back. He had almost killed Iruka with his self-hate and his hateful abuses.

And now Iruka was ill. Iruka lay in some hospital bed possibly dying and the Hokage that secretive bitch wasn't willing to talk to him or to anyone yet about what was making Iruka unconscious.

I didn't hit him, this time, I know I didn't. He hit me. Iruka fought me harder than he's ever fought me before. I was careful. I only dodged his hits I didn't strike back. I kept myself under control it was Iruka who had been out of control.

Why was Iruka unconscious!?

Kakashi slowly let his body float to the top of the hot water, feeling sorry for himself and tormenting himself with all of these miserable memories were doing him and Iruka no good.

But it hurt to think of Iruka in that hospital bed. It hurt him more than he thought anything ever could. Iruka deserved better than a screwed up coward like Kakashi.

Iruka. He thought mournfully.

How did this get so fucked up?

* * *

**TBC**

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**Okay, next chapter, Iruka's illness! see ya next time! :D**

**All reviews are appreciated. Thank you to allwho review.**


	9. Dying to Live, 2 Hearts ’n Pieces!

**_Sorry its taken me so long to type this out! Real Life has been very busy for me lately and so its taken me longer than expected to get this typed and ready to post. I have chapter ten in the works, but it will be a while more before I post it along with Stuck in darkness and the revamped story, Champions. A Long long while to come. Sorry!_**

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Title: MEANING  
Author: Jazzy  
Pairing: Iruka/Kakashi  
Rating: M

**SUMMARY: **It was supposed to be a one night stand. How was Kakashi to know that Iruka wouldn't be able to understand that? Kakashi finds that when something that was supposed to mean nothing suddenly became to mean everything to him. Iruka has meaning.

**WARNINGS:** Possible Humor, Definite Angst, darkness, drama, adventure, romance, m/m, slash, Yaoi, emotional hurts, hurt/comfort. Not Beta'd.

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**_For those how have read this Author Note please skip ahead, for those that have not read it, please read. Thanks._**

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**A/N:** Good question asked, and maybe I didn't explain it very well. Why would Iruka stay with someone who had been so abusive?

I think of Iruka as someone slightly naïve. He was definitely lonely. He was an orphan. He craved people's attentions when he was much younger. Perhaps he grew out of it or maybe some of that still lingers. I think I went with it still lingers. He seems self confident and able to handle anything but deep down he's still alone and an orphan and having someone like Kakashi think he was someone special did a lot for his self worth. Nice people are always getting taken advantage of.

Ever been an outcast? Ever been alone? Ever felt like this person is the only one who loves you, understands you, truly knows you and sees who you are and still loves you, even all the (what you view as the) ugly parts of you? Any self esteem issues? Any weaknesses that a ruthless person would take advantage of and twist to their own will?

I've met a few charmers. They can twist your mind and you wouldn't even question that it wasn't your fault and that you somehow deserved it. Be thankful if you have never met any men or women like this. They're twisted individuals!

I don't think abuse can ever really be understood or if it can, it certainly isn't going to be me who understands it. I still think that the first time something like getting beaten or degraded happens you should walk away. I keep thinking if I had been abused, I know I would have walked away, and yet… I really can't say if it would happen that way. No one knows how they will react until it happens to them.

Its an amazing thing what the human mind will do to itself, given the feelings or what a fair minded person will accept while giving a benefit of a doubt, and turn the other cheek, and forgive, and etc. In some respects our society makes it easy for abusers to get away with abuse. Low self esteem too is a major weakness that these abusers take advantage of.

I've met a few abuse survivors in the fandom worlds that I write in. And they tell it a lot like my sister who was abused. They never thought it would happen to them and they never thought they would stay around to be that person's whipping bitch.

Even the strong can be abused, find a weakness and exploit it, that's what abusers do, they do it instinctively.

Like I've mentioned before, this story is proving to be a long one. I hope I can do better in the upcoming chapters for both characters.

Unfortunately, my Kakashi muse in this story is a twisted loser, and as one or two have noted, he has a bit of a Mizuki cast to him. (I think I made Mizuki Iruka's type, oh no!) but Kakashi is not as far gone as Mizuki, he will never be Mizuki, ruled by bitterness or jealousy or by insanity, Kakashi will redeem himself, of that I can assure you, because though he is similar to Mizuki in this story, Kakashi is not Mizuki. :D

Kakashi has a long way to go, of course but I also believe just as Iruka possibly believes, people can change for the better and that no one is irredeemable.

I do need to focus on making Iruka a stronger man though. I don't want him to be a wimp and to just take back Kakashi without a lot of groveling, on Kakashi's part, that is, first.

Kakashi has a long way to go, and possibly so does Iruka, to become a stronger less dependant individual. So I will definitely try to focus on creating a stronger Iruka. :D

Thank you for your reviews. I appreciate it. Every review helps me to make this story a better one, and to bring my focus on the important matters of the characterizations. Every comment or thought or notice helps me to make this story better. Thank you. :D

Jazzy

**End A/N**

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**word count: _5,600_**

**Chapter Nine **

Subtitle: _**Dying to Live, 2 Hearts 'n Pieces!**_

Lady Tsunade the Fourth Hokage and easily the physically strongest human being in the entire world felt helpless. She tapped her crimson finger nails impatiently on her desk, scowling at her inability to cure one single chunin, one of her favorite people. Her heart hurt as she gazed out of her window. What could she possibly say to the rest of Iruka's precious people how could she explain this wasn't going away it was only going to get worse, there was no cure that she was aware of just a very risky procedure and one she wasn't well versed on. She couldn't tell them about that procedure she wasn't going to give them false hope. But it's a death sentence no matter which I choose. She thought despairing.

How could she look her gaki in the eye? Hell for that matter, how could she look that damned Hatake brat in the eye as well, the damned fool just had to mess up the final years of Iruka's life! The idiot! The BAKA! But this could be his chance to make it up to Iruka and even to himself. They deserved that much, didn't they; a chance to put it all to rest to make amends and give each other some peace before the end?

She sighed, opened another medical journal and buried her mind in to her research. She knew she couldn't put it off for much longer. She knew she had to tell them something and soon, her doors and her Anbu wouldn't last much longer with all the shenanigans and the banging on her doors.

* * *

Iruka finally gained consciousness for good nine days after his and Kakashi's first real conversation in over nine months. His body was weakening and he was tired often and even continued to have troubles breathing. His body ached and his heart seemed to hurt often. He didn't understand what was going on with him, were these physical symptoms of a broken heart? Was it even possible to die from such a thing? In romantic stories there were tellings of such things but this was reality, it wasn't possible to die from heart break otherwise Iruka would have perished three times over.

As Iruka lay in his hospital bed he wondered if he could be strong enough to continue to keep Kakashi at bay.

_"Give me another chance Iruka. I know I can do better. This time I will treat you right and properly, I swear it."_

Iruka shook his head tired and still remembering those events as if they were yesterday rather than nine months ago. "No, you're too afraid. You can't stand to think of yourself as a gay man let alone entrust that identity to others. You can't stand to have people look at you and see you as a gay man. You aren't brave enough to whether the pain that such admittance will give you. Konoha forgives many things but Homosexuality is not widely accepted here. I know that." Pause for another ice cube to pop into his mouth and sooth his aching tormented throat.

_"I've heard the jokes and seen the crude leers and the looks. I've been gay-bashed before. And I have no doubt I will be again in the future. But together we could have weathered it and been strong together and stand up in the face of such prejudices. Together, Kakashi, together we could have stood as one, and maybe, even make it easier for others like us to come out of the closet, maybe make a stand and make people respect who we are and our choices."_

_"Kakashi, we can't go back."_

**We Can't Go Back!**

There is no chance of turning back time and banishing the original time line. There is no possible way to wipe the slate clean. What has been done can't be undone. What he did to me, no man should have had the right to do to me. I shouldn't have let him do those things to me.

Neither one of us has any excuses for how sick it became. Love is supposed to bring out the best in us and yet this love only seemed to bring out the worse in both of them, weakness and cruelty.

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A/N: I should have put this in chapters 7 & 8, forgive me!

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**_Flashback- the early days in their courtship._**

Iruka pinched himself. He still couldn't believe his luck. Kakashi was such an awesome shinobi and Kakashi was hanging out with him!

He was so cool. Iruka couldn't believe his luck. Why would Kakashi choose someone like Iruka to hang out with? Iruka was a responsible, stable, mature, sober individual. He was nothing like Kakashi's usual crowd.

The bar was loud and noisy with shinobi and civilians alike, but mostly shinobi men and women letting off steam and letting down their guards, throwing off the shackles of duty and the nightmares of their missions. Shinobi drank and partied and let themselves all hangout.

Iruka wasn't like that, he couldn't do that, he only allowed himself to have one drink and it was enough to make his cheeks rosy and his vision a little soft.

Kakashi was surrounded by warm willing bodies, women, that is. One woman was particularly more pushy than the rest. Kakashi seemed to be flirting with her and egging her on to flaunt her assets. Iruka blushed.

It seemed obscene.

Iruka knew how to play the game of being straight but he never let it go so far, not that women threw themselves at him, not that he noticed anyway, and not that he would want them to either. It was terrible the way these women and Kakashi were acting. It was embarrassing.

No, he couldn't say that he enjoyed a woman displaying her assets, give him a nice strapping man, or a man as lithe and graceful as Kakashi, with Kakashi's humor and twinkling grey eye, those were the sorts that were more to Iruka's tastes.

Iruka pinched himself again. What was happening here?

Kakashi wasn't even in his league! They were just trying out the friendship angle right now. Kakashi was not gay. Kakashi wasn't interested in Iruka like that.

They were just friends. Nothing more.

They could never be anything more.

Still it was amazing. Kakashi wanted to hang out with him! The elite of the elite, Kakashi Hatake, the leaf village hero and master of a thousand Jutsu and the Sharingan! Kakashi was hanging out with him, Iruka Umino: Academy Sensei Desk Ninja extraordinaire, boring, plain Iruka Sensei. He had to be dreaming!

Kakashi's laugh made him blush even darker and turn half lidded eyes towards the handsome charismatic Kakashi. The girl was wrapped around him and pouting. Kakashi gently disengaged her arms and continued to walk back to their table with his new pitcher of beer. The girls followed.

Iruka scowled at their behavior. They were being trampy! Kakashi was being cruel to let them continue being so. Kakashi had little to no interest in them other than to play with them as a cat does with a mouse. Iruka glared.

Kakashi gave him a startled look of surprise. "What?" he asked innocently.

"I have to go home now, I have classes in the morning." Explained Iruka.

"But I just bought this pitcher of beer, you hardly touched the previous one." Pouted Kakashi. "What's your hurry?"

"Its late, I don't drink." Iruka explained, uneasily. "I have classes in the morning and I can't be late. Good night Kakashi-sensei." He tried not to sound too put out with his friend or too huffy, but he was pretty sure that he had failed to keep his unhappiness from showing through.

Iruka teleported a short distance from the bar then continued his journey home at a thoughtful walking pace.

Mizuki had been pretty cool to, and a great friend through childhood but something had changed Mizuki and had made him become a traitor and an enemy.

What was happening to him? He had known Kakashi for only a short while and he knew enough to know that Kakashi was straight. It was flattering enough to his ego that Kakashi even wanted to spend a moment's time with him. He shouldn't start fantasizing about having something more with Hatake Kakashi sensei.

He was flattered, beyond flattered, that Kakashi wished to be his friend it was an amazing day dream come true.

A voice broke into his thoughts. "A penny for your thoughts?"

Kakashi was suddenly at his shoulder startling the Chunin teacher. Iruka gasped, while putting a strained hand over his heart.

"Bastard! You startled me." He hissed, troubled to be so badly startled from his thoughts, and worse of all that he hadn't noticed Kakashi's approach until Kakashi had spoken.

"What were you thinking so hard about?" inquired Kakashi, smiling his teasing smile.

"Why aren't you still at the bar?" asked the flustered Iruka instead of answering the question.

Kakashi frowned, more like a pout. "I wanted to spend time with you, not with a couple of doxy witches." He grinned. "I like to walk you home. I like talking with you."

Iruka blushed. _This is not a dream. Kakashi is actively pursuing me. Holy cow!_

Those pictures were really Kakashi's way of telling Iruka what his intentions were. It was a startling realization that almost made him fall to his knees in horror, yet thrilled. Kakashi liked him!

_Kakashi wanted to do things with him! ( a small part of him was panicking running around like a hamster in a wheel. While another part of him was trying very very hard not to let his nose bleed or let his body burn up in a flash of instant combustion. His heart felt like it was about to pound its way out o fhis chest.)_

_What an epiphnay!_

Kakashi wanted to be the scarecrow in that montage and have Iruka his dolphin love! He blushed scarlet all over. Perverted hentai thoughts in his head, those nasty hand drawn images dancing in his spinning head, Kakashi caught him before he blacked out completely.

Kakashi had after that night found every excuse to be near Iruka.

* * *

Iruka smiled warmly at the memory. It was amusing and still something like an odd dream or fairy tale story. Iruka sighed. Kakashi had been a very interesting person in his approach to winning Iruka's heart. Kakashi had been a good person. But Kakashi hadn't been ready to come out of the closet. Kakashi hadn't been ready to admit even to himself that he was gay. Iruka had been Kakashi's first man love but Iruka had also been all that Kakashi had hated. How did one compensate or overcome for a hatred they had been raised with? How did one overcome prejudice and lift one's head in pride when the world, when your village, your precious people cannot begin to understand or accept you?

"I should have know from the beginning we weren't fated. It was just a tragedy waiting to happen." He murmured sadly, laying back against his pillows as sleep began to creep once more over him.

* * *

**Memory Flashback continued**

It was just the beginning of the Kakashi invasion. Kakashi took every opportunity to touch him, sniff him, inhale all that Iruka was and imprint it to memory. Hatake was a lot like the Inuzuka clan in the way he pursued the one he wanted.

Kakashi was a tease. He was annoying. He was like a dog with a bone, hell he was a wolf scenting his mate and trying to win that mate for his heart.

Iruka was flattered and found it was very easy to fall in love with Kakashi even if he did try to fight it with every fiber of his being; because he knew Kakashi was straight.

Kakashi wasn't simply straight, he may have been confused, or he may be bisexual, or maybe he was gay and in denial, whatever it was Kakashi was not as straight as he had made everyone believe he was.

It couldn't possibly be so, and yet all the signs were there. Kakashi was actively pursuing Iruka and not just in the way of friendship either!

Kakashi was a manifestation of nature and would not be denied. Iruka couldn't fight his attractions to the willful, immoveable, stubborn Jonin. Kakashi had won his heart. Kakashi had won him body and soul. Iruka had found the one he would treasure in his heart forever.

Only to have it all go to hell and crumble out from under him. Kakashi had ripped his heart out and left only a husk behind in his wake.

* * *

The village was made up of very perceptive and sharp eyed shinobi and citizens. They began to notice how Kakashi was often found hanging out with Iruka-Sensei or coming from or going to Iruka's home or Iruka's to Kakashi's home. They were seen at the coffee shop together and at restaurants together. They were always together. They never held hands or wrapped arms around one another but they often walked closely to one another and they often smiled at one another and bend heads close to one another to talk in privacy to each other. The signs were there for any one to notice. When the gossip began Kakashi began to distance himself from Iruka or make it that they spent less and less time out together in the public to witness their unnatural love for one another.

Iruka had been oblivious. He had given in to every request Kakashi asked of him. They had meals together but only at one of their homes. They still spent time together but again only at one or the other's house. They slept together but love making began to take on a more painful bend, more punishing than loving. Iruka has forgiven it, gave it the excuse of stress induced. He should have broken it off when things took on a violent cast in their relationship but he couldn't bring himself to leave Kakashi. He thought it was a troubled patch and they would get through it and be stronger for it.

It only ever got worse.

* * *

Iruka was stalked by vicious women and a few Jonin that warned him to keep his distance from Kakashi and to stop infecting him with his perversions. Iruka was shaken and frightened by such encounters especially those encounters that turned to violence. Iruka was facing violence at home and violence outside. He was a wreck but as long as Kakashi continued to love him it seemed it was all worth it.

It had been hard to hang on to his sanity during this time. Students began to look at him funny, some parents had even gone so far as to get their child removed from his class and transferred to another academy teacher's class. It was all very upsetting. Iruka was often in tears during this period in his life. He was clingy and Kakashi grew ever more distant and the beatings increased.

Perhaps it had been a blessing when Kakashi had ended it so abruptly. Still no matter Iruka had been devastated by such a heartless break up. He couldn't help but wonder where he had gone wrong and what he had done to make Kakashi stop loving him.

He was miserable and sad and just devastated.

**_Naruto had moved in when Kakashi moved out._**

* * *

Naruto had been very worried for the unusually quiet & somehow broken sensei. Iruka hadn't objected to Naruto barging in and taking over his life.

He didn't bother to argue or say that he was an adult and had been taking care of himself even at eleven years of age on his own. Not that Naruto would have listened even if Iruka had been up to yelling those things and asserting his independence, which he wasn't.

Iruka didn't yell, didn't try to argue and most of all Iruka didn't seem to care.

He moped around, some days he didn't even bother getting out of his jammies or even going into work. Iruka couldn't face anything. What was a life without someone you loved sharing it with you?

What was life without Kakashi there to make it special?

He had laughed more, been more alive, felt more vibrant when Kakashi had been around, even when Kakashi had been violent and volatile life had been so, well, lively.

"You've got to stop this Iruka-Sensei!" yelled Naruto. "This is what Sakura calls Self-destructive behavior and it's not good! You're stronger than this!" roared the genin. "And Kakashi is going to pay for taking advantage of your good nature. Just you wait Iruka, you are going to be avenged! No one treats my Sensei like that! I showed Mizuki and I can show Bakashi-teme-lazy-bum too. Dattebayo!"

Iruka didn't chastise Naruto for his rudeness. Naruto floundered. He didn't know what to do for Iruka any more. But he couldn't let his friend, his father figure leave him.

"Iruka-sensei, Iruka-ni-chan, please don't do this, we need you, we love you. Your students need you. I need you." Naruto's voice trembled, his previous bravado and revenge seeking outer shell disappeared and showed a little boy, worried sick and helpless, uncertain of what to do for the one he loved, for one of his precious people.

Naruto broke through. Iruka promised himself he would never fall prey to another Mizuki or fall back into the arms of Kakashi. He would be stronger for this.

He had too much to live for to just let it all fall-apart; all because one stupid relationship had fallen apart; because some so-called hero was too much of a coward to face the uncertainties of life and the cruelty of bigotry.

Some days were easier than others to keep that promise.

* * *

It was a struggle to crawl out of the despair he had felt. Fellow chunin and a couple of Jonin friends had been a strength to Iruka, protecting him from gay-bashers, Kakashi-fan-clubbers, and other things that might shake up the at the moment emotionally vulnerable chunin.

A ninja who hadn't been able to see beneath the beneath or noticed the bruises Iruka had worn like jewelry often in the last month or so didn't deserve the name of shinobi or ninja. Kakashi had made himself a few enemies for his treatment of Iruka.

Break ups were never easy and Iruka had not elaborated or even spoke much about all that had happened to him in his relationship with Kakashi or the sudden abrupt ending of that relationship, in truth he honestly didn't have much to say on the matter. He was still having a hard time coming to grips with it as it was.

Making himself stronger

It was hard. He had to constantly reevaluate himself and his every decision. What had happened that had made it so easy for Kakashi and Mizuki to take advantage of him?

His good nature?

His kindness?

His naïveté?

The fear he had of being alone?

The left over traumas of becoming an orphan? His insecurities which were many?

His many worries?

He thought that perhaps he should seek out medication, possibly even counseling.

A healthy body helped a healthy mind. He found himself seeking out the training fields most days, not to see Kakashi but to see to his own physical exertions and training needs. He figured if he strengthened his jutsu and his body his mind would follow.

He felt hopeless and a failure that Kakashi was always on his mind. No matter how hard he trained or tried to forget his love for that infuriating manipulative abusive jerk.

He kept watching for a messy bush of silver hair in the market place or at night he would turn and toss and wiggle around his body in search for that counterpart that warm body that would hold him through the night or the pack of dogs that ate ravenously of his cooking in the mornings or when Kakashi was away on mission stayed behind to keep him company. Iruka felt so lonely and so weak.

Those same worries and doubts would plague him day in and day out. It was like an obsession. He couldn't get his brain to shut it off.

He missed Kakashi.

* * *

A part of him wanted to die he missed Kakashi so desperately. He didn't miss volatile Kakashi but the good Kakashi, the Kakashi from the beginning of their relationship. Iruka really missed that Kakashi most of all. The teasing Kakashi. The kind Kakashi. The laughing Kakashi. He missed those Kakashi.

Everywhere he looked he could remember Kakashi. Kakashi teasing him to distraction. Kakashi teasing him into a fit of rage. Kakashi's arms around him when the moon was high and no one was around to witness their- his love.

Had it all really been an elaborate lie?

What had Kakashi gained by this trickery? Had it been some strange obscure mission training exercise? How could it all have possibly been a lie?

What had been the point of it all?

Iruka couldn't understand it. But then again he wasn't a genius he was just a hard working average classed shinobi with a little bit above average IQ and some ADD which had helped him reign supreme as Prank Master over Konoha as a Genin and child and had allowed him to stay up to speed with his students. His energy. That energy that had been waning over time was at last gone. He didn't teach his students with the same warmth or energy as before. Classes had become rather dull and harsh. Iruka's zest for life seemed to be absent and the students felt it most keenly.

It was because he had been so gullible, so lonely, so desperate for a feeling of love or belonging that he had fallen victim to people like Kakashi and Mizuki.

Iruka had been taken advantage of, used, treated like trash, and for what? For being weak, for being in love, for being a nice guy, for still having some lost little boy trauma from his time as an orphan. He had needed to be wanted and loved. He had lived through such a painful devastating trauma.

He had managed to go on living but he hadn't learned to be any stronger from such an experience. And yet he couldn't just shutter his heart behind nailed boards and close his eyes to his emotions and the needs of his kids.

He had to wake up. He had to keep on living. He had to let Kakashi go.

Perhaps Iruka wasn't meant for a life of happiness with a partner, perhaps his only calling, his only meaning in life, was to be there for his students?

Iruka practiced obsessively now, even Guy-Sensei was seen hanging around Iruka even helping the teacher to better himself in technique and form and stamina. Guy-sensei for all of his weirdness had a tender heart and had much in common with Iruka in the views of his students. It was simple and easy becoming friends. They jogged together in the mornings had some serious conversations but neither one of them crossed the line into becoming something more or something other than friends.

Guy was surprisingly sensible and sensitive to Iruka and was careful not to be his usual exuberant and overly loud self around the suffering Chunin. Guy-Sensei was definitely a stand up kind of guy.

Iruka liked him despite the green outfit and the way he challenged Kakashi all the time, though lately he didn't seem to be calling Kakashi "Worthy Rival" or "Hip" or "Modern", he seemed to be rather disappointed in Kakashi but he still couldn't deny that Kakashi was the stronger and better ninja and he, Maito Guy, had to defeat him some day to prove his superiority! Not that it seemed to be happening any time soon.

* * *

**THE PRESENT**

Lady Tsunade gathered up the shinobi and non shinobi who were waiting for news of Iruka sensei. She gathered her strength and courage and looked them all in the face before she took another moment to gather the words she needed to say to them all.

"Iruka has a genetic heart problem, a defect, a hereditary and unfortunate condition. It is surprising that it didn't attack him sooner. What this means is that there is no treatment that I can do to cure him. All that could be done has been done. Iruka may need many surgeries over time and with each attack his chances of survival will decrease. His heart has been severely weakened. He will not be allowed to exert himself. His career as a teacher is at an end as is his career as a ninja."

The crowd was devastated. They raised voices asked questions demanded a miracle of her. She roared and screamed for order and tried to explain again there was nothing she could do for Iruka, nothing that anyone could do for Iruka. Iruka was now and forever going to be an invalid and dependant on a care taker and she would start a rotation chart for those that were interested in assisting Iruka for the rest of his life, which would be unfortunately a brief one. She could not foresee him living past another five or seven years.

* * *

It was devastating news for Iruka as well as for his friends and admirers.

How did Iruka expect to be independent now? Let alone raise a child, when he was condemned to the rest of his life in a bed or a wheel chair and no stress or strain or physical labors at all!

Even his teaching career was over!

Hell, he couldn't even be allowed more than an hour at a time in the missions' room taking reports!

This couldn't be happening to him. He was supposed to get stronger. Not find a new reason to rely on others!

This wasn't right.

**_This wasn't fair!_**

* * *

Kakashi felt tears prick his eyes.

Iruka didn't deserve this. How could this happen to Iruka? This wasn't right not after all that he had put Iruka through. This seemed so unjust! If anyone deserved such a punishment, such an unfair way to die, it was Kakashi!

"Don't you dare try to pity yourself Hatake!" growled Ibiki.

"I wasn't." protested Kakashi.

Ibiki's eyes narrowed, analyzing him, staring into him and then through him and then Ibiki sighed. "You're one hell of a piece of work Hatake." He growled then turned his back on the copy ninja.

What the hell was that supposed to mean? Thought Kakashi, feeling his own temper start to rise.

"For your information I was thinking about Iruka and how unfair this whole thing is for him." Hissed Kakashi, lightening crackling unintentionally. It had been a long time since Kakashi had lost control of his chakra, not since he'd been three or four, whenever he'd been ready to throw a fit or was just plain angry or ready to kill someone he'd felt the lightening rise to the surface of his skin and crackle in his eyes and hair.

"Are you really?" asked the interrogator, unmoved and cruel as ever.

Kakashi took a calming breath. Then let the lightening sink back down into his very being. He had to make amends with Iruka. He had to live with the consequences of his actions. Ibiki was simply baiting him looking for an excuse to keep him away from Iruka and from doing his penance. He had much to make up for.

He missed Iruka. He loved Iruka. He would if Iruka let him help Iruka through this difficult time and help Iruka throughout the rest of Iruka's life if Iruka would let him. But Iruka didn't seem to be wanting to cooperate with Kakashi's plans.

Iruka was being stubborn and hadn't yet accepted what this new development meant for him and for what was left of his short life on earth. Iruka was being stubborn and trying to keep Kakashi away. But Kakashi wasn't going to be going any where or be leaving Iruka alone any time soon. He had to make it up to Iruka. He had to absolve his conscience and treat his precious person with the true love and respect that he deserved.

He had to make Iruka believe him again that he still in love with him that he had always been in love with him. Why was Iruka being so difficult?!

* * *

**TBC**

* * *

Preview: coming in chapter 10

_The Mission_

_It was hard being assigned to a mission with Kakashi. Not to mention that Iruka usually didn't do many missions anyway except during school breaks which weren't often, he did an occasional mission, a short mission, easy mission to tell the truth at least while classes were in session and just enough to meet Shinobi requirement to keep their shinobi status._

_This was a mistake. How was he supposed to just keep his focus on the mission? He was going to be partnered with Kakashi!_

_Kakashi who he was still in love with and still heart sick over!_

* * *

**RECOMMENDATIONS:**

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Jumong

My Lovely Sam-Soon

**Good News for Kyo Kara Mao** fans, Funimation has taken up the contract and is releasing Season 2, disc 7, disc 8 and you got it disc 9! Oh Yeah! How awesome is that!?

But wait! It gets even better, oh Yeah it does! Kyo Kara Mao is coming to MANGA!!

Also, **Loveless** Fans at long last, Manga volume 8 has finally been released!

**Coming soon: Naruto Uncut Box Set 11** - Naruto; **DVD**  
Available for Pre-order


	10. The Will of Love

**AUHTOR NOTE**

**Most of my stories are moving to live journal... my website is coming down to make room for my eBook eManga Publishing Company's website. **

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**THANK YOU**

Does anyone have a copy of this story: "Stuck In the Middle With You. by cityneko  
I realize this author has decided to quit from fanfiction permanently, however I was wondering if anyone had saved a copy of the work and would be willing to send me a copy of it? sincerely Jazzy

"Stuck In the Middle With You. by cityneko  
Summary: Everyone needs a family & Tsunade is very good at family planning. Gaara had already found his mother in Iruka. Naruto and Sasuke will too - they just don't know it yet. Can Kakashi be the father they never had? You must be joking."

**

* * *

**

Title: MEANING  
Author: Jazzy  
Pairing: Iruka/Kakashi  
**Rating: M**

**SUMMARY: **It was supposed to be a one night stand. How was Kakashi to know that Iruka wouldn't be able to understand that? Kakashi finds that when something that was supposed to mean nothing suddenly became to mean everything to him. Iruka has meaning.

**WARNINGS:** Possible Humor, Definite Angst, darkness, drama, adventure, romance, m/m, slash, Yaoi, emotional hurts, hurt/comfort. Not Beta'd.

* * *

**Chapter Ten**

Subtitle: The Will of Love is also the Will of Fire!

"He mustn't be upset, no exertion, no sudden rise and falling of blood pressure. He cannot be allowed to get over excited or upset. He cannot be allowed to do a lot of physical labors or exertions either. His emotions must stay on an even keel. He is not to be upset at any cost! Or he will die." Instructed Tsunade severely.

"So, you're saying Iruka-Sensei's forever bed-ridden, is that what you're saying?" asked Sakura, horrified.

She was upset by such a diagnosis. Iruka was so full of life and energy. She could not recall a time in her memory when Iruka wasn't walking around the classroom or chasing after the troublemakers or yelling his head off at insubordinate jerks or lack-luster jounin.

_Crap, bed-ridden-cha as if! Iruka sensei wasn't going to sit back and lay in bed! Chah, no way! He'd need to be sedated first!_ Snorted inner Sakura.

Kakashi felt worse than ever. He'd broken Iruka's heart. He'd made Iruka fragile, frail, vulnerable. This is a physical illness brought on by heartbreak. He was certain of it.

Suddenly Tsunade bashed Kakashi in the skull. "Anybody home?!" she roared.

Kakashi blinked up from the floor at her.

"No self pity allowed." Growled the Hokage.

Kakashi winced. Pouting and rubbing his throbbing head. Did the Hokage have to be so mean?

"Kakashi, stop being so self-centered!" she roared.

"Iruka is in this condition due to a number of factors." She explained knuckles cracking in her enthusiasm to kickstart the Jounin out of another self induced depression based on his conscience recognition of guilt.

"One factor" she said gesturing with a finger "Due to the nature of family history, this may actually be of a genetic disease."

"Second factor, which may actually be more of the logical explanation reasoning as to why up until now Iruka has been perfectly healthy; perhaps some pathogen somehow got into his blood stream, and is now attacking his heart and respiratory system."

Inner Sakura felt elated. _Fingers crossed! Let it be choice number two!_ She roared.

The Hokage seeing that she still had the Jounin's full attentions continued to explain. "We are still testing this possibility. We really do hope its choice number two. If that is the case we may even be able to cure it; however, if it is due to factor one, then that brings down his chances to zero for a cure. And further lessens his survival rating."

"Now unless you were the one who attacked Iruka and fed him toxins I suggest you stop feeling somehow responsible for this whole rotten affair. From the tests I've performed, so far; I have no doubt and because of medical records within the Umino family, I do not doubt that Iruka's heart problem is the affect of an unfortunate inherited genetic disposition. But as I've stated we're still running the tests. Some hope still prevails."

"But."

"Don't but me!" growled the Hokage. "I am the Hokage! I know what's right! I know all and see all; and did I say, I know all?"

"Yes, Hokage-sama."

"That's right Hatake! Say it again."

"Hokage Sama knows all." Grunted the unhappy and miserable, wallowing in self pity jounin.

Tsunade frowned, snorted, growled then stomped off. "Be a fool Hatake. See if it gets you anywhere." She grunted.

"I want to help Iruka-sensei." Pleaded Kakashi.

The Hokage stopped mid stomp turned back around to impale Kakashi with a less than friendly glowering brown eye. "I hope you mean that Kakashi. I really do. However I don't think now is a good time for you to help Iruka-sensei. You can't help the effects you have on him, and none if it good."

Kakashi trembled and deflated. "I have an obligation… I … I love Iruka. I have to make up for before, for my reprehensible behavior."

Tsunade glared but once his words sank in Tsunade's face softened. "Fine. Do what you can, but do not, under any circumstances, upset Iruka! You could kill him!"

"Yes, Hokage sama."

Ibiki again made that gesture with his fingers, pointer and middle in the sign of the vee, aiming from his eyes to Kakashi's eye. Ibiki's eyes glared fiercely into Kakashi's one visible eye. "I've got my eye on you, scumbag" he seemed to be saying with his expression and hand gesture.

Kakashi nodded his understanding.

Like Ibiki-sama, Naruto would keep a close eye on Kakashi and his new interactions with Iruka-sensei, even if all Kakashi did was be a nurse maid and slave to Iruka's every whim.

Naruto didn't want Kakashi and Iruka to get back together. Kakashi had caused Iruka a lot of pain in the past. Kakashi was unforgiveable in how he had treated Naruto's Iruka-sensei.

Naruto glared at the pervert jounin that was still his current sensei. He was determined to have the last say on the matter even though Ibiki and Tsunade-baachan had put down the rules and the law voicing most of what Naruto believed.

"Fine, we'll see how this goes. You really want to help Iruka-sensei? I'll believe it when I see it. Yeah, good luck getting Iruka-ni to trust you again let alone allow you within ten inches of his bare skin."

"I'm warning ya, Bakashi-Teme-Lazy-Bum, if you hurt my Iruka-sensei again, I'll murderlise you this time. I'll make you die a million times over for every wound you inflict on Iruka-sensei and I get the feeling Ibiki will assist me! Dattebayo!"

_"Oooh",_ Groaned Kakashi, _"Why did the kid have to be so loud_? _Still nursing a hang-over here_. Inner Kakashi pouted.

Kakashi tried his best to continue to look cool on the outside even though his clothes kind of gave him away with how they were rumpled; and Kakashi seemed to be slouching more so and even had a queerer look in his eye more so than usual.

* * *

Iruka glared out of his bedroom window feeling somehow isolated and alone again. Iruka was determined to get stronger. He was going to put Kakashi far far behind him. He would survive a life without Kakashi in it.

He'd been so determined to shove that part of his life in a coffin and nail it shut and bury it a hundred miles deep to never revisit it ever again in memory or in his heart. Kakashi and that life with Kakashi had ended, it was dead to Iruka.

And yet…

Kakashi wanted to come barging back in to his life and serve him as his nurse!

Kakashi wanted forgiveness!

Kakashi wanted it all back to where it was before he'd thrown it all away like trash! Thrown Iruka away as if Iruka had been little more than a passing amusement, a chewed up and spat out piece of snicker's bar tossed along with the wrapper to the side of the road!

Forgiveness wasn't going to come that easily to Kakashi from him. Kakashi had devastated and destroyed him. Kakashi had killed something inside of Iruka and forced back into place all those old walls he'd managed to tear down in his growth from orphaned adolescent to early adult. He had grown so that he could become a loving and more human Iruka. So that he could be there for those kids that would need him and for his village that needed him as well. Now those walls as well as this illness would keep him away from his village and from those kids who had need of him.

Iruka was determined to survive this disease and to continue to live his life the way he wanted to live it. He hadn't survived all those tests and all those missions to become and stay an Academy teacher and shinobi; he hadn't survived Kakashi, just for it all to end like this.

He had survived Kakashi.

He had survived the break up and the months of self torture, grief, and Naruto's hovering. He had grown as a person. He had tried to make himself strong through physical labors and long insomniac nights of arguing with himself in philosophical debates over what was love and what was not love, what was a shinobi and what was not shinobi.

Iruka had come to terms and had grown stronger even if part of that growth had also cost him the warmer parts of his heart.

He was determined to live. He did not survive all of that hell just to let some stupid genetic disease, or whatever it was, come around and finish him off just as he was about to move on with his life!

He continued to glare out the window and felt his body tremble has his heart spiked with his emotions. A nurse came in and treated him like a fragile piece of glass. She smiled at him while her eyes showed terror and worry that he was about to drop dead on her watch and under her hands.

He almost laughed at her but by the time the thoughts of bitter laughter came to mind the medication was taking affect and his mind was drifting. His thoughts were disbanding and turning into disjointed incomprehensible fluff.

He smiled at her instead and if in the future someone even tried to press him to remember what he had said at that moment he would not be able to recall it at all, but if the nurse was asked she could recall it quite well.

"I love you Kashi. I love you Naru-chan." Sigh hug, sigh hug, touchy feely moment. "I even love you, nurse lady with the worried eyes. Yes, I love Konoha." It was the good drugs. They tended to do that a lot to people. It could turn even a scrooge into the warmest kindest Christmas spirited person in the world. Yes, great drugs.

Yeah, Iruka was flying high on dope of the legal and good variety. He even broke out into a soft woeful tune, lilting verse after verse in a sweet voice overflowing with sorrow, it was such a sad yet beautiful lullaby, something about cranes, grace of limbs, coldness of night, and a baby well loved but left behind while its mother tended to the gathering of seaweed, rice, and fish.

Iruka even sang a death song about lovers dying tragically, about duties of Samurai and Ninja and the different worlds they lived in. He dreamed of things that his mind couldn't quite grasp and would not remember come consciousness.

* * *

_**The Mission**_

_It was hard being assigned to a mission with Kakashi. Not to mention that Iruka usually didn't do many missions anyway except during school breaks which weren't often, he did an occasional mission, a short mission, easy mission to tell the truth at least while classes were in session and just enough to meet Shinobi requirement to keep their shinobi status._

_This was a mistake. How was he supposed to just keep his focus on the mission? He was going to be partnered with Kakashi!_

_Kakashi who he was still in love with and still heart sick over!_

Iruka kept his face carefully neutral. He tried not to really react to Kakashi. He was a professional and he would do his job. No doubt Kakashi would do also his job in a professional manner as well. And of course there would be no mission sex, hell no. Iruka wasn't going to give in to the cruel and sexy Jounin, not this time, not ever again.

It had been simple self delusional in the beginning when Kakashi had become distant from him. It had been easy to lie to himself and excuse everything as mission related or report related or teaching his chunins-to-be related. There had been so many excuses he'd made for Kakashi and his treatment of him.

Iruka had foolishly loved Kakashi. Had felt Kakashi was supposed to be the one great love of his life. The one he was supposed to be with at the end of his life.

He was bitter at how wrong he had been. His heart breaking, painfully. He had been wrong so very wrong about Kakashi and his relationship. How could he have allowed himself to be so naïve after everything he'd been through in his life?

After the betrayal of Mizuki?

Iruka could tell that Kakashi sincerely never expected to see Iruka again let alone share a mission with him. They'd both been careful to avoid each other

Kakashi had been careful to laugh it up with his fellow jounin and special jounin. Careful to sneer and make it evident to all and everybody that Iruka had meant very little to nothing to Kakashi, just a minor distraction; just a one night stand, just an itch that was satisfied, and satisfied poorly, after all with one stick already lodged in there, there was hardly room for another!

They had laughed at that one, laughed derisively alongside of their favorite hero, their copy-nin. Iruka hid his glare and his pain from his mission partner.

Kakashi didn't seem to have the decency to realize how much he had wronged and hurt Iruka. Nor did he seem to have the moral cognition to figure out he had a lot of apologizing to do to Iruka.

Iruka refused to share rations or to make the trip an easy or comfortable one for Kakashi. They spent very little time speaking to one another or spending time in each other's company. The nights were cold. The days were windy and rainy. Both parties suffered from the oppressive silence and depressive atmosphere.

Kakashi pretended not to see how gaunt or frail Iruka was looking lately. He tried to deny that bad feeling in his gut, that one feeling known as guilt. He was guilty of hurting a comrade. He felt like scum. He hated seeing Iruka like this. He had tried to deny his feelings. He had tried to forget the warmth Iruka had grown in him.

He tried to forget the feelings of comfort and just being together. He tried to forget the feel of Iruka's arms around his waist or the feel of Iruka's lips on his own. He tried to forget what Iruka looked like with his hair down. He had tried to forget the light and inner shine Iruka had.

Iruka had the kind of light that seemed to be made up of the very same material as the very sun overhead in the morning sky. That light cleansed and warmed and filled a hole inside of Kakashi. A hole that seemed to be growing and aching with more cold then he had ever remembered there being ever before.

Iruka was being protected lately, more so now then ever before. His colleagues mother-henned him and took special care of him and glared daggers at arrogant shinobi who laughed at Iruka or tried to bed what the great copy-nin had already slept with and dumped like a bit of trash on the side of the road.

Kakashi could see the devastation he'd inflicted on Iruka. He was a pale shadow of what he once had been. Even the inner light seemed to have dimmed. Iruka looked more shadow then bronzed flesh. The shadows covered Iruka and hid him from the world even from the eyes of his yearning team mate.

It was said Iruka was still teaching at the Academy but his life was in ruins. Parents speculated about him and worried about the kind of influence he had on their kids now. His job was in jeopardy.

It was said Kakashi had done a good job of destroying Iruka. All of it because of some deficit in Kakashi, some deficiency in his heart that made it impossible for him to fall in love.

On their mission together Iruka was remote, distant, he followed orders but he didn't engage Kakashi in conversation or in anything, not even mission sex. Food was served and prepared quietly and eaten separately. Iruka did all that he could to keep away from Kakashi.

Kakashi felt like some particular insect like a cockroach or something. Iruka knew how to twist the knife in Kakashi's heart and soul. But how could that be when Kakashi didn't have a heart? Kakashi was confused and depressed.

He knew the sooner they had this job finished the sooner they could each go their separate ways and pretend that the other didn't exist and go on with their lives separately.

The mission was successful in one respect and a total failure in another. Iruka bundled the orphaned child in a blanket and carried her home with them. The child was should have been killed with the rest of her family but Iruka hadn't let him do it. Of course there shouldn't have been witnesses to begin with. This was supposed to be a simple information gathering mission, instead it had ended up being some sort of ambush.

"They're our enemies." He said to Iruka in as cold and as remote a voice as he could.

"She's a child." Said Iruka in his 'do not you dare argue with me' voice. It was a shock that Iruka still had that kind of power over Kakashi to make him back down. Usually their arguments by this point would get out of hand and blood was usually shed. But they had been separate from each other for the last few months and tempers were not so frayed as they once had been.

It was good that Iruka was now strong enough to argue again. It was good that Iruka stuck to his ethics and morals and wasn't about to back down.

Kakashi almost felt relieved. Maybe it had been a good thing that they had parted ways. It had made Iruka a stronger person. And yet, why did Iruka still look so ill? Why did Iruka still affect him so? He wanted to argue he wanted to get physical he wanted to rip Iruka's clothes off and swallow him down and bite and nip and mark him as his.

He loved that fire in Iruka's eyes. He loved the determined set of his jaw. The shoulders back spine straight stance going unconsciously into defense and ready to attack mode. It made his blood burn with desire for Iruka seeing his chunin so fired up like this.

The child was pleasant company surprisingly once her trauma settled. She was a quiet mouse of a thing. Her hair was bright purple, her eyes a shade of blue Kakashi couldn't quite describe that hovered in between cold and opaque.

Iruka hovered over her every minute of every day. He kept her warm and cuddled against his body. Iruka kept her tied to his back when her little feet could not bare her weight any longer, or he tied her to his chest, keeping her warm and safe in his arms and making Kakashi feel irrationally jealous that Iruka's arms were warm and protective around her and not around him while they ran from their pursuers.

He had never missed Iruka more than during that mission. When Konoha came into view Iruka gave him a curt nod then departed his company as swiftly as possible, leaving the report for Kakashi to write up.

Iruka never looked back at Kakashi as he ran for him home new daughter securely in his arms. He was glad Iruka hadn't looked at him because over the period of the mission what few times they'd managed eye contact Kakashi had to admit Iruka's eyes scared him.

Kakashi shivered chilled. Kakashi felt oddly bereft and he couldn't figure out why.

* * *

The present

The little girl was now curled up against her foster father. She looked at Kakashi in suspicion. She had yet to forgive him for having suggested her death, plus she didn't like him near Iruka at all. She was possessive a little thing as Naruto was. What was that genin teaching her anyway?

The girl had been a quiet mouse-like little thing but now between Iruak's influences and Naruto's influences, she glared at Kakashi and even growled at him as if she were a security hound. Her eyes glowed with a coldness that made Kakashi's bones suddenly ache with half forgotten memories of his time in the snow country.

Kakashi sighed and settled into his chair next to the bed. Iruka was sound asleep thankfully to the drugs. Kakashi had no doubt that come time for the drugs to wear off Kakashi was going to hear an ear full.

Namely that Iruka wasn't going to give in and let Kakashi assuage his conscience. But two could play the stubborn game. Kakashi wasn't going to back down. Kakashi was going to win his love-dolphin back if it killed him and if it meant eating humble pie, begging, groveling, being tortured by Ibiki sama and the Hokage both combined than so be it. Kakashi would take his torture like a shinobi and hopefully at the end of it, at the end of the dark tunnel he would win the light.

He would win Iruka back because Iruka was his. Iruka would always belong to him and be his. Iruka would come around and forgive him eventually. Kakashi knew Iruka. He knew that Iruka was still in love with him. Iruka like Kakashi had never forgotten the feeling they had between them. That connection that no one else could ever give them.

Iruka would be his again.

Count on it

* * *

**TBC**

* * *

**Next chapter: Shizune pursues Iruka!**

Will Iruka give in and let her sweep him off his feet? Will Kakashi do murder in the name of love; keeping the dolphin of love for himself?

* * *

**Recommendation:** films Third Man Out and Ice Blue: _the Donald Strachey Mysteries_ starring Chad Allen and Sebastian Spence, on the HERE! Network. If you are of age subscribe to the Here! Network for a month and you can watch these really cute, interesting films. Third Man Out is also available on DVD and you can rent it at NetFlix. Warning though, there is a very hot very fleshy ten minutes in Third Man Out, so beware if you are not of age or if you are not comfortable with sexy fleshy moments. ^_^

**AUTHOR NOTE**

**Most of my stories are moving to live journal... my website is coming down to make room for my eBook eManga Publishing Company's website. **

**If you have a manuscript you would like to submit, manga or novel, please feel free to email us at** _gemini78 (at) live . com_

**or go to our temporary home:** http://www. e-fic . com / jazzy2may/ home . htm** for information on our company.**

**or I can be reached through PM, I can also be reached at my LJ** http: // jazzy2may . livejournal. com/ **or by E-Mail:** mizukiruhoh (at) hotmail . com

**Cahrities still supported and we encourage folks to DONATE To Some Worthy Causes: ****Donate dollars or donate your time or some blankets or food! http: // www. e-fic . com / jazzy2may/ donate_2_worthy_causes . htm**

**THANK YOU**

Does anyone have a copy of this story: "Stuck In the Middle With You. by cityneko  
I realize this author has decided to quit from fanfiction permanently, however I was wondering if anyone had saved a copy of the work and would be willing to send me a copy of it? sincerely Jazzy

"Stuck In the Middle With You. by cityneko  
Summary: Everyone needs a family & Tsunade is very good at family planning. Gaara had already found his mother in Iruka. Naruto and Sasuke will too - they just don't know it yet. Can Kakashi be the father they never had? You must be joking."


	11. Shizune in Love

Title: MEANING  
Author: Jazzy  
Pairing: Iruka/Kakashi  
**Rating: M**

**Thank you** for your reviews. I appreciate it. Every review helps me to make this story a better one, and to bring my focus on the important matters of the characterizations. Every comment or thought or notice helps me to make this story better. Thank you once again to my loyal readers! You guys rock!  
Thank you. :D  
Jazzy

**WARNINGS:** Possible Humor, Definite Angst, darkness, drama, adventure, romance, m/m, slash, Yaoi, emotional hurts, hurt/comfort. Not Beta'd.

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* * *

**Chapter Eleven**

**Shizune thinks to net herself a dolphin!**

Shizune looked good standing next to Iruka. They always had some chemistry, either as a sister and brother or as one of those types of couples that could be twin to each other in looks and styles. Shizune had always liked Iruka's long hair opposite of her short hair and his professional attitude similar to her own, as well as his smile and sense of humor.

Iruka had a great, compassionate and kind heart. A heart she always believed better suited to medical field then to ninja, but then again that was probably why Iruka had chosen the teaching profession rather than active shinobi duty. They suited one another well and she believed they would make a great couple. Iruka deserved some happiness as did Shizune.

Shizune had noticed the bruises the furtive unusual behavior Iruka had suffered these past few months and the pain in his eyes after his current relationship had ended. It made her heart ache for him. She loved him. He had deserved better than to be treated so ill by Hatake.

Hatake and Umino, boy that had been quite a shocker for her as well as for the others that had witnessed Iruka's and Hatake's last argument with one another as well as Hatake's behavior in the Hospital.

There had been whispers for years, rumors, about Iruka's relationship with Mizuki and the fact that Iruka had never been seen dating anyone of the female persuasion. Was Iruka irreversibly gay?

Shizune hoped not. She loved Iruka. She wanted to be his lover and maybe someday his wife. She had dreams of them living a shinobi family life with four or five little kids, joyful, loud, laughing kids and Iruka's loving gaze focused on her and their little family.

Kakashi stood in the way of that dream becoming a reallity. Iruka scowled at his self appointed nurse. Hatake would not be moved. he was stubbornly clinging to Iruka trying to make the injured and betrayed chunin rethink his decision and rethink renewing their relationship. Shizune fretted, bit her lip, then bravely made her way to the two men.

"Hatake-san, Umino-san is uncomfotable with you. For his health I would ask that you please allow the medical staff to care for him while he is here in this facility recovering." insisted Shizune politely.

Hatake pouted. "But I want to be Iruka's nurse. I want to take care of him and nurse him to health."

"You agitate him and that is not a healthy state of being to be in when trying to heal." Shizune chastized.

Hatake was still very reluctant to let the sensei out of his clutches. but Shizune butted in and with her hip bumped him out of the way freeing up the wheel chair's handlebars then she posessively wrapped her fists around the bars and trundled the grateful Iruka off to his newest session with Tsunade-sama.

* * *

TBC

* * *

more apologies for the long wait and the shortness of the chapter.

Chapter Twelve in the works!

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	12. Shizune, the Rival of Kakashi

**Chapter Twelve**

**Shizune the Rival of Kakashi!**

Kakashi must prove his love and his intentions. But how? He was stumped. And thenthere was Shizune. He knew if he tried topick a fiht with her, from experience, Iruka would get very upset with him and then relapse. He oculdn't afford to lose Iruka over something as stupid as his rivalry with Shizune. He owuld not let it cost him his lovely Iruka forever.

Iruka's heart is frail in more ways than one: Iruka is still ailing, dying, getting worse with every month that passes.

I always let him down. Iruka had been the one to feel so much pride and love in their relationship whereas Kakashi had only wanted to hide it away. He hadn't wanted anyone to see him as less than the man that he was and now that pride had cost him. His shallowness and selfishness had cost him Iruka, it had cost him his own self respect and the respect of his students and some of his peers though for more reasons then he cared to think on.

Yes, some of his fears had been realized and had even come to pass but those friends who had been worth anything at all had still stuck by him though they frowned on him now days and not for the reasons he had thought they would in the first place. No, they were disappointed in him for being a human being with human failings, for being a coward when he should have been brave.

If he had stood up and stood by Iruka's side.

There were now so many things he wished he could undo. He wished he could go back in time and tell his stubborn head to listen to his locked away heart. He wished he could convince Iruka to give him another chance.

Iruka.

Pain stabbed his heart.

My Iruka.

Again the pain throbbed.

My love.

So much pain and guilt and shame, it felt like he was dying.

Remembering the kind of bastard he had been to Iruka; he knew it was hopeless that Iruka would ever love him again, not that he deserved Iruka's love, but he yearned for it.

He sat in his tree his Icha Icha open but no pages turning. His eyes were focused inward.

He remembered Iruka's smile.

He remembered Iruka's pride in his students. He remembered how Iruka would talk of his students during their supper together. How jealous he would feel and be angry at himself for feeling such intense jealousy.

* * *

Memories

Iruka was placing a fork full of veggies into his mouth while chatteringon about his day and his experiences at the Academy and withhis current class of students.

Jealousy burned but Iruka wasn't supposed to mean anything to him.

He remembered Iruka stopped mid word, his eyes growing wide with fear as Kakashi's chakra rose in a wave of intense dark emotion. Iruka stuttered gasped as Kakashi threw his plate of food at Iruka's head. Iruka managed to duck just in time but it only enraged Kakashi more.

This chunin, this nobody dared to defy him?! This one night-stand-fuck that he couldn't get out of his system dared to talk of his students, like Kakashi even cared what Iruka did for a living, the only thing Iruka was good for was playing little miss homemaker and warming Kakashi's bed.

Why couldn't Iruka just shut-up? Why couldn't the damned Chunin know his place and stay in his place? Why did Iruka have to try and make this more then what it is?

Kakashi didn't want to know about Iruka's day or his students or anything other then that Iruka wanted to spread eagle and take it like his bitch should.

Kakashi trembled with shame and sickness recalling this particular moment in time. Especially, when Kakashi remembered the next part of it, Iruka's blood and tears were stark in his memory. The look of terror and pain on the little chunin's face his shock at Kakashi's betrayal and forcefulness.

Iruka's naked battered, bruised, and used body had curled up into a little ball on the bed they had shared. Iruka had trembled for a long time after, biting his lip to keep from weeping, while Kakashi had lain there on his usual side of the bed and done nothing to comfort him. He had told Iruka to keep it quiet he had a mission in the morning and if Iruka wouldn't be silent, he'd get up and leave him rather then stay the night with him.

Iruka had somehow found the strength to stop shaking and stilled and turned even more quiet and tentively reached over to hug Kakashi and hold him in his sleep. Kakashi let him this time, just this once and Iruka had sighed with adoration.

He whispered fiercely. "I love you. I'll do better. I promise. I won't make you regret choosing me."

Kakashi had almost growled a response of, "I already do," but just barely managed to keep it walled up and behind clenched teethe. He instead combed his fingers through Iruka's loose long hair and stared into the darkness of their room. Smelling Iruka's scent, mixed with his own, pain and sex and blood.

How could Iruka say that he loved him?

It had almost brought on another round of rage but something in him forced it back. It was a strange feeling this emotion that had suddenly come over him, this weird mix of compassion and kindness and butterflies in his stomach. He couldn't love Iruka. He could only possess him and use him and yet that softness, that warmth spread out from that unknown place inside Kakashi and compelled him to gently hold Iruka during the rest of the night.

Iruka hadn't understood what had happened but he had accepted that it had somehow been Iruka's fault and Iruka had tried so hard to make up for it. But it had never been Iruka's fault. All those times that Kakashi had lost control, all those times, Kakashi had been monstrous to Iruka.

It was as if someone other then Kakashi had taken over his mind, some kind of monster had ruled his and Iruka's life together. Even now Kakashi could hardly believe, even as he remembered every painful memory and searched for something to redeem him, to fight for Iruka with, but he couldn't find anything just the painful memories of the monster he had been.

end memories

* * *

Kakashi glared at Shizune. She was pushing Iruka in his wheel chair, flirting with him like crazy and Iruka, that oblivious baka couldn't seem to see it for what it was. Shizune didn't have simple affection on her mind, oh, no that smart little vixen, she was going to strike while the iron was still hot. She now had her chance and she was going to take it for all that it was worth.

Pakkun and the Pack were out and about looking after Iruka and accompanying Tsunade's little assistant, making both ninja laugh at their antics. Kakashi had them on mission to personally see to Iruka's recovery themselves since Kakashi so far hadn't been allowed any where near Iruka, well at least not alone, Shizune was always there interfering or some of Iruka's more rabid students.

Kakashi was not going to get a chance to make amends if things kept going like this. Iruka looked better then he had looked in a while. Still pale and gaunt from the sickness but his eyes were a little more lively, a little more back to being like the once had been. Iruka's will was not entirely broken. Iruka was truly trying to move on. Kakashi didn't want him to. He wanted Iruka to fight for their love. He wanted Iruka to let him back in. He wanted to do right by Iruka and no one was letting him.

* * *

At least with the pack on the case there was no way that Shizune would have her wicked way with an unsuspecting and naïve little dolphin. Kakashi was patting himself on the back a little too prematurely.

Naruto and his little sister came sneaking up on the unsuspecting Kakashi-sensei.

"You know, Kakashi," said Naruto coming out of no where, a glint of malice in his usually bright and kind sapphire eyes.

Kakashi almost fell out of his place on the tree branch, his book, though, was a lost cause.

"If I didn't despise you so much I'd almost feel sorry for you." Continued Naruto as if Kakashi hadn't gone apoplectic and lost control of himself. Naruto was very observant now days. Of course that was because he was trying too hard to keep Iruka safe from abusive jerks like Kakashi.

"You really seem quite love sick lately. I mean if I can forgive Sasuke for abandoning then returning to the leaf village, for abandoning me, the guy he loves, then maybe, well I think, that is if you truly work hard and mend your ways, I can eventually forgive you to. If you want to get back with Iruka you know what you've got to do."

"Such as?" asked the narrow eyed and suspicious jounin.

Naruto smirked and would have said it but his little sister beat him to it in her quiet voice, her dark eyes glinting with the blackest deepest pools seething revenge.

"Announce to the world, that you're Iruka-sensei's Bitch."

Kakashi fell from his tree branch this time. How had a four year old or was it a six year old learn such language? And should Kakashi tell Iruka that his daughter had been badly influenced by a potty-mouthed Naruto-kun?

The two Umino-adoptees smirked at the flattened Kakashi then laughed chillingly.

"He'll never do it." challenged little Hoshi.

Naruto grinned back, it was less foxy and less Naruto and more, well, toothy predator. "You're probably right. He's a coward. There's no way he'd do it."

Kakashi dusted himself off, picke dup his fallen Icha Icha and dusted that off as well then quickly secured it inside his uniform for future reading. Then he gathered up his chakra and climbed back up the tree to meet once more with his little antagonists and to get to the bottom of why they were trying to bug him and keep him from his Dolphin watching.

"All right spill it. What do you want me to do." He growled.

The two brats exchanged knowing looks and smirked even more widely at Kakashi. Naruto handed Kakashi a little slip of paper with directions on it.

"Be there or consider your pursuit of Iruka a lost cause, and whatever respect you hope to gain back from me and mine, with it."

Kakashi glared at the thorn in his side. Naruto had always been a giant pain in his ass, even when he'd been dating Iruka under the radar, Naruto had tried to break them up, hell Naruto had tried to keep them apart from each other acting more like a needy brat then the self possessed chunin he was.

"Oh, I'll be there. No challenge ever goes unanswered, nor a mission rejected." Hissed Kakashi.

"Good." Said the brats then with a vamp of smoke and leaves the two Umino-adoptees disappeared and Kakashi was left to read the note to garner further details on his mission.

Kakashi's eyes widened in disbelief,

what the….

A radio Station?!

What have I gotten myself into?

The note reads:

Be there, _on time_. This station is one that Iruka listens to every morning. My cohorts and I will make sure the whole village is listening. Be there or lose everything. Loser!

Dattebayo!

p.s.: Map quest on back. So you don't lose your way on the road of loserdom.

Kids these days, Kakashi whimpered, so cruel.

But Kakashi burned with the fires of determination. He would be there and yes he would be there on time. He'd spill his guts live on radio if that's what it took to get Iruka back to being his own again.

* * *

The dogs were bringing back some of his fonder memories with Kakashi. But he had to stop remembering those memories, they had been lies.

How could it all have been a lie? It had all felt so real. Maybe it was rather that Kakashi had wanted it all to be lies and it hadn't been? Perhaps it was that Kakashi had lied to himself all of that time, and that Kakashi truly did love and still loved Iruka?

No matter though, for now all that was left were memories that stabbed at his head and heart like a pair of Kunai. Iruka couldn't afford to second guess himself now. He had to move on. He had to get over Kakashi. He was not going to waste his life on a man that was so afraid of the truth and of his own emotions that he turns violent on the one he loves-hates.

Iruka had been so thoroughly used and so thoroughly mistaken and taken in by Kakashi's charms. Yet Iruka missed Kakashi's teasing. He missed Kakashi's arms around him. He missed Kakashi terribly, even now, even after he had finally made up his mind and decided to move past it all, and to get on with what little life remained to him.

Still he couldn't seem to forget Kakashi. He couldn't keep Kakashi off of his mind or out of his heart.

But he had to move on.

And yet, what was that old saying? The Heart Wants what the Heart wants… or was it the Heart Loves Who the Heart Loves? Either saying, it was bad for Iruka because his damned stubborn heart still loved Kakashi.

How could Iruka have fallen so hard for all those lies, for the lie that had been their lives together? How could he love somebody that loathed himself so much?

How could he live with himself knowing how weak he was to the wiles of Kakashi Hatake.

Shizune squeezed his shoulder as if sensing where his melancholy thoughts had wandered to. "I'm here for you, Iruka-san." She whispered her heart in her eyes and voice.

Iruka felt sad. How could he let Shizune down? Why couldn't he let Shizune into his heart? She was a good woman. She was his twin in just about every way. They held the same values and each had much to offer the other, they were excellent team mates when it came to tag-teaming the Hokage and Shizune could give him children.

Children that would be able to pass on the Umino bloodlines, not that blood really mattered to Iruka. He loved his students and loved children in general. It didn't matter to him if he adopted or had natural children he would love them equally and the same, as a father should love his children.

Kakashi, what kind of spell did you put on me? Can this jutsu be broken? Must I die in such terrible pain? My body hurts but it holds nothing in comparison to the pain in my soul, and in my heart.

Kakashi release me.

Kakashi never let me go.

Kakashi.

Kakashi.

* * *

Shizune reached over with a handkerchief of silk and dabbed at the tears that were like streams running freely and flowing down Iruka's round high cheekbones. Seeing him in such pain tore at her heart. She reached for her medical kit. She wanted to help him, ease whatever pain he was suffering. But Iruka managed to catch her hands in his weak trembling ones.

"Don't, its not my body, but my soul."

Shizune nodded. "I understand." She whispered, her own heart sinking and breaking with the realization. She would never win Iruka for herself.

Iruka's heart belonged to a man unworthy of him. She wished it wasn't so. She wanted to shake Iruka and make him see sense, but she knew as he knew the heart only loved who the heart loved. It could seek solace and comfort in another's heart but its true love was its own desire, and one never had any control over what the heart truly desired.

"Thank you, Shizune-san." Iruka replied gently, he could readher so well. He knew her as he knew himself. He knew that she knew and that she would accept it. They were meant for friendship and only that.

* * *

TBC - coming soon!

* * *

My personal goal with this story was 20 chapters, but I do not think we will get there. It seems the conclusion is coming faster then I thought it would. (not to say its coming in the next chapter, because its not) Darn you MUSE! I wanted to do 20 chapters!

Oh well, I guess there's always Fragile Doll or some other of my interesting stories… hmmm, I know how about Search and Rescue? Yeah let's try that one! 20 chapters, 20 chapters, come on 20 chapters, say it with me! ^_^

Review, you know you want to! ~_^

Hit the review button after the evil laughter

BWA

HA

HAHA

HA!


	13. Transmissions of the Heart

Title: MEANING  
Author: Jazzy  
Pairing: Iruka/Kakashi  
**Rating: M**

**SUMMARY: **It was supposed to be a one night stand. How was Kakashi to know that Iruka wouldn't be able to understand that? Kakashi finds that when something that was supposed to mean nothing suddenly became to mean everything to him. Iruka has meaning.

**WARNINGS:** Possible Humor, Definite Angst, darkness, drama, adventure, romance, m/m, slash, Yaoi, emotional hurts, hurt/comfort. Not Beta'd.

* * *

**Chapter thirteen**

**_Transmissions of the Heart_**

**RADIO KONOHA**

Kakashi looked at the sign and shivered. He had a bad feeling about this.

"The Green Beast of Love, Coming To You Live, My Youthful and Faithful Listeners. Today We Have a Hip and Modern Love Story, A Man on a Mission to Prove His Love in the Spring Time of Youth! Yosh! Manly Tears Have Over Powered Me and For A Moment I Am Speechless."

Kakashi shivered as he heard the radio waves, every radio was on and tuned in to Radio Konoha, "The Hour of Love" hour. For a man overpowered by manly emotion or whatnot and SpringTime of Youth and blab blab bla, Maito Guy never seemed to shut up.

"My Hip and Happening Rival, as Usual Your Coolness Precedes You! As You Are Now Five Minutes Past The Hour and Late on the Road of Love. Listen Well My Youthful and Happening Crowd of Listeners, Kakashi Hatake Will Be Here With to Confess His Undying Love in the Spring Time of his Cool, Hip and Awesomeness of Youth, after these our Sponsors commercials"

* * *

"Noodles, Noodles," sang the jingle. "A Heavenly Treat, in a Cup, in a Bowl, Ramen for ALL."

"Noodles, Noodles, Chicken or Beef broth, a Heavenly Treat in a Cup, in a Bowl, in the Microwave its all good. Flavors of all kinds, sweet and spicy too, even flavors of the sea, shrimp and even Miso!"

"Noodles, Noodles," sang the jingle. "A Heavenly Treat, in a Cup, in a Bowl, Ramen for ALL."

"Come to Ichiraku Ramen Stand, Fresh Ramen takes the cake. Ichiraku's world famous and undefeated champion in Ninja swiftness and delicacy." And on and on went the ramen commercials.

* * *

Again Hatake Kakashi shivered, of course it had to be ramen sponsored, no wonder Iruka listened to the show, if anything Ramen was in fact Iruka's and Naruto's true love both. How was a man supposed to compete with Ramen?

_Its just nerves Kakashi, shake it off. Do you want to win back Iruka's love or do you want to wither and die and be the dirt under everyone's feet for the next thirty years? _

He took another breath and another breath and then forced his feet to walk, one foot in front of the other step by step until he hit the glass door and bruised his nose then he cursed the door then opened it wide and again forced his feet to carry him unsteadily onward to meet his truly horrifying fate. But it would all be worth it, the pain, the torment, the torture of Maito Guy in Green Spandex and his Glaringly White and Sparkly Smiles and his Good Guy stances and his terribly cliché Thumbs Up poses.

It would all be worth it to have Iruka's love again, to regain what little bit of respect he'd lost in the eyes of his peers and students and in the glaring eyes of Iruka's friends.

"AND WELCOME BACK MY YOUTHFUL LISTENERS! YOSH. HATAKE KAKASHI HAS FINALLY ENTERED THE BUILDING."

Elvis Presley's "Aint Nothing But A Hound Dog" roared over the airwaves, then came to a sudden and painfully screeching death as Kakashi let a little bit of Chidori loose on Guy's Sound System.

"Ah, uh huh" chuckled Guy. "My Hip and Cool Rival, How Modern of You. Yes, You Are Quite Right! Let The Confession, The Transmissions of The Heart, Begin!"

* * *

A long, long, silence filled the air waves and then came a nervous sound like that of a cough or the clearing of a throat.

"I See, My Honored Rival, Even You" Sob! Sob! "Suffer Such Pains as Stage Fright!" Manful weeping continues. "But Don't You Worry my Rival, There is Nothing to Fear. Let your Heart Speak Out and Tell Your Loved One the Truth! Spring Time is not a Time to Waste on Such Human Frailties as Fear."

There was a sudden cry of pain as Maito Guy was forced into quick and sudden silence.

"HATAKE KAKASHI FEARS NOTHING." Growled Kakashi, teeth clenched as he tried to speak through the sudden gag in his throat.

"Except" Here Kakashi's voice faltered. A deep breath. A tremble in his voice. "Except Losing Iruka Umino's Love." Kakashi sounded as if he were fighting back tears.

A long pause as air was taken in then let out in a long stream of practiced breathing exercises.

"Iruka, I've wronged you. I know there is little I can do to make you forgive me. But I want you to know. And I am telling you the TRUTH, that I… That I, Kakashi Hatake, the fearsome and feared, the infamous super pervert, the so called great copy ninja, Hatake of a thousand Jutsu, Loves You. I Love You, Iruka, and I regret the way I treated you. I am lower then scum."

"I am an ally who has turned his back on his one and only ally, the one he can trust above all others and all things, the one whose heart is the one he comes to return to. Your Heart Iruka is the Heart that I Return to. I swear to you Iruka, that I have changed, I will go to anger management, I will go to counseling, I am telling the whole world or at least all of Konoha, right now, that I, Hatake Kakashi, am a Gay Man, A Homosexual Man, a Man who Loves and is in love with Iruka Umino Sensei, his heart mate and soul mate, his brother in arms, his ally, his partner."

"Iruka I know that this announcement will do little to soften your resolve or your heart towards me, but I hope you are listening and I hope you will give me a chance to prove myself to you, and to let me make up to you all the wrongs I have committed in the name of my fear and self loathing."

"As you know Iruka, this is the longest I've ever talked. My throat hurts but I am willing to spill my heart and soul, all of my guts out here on this Radio station on the airwaves for all of Konoha and for your ears alone to listen to me, Iruka. I will talk until my throat bleeds. I will talk until I am raw and cannot say another word. I want to make a confession to you and I hope you will hear it."

"I love you."

"I really, really, love you."

"I want another chance. I want to stand tall and stand with you. I want to be able to look you in the eye and myself in the mirror. I want to be forgiven but I know how unworthy I am of it and how unlikely I am to receive it. Have revenge on me, tell me what terms I need to follow to make you mine again."

"Call me Coward, call me Baka, call me Pervert. But Iruka, please, let me return to your side. Torture me if you want to. Put me under Ibiki's instruments, hell let Ibiki torture me for as long as it takes to make you forgive me, I'll endure it if it means I can return to you, if you will have me again by your side. I…I guess I have to let the commercials go on, but I am here and I will wait for your call. I love you Iruka Umino. Sincerely, and Truly. This is Kakashi Hatake and I will listen for your phone call Iruka."

_"Noodles, Noodles," sang the jingle. "A Heavenly Treat, in a Cup, in a Bowl, Ramen for ALL."_

_"Noodles, Noodles, Chicken or Beef broth, a Heavenly Treat in a Cup, in a Bowl, in the Microwave its all good. Flavors of all kinds, sweet and spicy too, even flavors of the sea, shrimp and even Miso!"_

_"Noodles, Noodles," sang the jingle. "A Heavenly Treat, in a Cup, in a Bowl, Ramen for ALL."_

_"Come to Ichiraku Ramen Stand, Fresh Ramen takes the cake. Ichiraku's world famous and undefeated champion in Ninja swiftness and delicacy."_ And on and on went the ramen commercials.

Kakashi sat in his chair wracked and sweating bullets waiting for that one phone call that one little chance, the only chance he would ever be given ever again to win over Iruka Umino.

* * *

Meanwhil at that particular place those commercials sang of there was a gathering of young Chunin and Genin and Jounin. Sasuke looked over at the gathering then looked to his beloved Naruto and commented.

"I didn't actually think Kakashi-sensei would really do it."

Naruto pouted. "Me either, especially with Guy-sensei as the Radio Host. Crap! I was really hoping he'd chicken out." he scowled.

"I guess, that Bakashi Hentai Scumbag really loves Papa-Ru." Said the quiet little Hoshi. "What are we going to do now, Naruto-ni-chan?" she asked, looking ready to cry. She really didn't want Kakashi to come back into Iruka's life. She was the center of Iruka's world being the youngest and his little baby girl. She quite liked having Iruka all to herself and only sharing him on occasion with Naruto and some of the others students Iruka would treat to Ramen on occasion.

"I don't know, but we can't go back on our word. I always say what I mean and do as I say, its my Nindo, my ninja word of honor. We'll just have to wait to see what Iruka answers, if he'll even call up the station. Its all in Iruka-sensei's hands now."

Iruka to say the least was bug eyed and stunned. There was no way that could be Kakashi on the radio. He felt his heart flutter and felt pain as it pounded its abnormal arrhythmia. Nurses were hurdling into the room Shizune with hypodermic needle at the ready to press into Iruka's skin, medication that would calm and sooth his overworked and weakened heart muscle. He couldn't just let the medicine work on him, he had to call up Kakashi. He had to tell Kakashi.

But too late the medicine kicked in and Iruka fell asleep.

* * *

TBC

Just Kidding!

Did you really think I'd Keep you waiting? On a Cliff Hanger? I'm not that cruel, well not intentionally anyway. LOL ^_^

* * *

Kakashi spent the whole day on the radio confessing and confessing his love, all day he talked and talked until he was hoarse. The listeners waited and waited alongside of him wanting to know what Iruka Umino's answer would be. It was a long time in coming for Iruka was medicated twice and it was long into the evening before Iruka at long last called up the station.

Kakashi waited on baited breath as a hesitant voice spoke in its musical tenor, that familiar shy voice, that beautiful voice he had loved so much. He could almost see the wide dark eyes and the pale scar of his emotional lover, he could almost see the tears in his little dolphin's eyes as he finally answered Kakashi's heart felt pleas.

"Kakashi… I still love you…"

* * *

**TBC (this time for real)**

* * *

**Chapter 14 in the Works**

**Hints, hints, Kakashi still has a lot of making up to do and torture to go through. Mwahahahaha!**


End file.
